Asking For A Friend: Am I too jealous in my relationship?

A little bit of jealousy in a relationship is perfectly normal.

When it’s not toxic, it can feel good to know a partner is worried about losing you to that new guy at work, or the hot waitress who just asked for your number. 

But it gets a bit weirder when, for instance, you’re not allowed to look too closely at Zac Efron’s abs while watching a movie. Or your partner begins scrutinising your Instagram followers and throwing a fit if you don’t unfollow that girl you met in university four years ago.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that just because jealousy is normal in relationships (and it is) that we can’t call it out when it becomes too extreme. 

Is it normal to experience jealousy in a relationship?

Let’s get things straight: you’re not instantly a bad person just because you feel a twinge of jealousy when thinking about the prospect of your partner with another person. 

As clinical psychologist Gemma Harris says: ‘Jealousy occurs when something we value feels threatened.’

And it can stem both from within ourselves and from the past behaviours of our partner. 

‘We associate problems with jealousy as stemming from internal insecurities, such as low self-esteem and fears of rejection,’ Gemma tells Metro.co.uk. 

‘But jealousy can also occur in relationships where a partner has shown themselves to be untrustworthy or has acted in ways that seem to threaten the stability and undermine the value of the relationship.’

Even though jealousy is most common at the beginning of a relationship, before trust has been fully established and emotions are heightened, that doesn’t mean you won’t get jealous five, ten or even 30 years on. 

‘Because the dynamics of relationships are always evolving, and the context of our life changes, spikes of jealousy can happen at any time in a relationship,’ says Gemma. 

‘For example, life transitions can trigger anxiety and insecurity that might make us more susceptible to jealousy.’

When does jealousy stop being normal?

Again, little pangs of jealousy are fine, and could serve as a reminder that you really don’t want to lose your partner.

But, Gemma says: ‘If someone is frequently feeling insecure and threatened in their relationship, then there’s a risk that this is not only contributing to jealousy but to hypervigilance and confirmatory bias.’

Essentially, this means that someone feeling extreme jealousy is likely on heightened alert for feeling not good enough, or others gaining their partner’s attention, and might be interpreting information in a confirmatory way. 

‘This perpetuates jealousy,’ says Gemma.

If your jealousy becomes all-consuming, and every conversation – or glance – your partner shares with another person makes your blood boil, you need to take a step back.

And it goes without saying that if jealousy is used as an excuse for controlling behaviour – like telling what you can and can’t wear, who you can and can’t talk to and where you can and can’t go – that’s an immediate red flag. 

If you find yourself telling a partner they can’t go somewhere without you, you need to take some time to reflect on your feelings, especially if you want your relationship to last.

‘Excessive and frequent jealousy can be damaging to a relationship in many ways,’ says Gemma.

‘Aside from bringing negative emotional energy to yourself and the relationship, the focus on jealousy can be a big drain, taking away from fun or constructive times as a couple. 

‘Jealousy is often associated with anger and the need to control our partners, and these compensatory behaviours can undermine a healthy relationship. 

‘Similarly, when jealousy leads to a lack of trust, the testing, questioning and hypervigilance that comes with that can make a partner feel unfairly treated, leading to anger and resentment.’ 

So what can you do? 

How to take control of your jealousy

If you’re at a place where you know your jealousy is a tad excessive and you want to change it, that can only be a good thing. Self-awareness is always the first step. 

Controlling your jealousy is all about, firstly, understanding your emotions and, then, communicating effectively. 

‘When we feel jealous we often flip straight into a threatened state and act to mitigate that threat and feel better,’ says Gemma.

‘That might be subtle, like seeking reassurance or more extreme, like using anger and punishment to control our partner.’

Instead of resorting to these coping mechanisms, take a second or two to name the emotion for what it is, and understand why it’s there.

‘This might be a time to take stock of where you are at with yourself and in your relationship,’ says Gemma.

‘Are you down on yourself and/or is the relationship feeling fragile? 

‘If so, focus on rebuilding your worth and relationship connection before you resort to anger, attack and control.’

It also might be a good idea to take a breather before confronting your partner and instead journal your jealous thoughts. 

‘Consider journaling your jealous thoughts then reframing them with alternative explanations and more empathy thoughts towards your partner,’ says Gemma.

‘This may be less helpful if your partner is giving you good reason to feel jealous, but assuming they aren’t doing anything too undermining of the relationship, being compassionate can help offset more paranoid thoughts.’ 

Finally, when it comes to communicating, try simply explaining how you’re feeling to your partner. 

‘Sometimes, just saying “for some reason I’m feeling a bit insecure and jealous right now”, can be better than acting out your feelings,’ says Gemma. 

‘Appealing to your partner to appreciate your perspective is more effective than punishing them.’

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