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Kiddies, today Mother discusses our homebound pandemic lives in order to amuse ourselves.
The stuck-home cranky husband: Hoping his marriage improves is like leaving the light on for Jimmy Hoffa. Things seem shaky when he doesn’t even talk to his wife during TV commercials. (Note: And this husband does not look like Idris Elba.)
The overburdened wife: “Now that we’re back on speaking terms, shut up!” … And: “Forget Adam and Eve. Adam would never have taken a wife if God hadn’t put him to sleep first.” (Note: Possibly not a line out of the mouth of Angelina Jolie.)
A lady living alone: Widening, her pants now need rubber waistbands … She has to let out the couch. As her walk down the street became a one-way, neighbors humphed those saddlebags could’ve been made by Prada.
Mindful of wee ones
The kindergarten kids under your feet all day long: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water — then the thing spilled all over your carpet … Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock — which the kid ran after then fell in the kitchen … Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey — and then whoopsed everywhere.
(Note: Of course such things do not happen to child stars who grow up to look like Miley Cyrus.)
The mother to the teenage marijuana-laden son wearing one sneaker: “Lose a shoe?”
Answer: “No, I found one.”
Then: “Your new apartment will have one bathtub.”
Reply: “We really need that many?”
And: “What happened to the living room bouquet?”
Answer: “I smoked it.”
The seniors. One grandma’s personally tinted her hair so often she now has plaid dandruff.
Doctor to patient he hadn’t seen in a while: “Happy to say you will probably live to be 90.”
Patient: “But, doc, I am 90!”
Doctor: “See, what did I tell you?”
Patient seeing dentist he’d been unable to visit all year: “Hey, that wasn’t the tooth I wanted pulled!”
Dentist: “Calm yourself, I’m getting to it.”
Lawyer needing a client: “The couple I represented finally got their divorce — but I got the house.”
Telling your visitor the drinker: “We have Scotch, rye, bourbon and brandy.”
Reply: “Yes, please, that’ll be fine.”
Cousin taking the car to get food: “Bad driver. If she were an Arab, she’d have a dented camel.”
Out-of-work actor: “When the light’s on in the fridge he takes a bow.”
Politician from Moscow: “Vote communist. The life you save might be your own.”
Secretary who married the boss: “Can’t type — but she certainly passed the physical.”
Gymnast enthusiast: “Jogs 15 minutes for exercise then takes the elevator to the second floor.”
Uncle who dropped in and never left: “Atlantic City has slot machines in the men’s room. If you don’t win you don’t go.”
Unhappy neighbor: “My husband just left me.” Oh, he’ll be back. “Not this time. He took his golf clubs.”
Manhattan. Once the safest town in America. No more. One robber here just held up a bank and running to the get-away car he was mugged!
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.
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