Does my husband feel threatened by my career?

Our relationships counsellor answers your problems: Does my husband feel threatened by my career?

• Read more: How can we cope with Christmas after his death? 

Q I have a senior, well-paid job but my husband has no interest in what I do. In fact, he doesn’t want to hear about it; so much so that if I raise an issue I want to talk over, he changes the subject. 

We used to be supportive of each other’s careers (we’re in similar fields) but that was before he was made redundant from his high-flying role last year. He had been at the company a long time and he took the loss badly. I have a lot of sympathy for him, and though he has since found a new job, it is not as high-powered. 

Having taken a career break to bring up our children, my own work always played second fiddle, but now I find that in my early 50s my career is blossoming. I love the intellectual challenge of the work and I’ve hit it off with my new boss – a woman of a similar age who has been very supportive. 

An anonymous woman has revealed that her husband has no interest in what she does. He was made redundant from his high-flying role last year and is reluctant to share his wife’s success

I have exciting projects to work on and greater responsibilities. I’d like to share this new phase of my life with my husband, especially as he understands the profession. But he makes me feel like my success is rubbing his nose in it and it’s creating a huge distance between us.

A It is difficult in relationships when a couple have filled particular roles for many years and the dynamics shift. I’m sure that, underneath, your husband wants to support you and show interest in this ‘new phase’ of your life, but he is struggling with how to go about it. 

More than likely, he is still grieving the loss of his former status and has not recovered from the blow to his self-esteem. Studies have shown that many men are not comfortable with their wives being the higher earner. These factors might contribute to him feeling insecure and even a belief that you are outgrowing him. Perhaps he feels you might lose interest if he is not ‘successful’. 

There may also be some resentment and envy ‒ and you might want to consider whether he needs help for depression. You and your husband really need to talk. Explain that he is still the same person he has always been and that work status shouldn’t be the sum total of worth. 

Tell him that he didn’t think any less of you when you weren’t on a career path and that you don’t think less of him now. Men often feel defined by what they do, so it’s important to remind him of the other things he is that you love him for ‒ a cherished husband, wonderful dad, kind, fun, good-natured. 

Your achievements should be a source of pride for you both, so involve him in your work by asking his advice and opinions to show how much you value his expertise. If you can’t get the conversation started, you should try couples counselling (relate.org.uk) which may help you improve communications. 

HIS VEGAN GIRLFRIEND IS CAUSING A STIR 

Q I’m upset with my son, who is in his late 20s, for putting me in a difficult position. He and his girlfriend were due to come for Christmas lunch but then she announced that she is vegan. 

I’m cooking for nine and my son doesn’t realise the stress of adding extra meals, ones that I have to keep separate during preparation. His girlfriend doesn’t want vegetables to come into contact with meat – and butter can’t be used in cooking. 

I told him that she should eat the bits she wants and leave the rest. My son took offence and said that if I can’t be bothered they will go to her parents instead. It sounds petty but it’s really bothered me. 

A I know you want me to agree with you but I’m afraid I can’t. If your son’s girlfriend is vegan, the kind thing to do is to respect her position and be welcoming. From the tone of your letter, it sounds as if you’ve been quite dismissive towards your son and his partner. 

This conveys a sense of being unaccepting and unreasonable. In fairness, you do appear stressed by all the organising and it is a lot to take on, so be kind to yourself, too. 

Cheat a little with shop-bought sauces and ask your son if his girlfriend has a favourite vegan ready meal that you can buy. One thing to be aware of, though, is veganism can sometimes mask an eating disorder (especially a sudden switch), so you might ask your son gently if this could be the case as early support can make a real difference. 

But please, try not to let the pressure of creating a Christmas meal for everyone spoil your relationship with your son.

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