‘Cobwebbing’ is the new Halloween-inspired dating trend – but it’s not as sinister as you think

Written by Amy Beecham

Spooky season doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck in the web of a past relationship. 

Ghosting, negging, half-masting, breadcrumbing… the modern dating landscape can be a scary thing to navigate amid the minefields of red flags and toxic behaviours. But winter-coating and cuffing aren’t the only seasonal relationship cycles to take note of.

In keeping with the Halloween spirit, dating app Bumble has identified a new and slightly less spooky dating trend: cobwebbing.

Not following? Allow us to explain. The term refers to clearing off the cobwebs and dumping old names and flames so you can make the first move towards something new.

“Holding on to past relationships, whether that be phone numbers, messages or even an old T-shirt, can hold you back when it comes to dating as you’re not mentally focused on the present,” says Dr Caroline West, Bumble’s sex and relationship expert.

“By actively ‘cobwebbing’ your environment of the past, you can then move forward feeling more empowered, confident and open to meeting someone new.”

It’s certainly a valid observation, but moving on rarely comes easily. No matter the length or intensity of a relationship, it can be hard to take the first steps to truly getting over someone. We’ve all been through that breakup stage where everything reminds you of them, from songs on the radio to the scent they wear. However, the longer we stay stuck in the headspace of a partnership that’s run its course – the spiderweb, if you like – the harder it will be to eventually break free.

It’s exactly in times like these that a good old emotional clear-out is needed.

“Not all relationships are for life, and while we’re conditioned into thinking that when we meet ‘The One’ we’ll disappear off into the sunset happily ever after, I don’t believe that’s a healthy view to have,” says relationship coach Deb Morgan.

According to Morgan, when you’ve decided a relationship is definitely over it’s best to handle it quickly. “Like a plaster, it will hurt while ripping it off, but the pain will be far less than if you try to inch it off slowly,” she explains.

So you’ve arrived at the decision to let go of the past and make space for future happiness. Now what?

“If you want to say farewell to an old flame, it’s time to stop thinking emotionally and kick your rational thinking into gear,” says Rachel MacLynn, founder of matchmaking website MacLynn.

“You can do this by taking a few simple, pragmatic steps, which in turn will create headspace and motivation to pursue someone new who has caught your attention.”

How to clear the cobwebs of a past relationship

Allow yourself to grieve

As Morgan shares, it’s important to acknowledge that no matter how long the relationship lasted or how it ended, it’s OK to grieve. “You devoted an awful lot of time and energy to the ex, it’s OK to grieve. Even if ending it was your decision, it is important to grieve the ending of it,” she says.

“Once upon a time this was the ‘perfect’ relationship for you, until it wasn’t. Grieving the past, and what might have been in the future, is a healthy way to gain closure on the relationship and move on. You don’t want the ‘what if’s’ and ‘maybes’ to get in the way of you moving into your new life.”

Equally, though, it’s OK to talk about things you once did with your ex – places you visited, plans you made – as long as they’re not used as a barometer or comparison that your new flame feels they are being measured against.

Visualise the future

“Allow your mind to progress from being stuck in the past to thinking about what comes next,” MacLynn advises. Consider what you’re looking for in a new partner, both the personality traits and values but also the kind of relationship you want. What are your goals?

“This process should leave you feeling empowered,” she says.

Stick to your decision

As tempting as it might be to think about what could have been with past partners, it’s important not to let that get in the way and tempt you back into the web.

“If we have an open mindset, and remember that these changes are our choice, and that we grow through change and experience, the could-haves soon fade away,” Morgan states.

“We always have options and choices, and we will always spend some time hankering after the perceived familiarity of what might have been, but when our choices are made for the right reasons, and executed in the right way, those ‘could haves’ and ‘might have beens’ become fleeting murmurs.”

Images: Getty

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