RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Welcome to Monopoly – The Covid Edition

RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: You are a publican who serves cold scotch eggs that do not comprise a ‘substantial meal’. Pay a fine of £10,000 and go directly bankrupt… Welcome to Monopoly – The Covid Edition

Boris Johnson is promising Tory MPs all kinds of concessions to head off a revolt over the latest Covid restrictions.

The lockdown will be kept under constant review. Low-risk areas may be shifted from Tier Three to Tier Two.

The rules could be relaxed mid-December and abandoned altogether by the end of January.

Believe that when it happens. Ministers are already warning that things won’t get back to normal until late summer — which on current form sounds wildly optimistic.

For the past few months, this column has been working on a special Covid edition of Monopoly for the Christmas market, to reflect the New Normal (pictured) 

The truth is that Boris isn’t in charge. He’s surrendered to ‘the science’.

The so-called experts are having a field day. Far from scrapping or simplifying the rules, they’re determined to make them ever more complicated.

Just look at the baffling array of prohibitions which apply to the various tiers. These are simply your starter for ten.

This time next year, Rodney, there’ll be a millyon tiers!

They are hell-bent on making Christmas as miserable and awkward as possible, even ordering us not to hug our grannies if we want them to survive into the New Year. 

In Oxford Circus you emerge from the Tube station to find your exit blocked by a large pink yacht screwed to the road (pictured) 

The micro-managing and scaremongering knows no bounds.

We’re not safe in our own homes. We are told to eat our turkey dinner with all the windows open, so if the coronavirus doesn’t get you the pneumonia will.

Family members from different households are advised to bring their own plates, knives and forks. Oh, and forget about playing traditional board games.

That’s a pity. For the past few months, this column has been working on a special Covid edition of Monopoly for the Christmas market, to reflect the New Normal. 

The aim is to see how quickly you can get through £394 billion.

So let’s roll the dice . . .

In White Hall you plan to pay your respects at the Cenotaph, but find your path blocked by Metropolitan Police officers running away from Black Lives Matter demonstrators (pictured) 

OXFORD CIRCUS

You emerge from the Tube station to find your exit blocked by a large pink yacht screwed to the road. 

All the shops have been boarded up and the streets are deserted. Go back home and buy your presents on Amazon.

WHITEHALL

You plan to pay your respects at the Cenotaph, but find your path blocked by Metropolitan Police officers running away from Black Lives Matter demonstrators. 

Take the knee or get your head kicked in.

MARYLEBONE ROAD

Having been advised to avoid public transport, you drive into town only to get stuck for several hours in a traffic jam caused by the new deserted cycle lanes. 

Pay £27.50 in congestion and low emission charges.

In Soho (pictured) you decide to take advantage of Chancellor Dishi Rishi’s Money For Nothing And Your Chips For Free offer

LONDON BRIDGE

Your attempt to cross the River Thames to visit an elderly relative is thwarted by Extinction Rebellion protesters glued to the road. 

You sustain minor injuries after being hit by a skateboarding policeman. Go back three squares.

HAMMERSMITH

You divert to Hammersmith Bridge. Unfortunately it is closed until further notice. Pay £150 for a taxi to crawl back into town at 2mph along Kensington High Street, which has been reduced to one lane in each direction. Go back to March 16, you wish.

HYDE PARK

You are arrested for attempting to play tennis with your wife. 

She is then arrested for sunbathing and feeding the ducks. Go directly to jail.

SOHO

You decide to take advantage of Chancellor Dishi Rishi’s Money For Nothing And Your Chips For Free offer. 

Before you can order, the waiter informs you that the restaurant is closing in five minutes at 10pm and you will have to leave before the Covid Marshals on horseback storm the building.

OASIS GARDENS

You liberate your 97-year-old mum from lockdown in her care home and take her for a nice cup of tea at the local garden centre. 

You are arrested, handcuffed and thrown in the back of a police car. Time to play your Get Out Of Jail Free Card.

WOOD GREEN

The Government advises everyone to get fit to fight off Covid. You open your gym, but it is raided by 32 police officers with nothing better to do. 

You must pay fines totalling £77,000 for breach of lockdown.

The Government advises everyone to get fit to fight off Covid. You open your gym, but it is raided by 32 police officers with nothing better to do (pictured: Gym in Wood Green) 

CROYDON

You have just arrived from France in a dinghy. Go directly to the DSS and collect a free council house and benefits from the Community Chest. 

Do not return to your country of origin.

WESTMINSTER

You are the Prime Minister’s most trusted adviser and one of the architects of the lockdown. 

You decide to drive to Barnard Castle in County Durham to test your eyesight. 

You also manage to fall out with the PM’s consort, Princess Nut Nut. Collect your P45 on the way out.

In Westminster you are the Prime Minister’s most trusted adviser and one of the architects of the lockdown (pictured: Dominic Cummings) 

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