How to Get the Perfect Cardigan Body
Maybe you’ve never felt brave enough to wear a cardigan. Maybe you’re intimidated by the idea of everyone’s eyes on you as you walk, cardigan-clad, into a coffee shop. Maybe you’re allergic to wool. Well, this is the year you drop the excuses and finally feel confident in a cardigan!
There are so many cuts and styles of cardigan to choose from: cable knit, waffle knit, cashmere, huge buttons, high waist, musky grandparent, dust with sleeves, trench coat in disguise, itchy prison, and mustard yellow. It’s just a matter of settling on the one that works for you and your family.
Once you find that perfect cardigan—if you can’t find it, try looking where you last had it!—it’s time to get your body into perfect cardigan shape. Take a few deep breaths. I know you got this.
Cardigan bodies are made in the kitchen.
Diet is a crucial element when it comes to getting your ideal cardigan body. If you can pumpkin spice, you must. (Maple, cinnamon, and crumpled brown leaf are also acceptable substitutes.) Don’t forget: That autumn glow comes from the inside out! So don’t be afraid to go to town on a can of pumpkin puree. Deep-throat some gourds. Google “what vegetables are in season” while you order pizza. Is this the year you finally bite into one of those tiny decorative pumpkins to see if it’s got a good crunch? Could be!
Warming up is very important for getting your body cardigan-ready. Start slow by stretching out your legs as you wrap yourself in a blanket—don’t wanna get a charley horse! Then, you’re going to want to wiggle your fingers a little as you put on mittens. If you’re more advanced, try rubbing your hands together over an open flame like an old-timey orphan. Round it off by putting your face against the oven as you watch your pumpkin muffins overflow on the tin. You’ll know you’re ready to go once you’ve got a low-grade fever and the muffins are burnt.
Get in the cardigan mindset.
Some of us need a little encouragement to bust out the cardigans from last fall. That’s nothing to be embarrassed about! Psych yourself up with positive fall affirmations like “Brrr! Kinda chilly, huh?” and “Oh, wow, it’s so dark already.” Don’t forget to put together a Cardigan Pump Up mix. We’re talking songs like “Sweater Weather,” by The Neighbourhood; “The Sweater Song,” by Weezer; “Cardigan,” by Taylor Swift (the Foliage Hag remix); and the sound of a hangnail catching on your sweater sleeve.
Want an insider secret to hydration? Get a big thermos! Keep your autumnal drinks in one of those gallon-size thermoses with little notes next to the measurement marks like “Chug that cider!” and “Hot Cocoa Queen!” and “Sorry, now you’re down to the weird grainy dregs at the bottom.” Fall starts the first day you burn the shit out of your tongue on hot cider.
Take your cardigan body out on the town.
The great thing about cardigans is that they really go with anything. Dress it down with some relaxed jeans. Dress it up with an A-line skirt. Dress it sideways by putting your head through an arm hole. And of course, you’ve gotta layer! Most pumpkin patches require a minimum of three (3) cardigans put over one another. If you’re looking to accessorize, old sticks are a great statement piece. They say, “Yes, I fell on the way here, but I turned it into fashion.” Drape resistance bands around your neck like an athleisure scarf. Wear a big hat and no shoes. To each their own cardigan!
There is no one right way to have a cardigan body. Some cardigans reach the floors, others are cropped. Some have big buttons, some have small buttons, and some have zippers because they’re actually hoodies just trying to fit in. The most important thing is that you feel confident and comfortable. And remember: Every body is a cardigan body.
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