CRAIG BROWN writes about how the fun has been beaten out of the Beano

2023-07-25

The Beano has seen its poor old teachers forcibly re-educated while the children have been renamed to avoid offence: CRAIG BROWN writes about how the fun has been beaten out of the beloved comic strip

The Beano, last survivor of the golden age of comics, is preparing to celebrate its 85th birthday.

How time flies! The Beano’s most celebrated character, Dennis the Menace, is now a stately 72 years old. It can’t be long before he starts wreaking havoc with his zimmer frame.

After 67 years, the Bash Street Kids must be the only pensioners still attending secondary school.

It’s their teacher, Mr Algernon John Cringeworthy, and their headmaster, Mr Headward Headington-Hail, I feel sorry for.

For nearly seven decades they have been stuck in the classroom with exactly the same pupils, but the disruptions — Crash! Aaargh! Swipe! Thud! — have been so frequent that they have barely been able to teach them a word.

The Beano, last survivor of the golden age of comics, is preparing to celebrate its 85th birthday. How time flies!

Dennis the Menace, is now a stately 72 years old. It can’t be long before he starts wreaking havoc with his zimmer frame

READ MORE HERE: Menaces! Censors who rewrote Roald Dahl now take on the Beano with hijab-wearing artist and wheelchair-using scientist among gaggle of girls joining the Bash Street Kids (after Fatty and Spotty were also given ‘less pejorative’ names)

Over the past two or three years, the editor of The Beano has been ensuring The Bash Street Kids are less of a burden on today’s more easily-offended society. Back in May, 2021, Fatty was renamed Freddy; seven months later Spotty be-came Scotty.

Oddly enough, one of my favourite characters, Plug, best known for his jug-ears and Ken Dodd-style sticking-out teeth, hasn’t been given a face-lift, and his name is still Plug, rather than something more helpful to his self-esteem, like Beau.

Needless to say, these veteran Bash Street Kid regulars have been joined by Mandira, ‘a nervous girl whose anxieties are used to highlight mental health problems’.

Meanwhile, the poor old teacher and headmaster, once passionate users of the slipper and/or cane — Swipe! Thwack! Sting! — have been forcibly re-educated. They have emerged much more sensitive to their pupils’ feelings. ‘Changing societal attitudes mean they are portrayed as sympathetic and nurturing’ ran a recent report.

The Beano editorial staff now takes professional advice from Inclusive Minds, the consultancy that recently masterminded the removal of anything liable to give offence from Roald Dahl’s children’s stories.

Remarkably, The Beano does reprint some of its old comic strips, but only after ridding them of anything unseemly. In many ways, it’s the equivalent of the Royal Family on the balcony at Buckingham Palace, with Harry and Meghan and Andrew and Fergie left out.

Looking through my old Beano annuals from the 1990s, it’s hard to imagine anything slipping through the net. One Bash Street Kids story begins with Teacher in his mortar-board hanging head-first from a rope attached to the classroom ceiling. ‘Set me free and I’ll cancel the maths test,’ he pleads.

‘Yah! No chance, Teacher!’ retorts Danny, in his usual skull-and-crossbones jersey. Danny then kicks a football, which hits Teacher on his head — Thud! Boomf!

Enter a portly gent in a bowler hat, who informs Teacher that his Great Uncle Angus has passed away, leaving him his castle in the Highlands. The Bash Street Kids immediately suck up to Teacher. Fatty offers him a curry, while Smiffy brushes his clothes — Dust! Dust!

Teacher presents the Head with his notice — ‘I QUIT signed Teacher’ — saying: ‘You can stick your job right up your nose, Headmaster. But if you ever fancy employment as a boot licker, come and see me.’

In Scotland, they stop off at a cafe, The Happy Haggis. The McMenu offers a choice: Haggis and Chips, Haggis and Beans, and Haggis and Haggis. A burly, kilted caber-thrower called Hamish appears to be doing a Highland Fling — Leap! Twirl! — but it turns out that the Bash Street Kids have put thistles on his chair (McSnort!).

Hamish chases them out, tossing a caber at Smiffy’s head — Zonk! They make their way through a clump of thistles — Whack! Prang! — before arriving at Teacher’s uncle’s castle. But it turns out to be only a bouncy castle.

The Bash Street Kids are thrilled — Bounce! Bounce! Wahey! Pyoing! Yahoo! — but, head in hands, Teacher returns to his usual state of terminal depression (Hmmph!).

Back at school, he crawls on his knees to the headmaster, begging for his job back. ‘A bit more grovelling and we’ll see,’ says the gloating headmaster.

Anyone who wishes to find offence — teachers, headteachers, fat people, ugly people, the Scots, haggis-makers, re-wilders, Bouncy Castle owners, good little children — will find plenty to complain about.

That’s why, I don’t imagine this story will ever be reprinted. Instead, something that sets a good example will take its place, and no one will laugh at all.