My wife lets me have sex with other men as otherwise I'd be depressed

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife knows I am more attracted sexually to men than women and accepts it.

She has even said it’s OK for me to have sex with men.

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It might sound unlikely but we are happy together.

I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else but I do have these urges which make me feel very anxious if left unfulfilled.

I am 37 and my wife is 35.

We have been married for five years and are deeply in love, are best friends and enjoy a passionate sex life.

I came clean with her months before we tied the knot and told her I’d had more sexual encounters with men than women.

Amazingly, she took it well. I’d feared she would immediately end our relationship.

She took some time to understand. She was upset because she felt maybe she wasn’t enough for me, which isn’t true.

But I need to tend to this other part of my sexuality.

I come from a conservative background and have always kept my secret under wraps. None of my close friends or family know the truth.

I became depressed a couple of years ago and it was actually my wife who suggested I satisfy my needs with men after I admitted I felt I had unfulfilled needs.

So now she lets me meet other men for sex because she knows how badly I need it.

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I am so lucky to have her support and I like to think I would do the same for her if the roles were reversed.

We are trying for children and are excited about our future together but I worry my sexuality will cause us issues further down the road.

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DEIDRE SAYS: All relationships are complex but occasionally gay men get together with straight women.

Sometimes that can be for the sake of convention, as many gay men feel family pressures or have a fear of coming out.

Many would say you have the best of both worlds but suppressing your true identity is stressful.

I believe you love your wife but she deserves a faithful husband. She is already feeling inadequate.

And you run the risk of becoming frustrated because this is not a marriage you are meant to be in. You are trying to be somebody you are not, which is a miserable place to be.


After trying for years, why is my husband suddenly upset I’m pregnant?

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Bringing children into the mix will complicate things further, so it would help if you talk to someone who fully understands your situation. Then you can work out what you really want.

Contact (0300 330 0630). My support pack Gay Questions will help you too.

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