FEMAIL reveals the most cringeworthy celebrity poems

2022-08-19

Edgar Allan NO! As Ryan Giggs’ toe-curling poems for his ex are released, FEMAIL reveals other stars’ cringeworthy verses – from Lewis Hamilton’s tribute to Princess Diana to AnnaLynne McCord’s Putin rhyme

Ryan Giggs sent a series of cringeworthy poems to his ex-girlfriend Kate Greville
X-rated lines included: ‘You are my soul, you make me as hard as a totem pole’
He also penned: You are the jam in my doughnut, the truffle in my pasta’
However the footballer is far from the first star to fancy themselves as a poet
Lewis Hamilton released a poem about Diana on 20th anniversary of her death
Meanwhile actress AnnaLynne McCord penned verses about President Putin

While ex-Manchester United star Ryan Giggs may be best known for his football career, it appears at one stage he fancied himself as a poet.

The the 48-year-old, who made 632 appearances in England’s top division, wrote a series of cringeworthy poems to his ex-girlfriend Kate Greville and shared messages in which he made grandiose proclamations of his love during the course of their rocky relationship.

Lines in one particular explicit poem, which was read during his domestic assault trial, included: ‘Most of all you believe in me which makes me as hard as a totem pole.’

Elsewhere, he compared ex-girlfriend Ms Greville to Fort Knox ‘because it’s full of gold’ and wrote: ‘You are the jam in my doughnut, the truffle in my pasta and the salt in my tequila’

But the football star is far from the first celebrity to put pen to paper to write a rhyme or two.

Formula One star Lewis Hamilton baffled fans in 2017 when he released a poem in tribute to Princess Diana on 20th anniversary of her death.

And earlier this year, 90210 actress AnnaLynne McCord made headlines when she penned a number of verses about President Putin.

Here FEMAIL reveals the toe-curling poems penned by celebrities…

Poet: Lewis Hamilton

Subject: Princess Diana

While ex-Manchester United star Ryan Giggs may be best known for his football career, it appears at one stage he fancied himself as a poet – and he’s not the only celebrity to try out writing verses (pictured, Lewis Hamilton)

For reasons unknown, in 2017, Lewis Hamilton inflicted a recent foray into poetry on social media users – with a toe-curling tribute to Princess Diana

For reasons unknown, in 2017, Lewis Hamilton inflicted a recent foray into poetry on social media users – with a toe-curling tribute to Princess Diana.

His chosen method of paying tribute to the royal on the 20th anniversary of her death was to upload his poem, England’s Rose, to Instagram next to a strangely stern-looking snap of his subject matter.

He found the time to share his innermost thoughts about the princess, who died when he was 12, while in Monza ahead of the Italian Grand Prix.

In the poem, he implies that her death in 1997 robbed the country of a future leader, despite her divorcing out of the Monarchy the previous year.

But luckily for Lewis, her greatness was such that her love still fills hearts to this day.

‘England’s beauty captured in one sweet soul, carried the torch – God rest her soul,’ he writes, before appearing to question the whereabouts of her remains.

‘Hearts still full Of the love she gave, 20 years since she laid in her grave,’ he writes.

The Mercedes-driving three-time Formula One champion also shared a slideshow of his favourite Diana photos, set to Van Morrison’s ‘Into the Mystic’.

Poet: AnnaLynne McCord

Subject: President Putin

Earlier this year, actress AnnaLynne McCord released a toe-curling video that told of her desire to have been Russian President Vladimir Putin’s mother and prevent war in Ukraine.

The 2:20 long video went viral and generated 26.4 million views within days.

The former 90210 star shared her musings about the Russian president on Twitter, and began her verse with an apology to 69-year-old Putin.

‘I’m so sorry I was not your mother,’ she said. ‘If I was your mother, you would have been so loved, held in the arms of joyous light.’

Earlier this year, actress AnnaLynne McCord released a toe-curling video that told of her desire to have been Russian President Vladimir Putin’s mother and prevent war in Ukraine

The former 90210 star shared her musings about the Russian president on Twitter, and began her verse with an apology to 69-year-old Putin

Throughout the video, McCord, 34, went on about how Putin’s life would have been different if he’d have been embraced by her love.

Although McCord blames the family matriarch throughout the poem, Putin’s mother, Maria Shelomova, has been characterized by others as a kind factory worker who secretly baptized him during the Communist era.

The details of Putin’s early life are scarce, but Putin described his mother in an interview posted on the Kremlin’s website as an excellent cook who lived a simple life.

‘We lived very simply cabbage soup, cutlets, pancakes,’ Putin said. ‘But on Sundays and holidays my Mom would bake very delicious stuffed buns with cabbage, meat and rise, and curd tarts.’

However, she hinted in the poem that she was speaking metaphorically and was really referring to Russia with her ‘mother’ references.

The actress proclaimed in her poem that she would have done a better job and spared the world from warfare if only she’d been born earlier.

‘If I was your mother, the world would have been warm,’ she said.

It all could have been avoided, McCord said.

‘If I was your mother, if the world was cold, I’d have died to make you warm,’ she said. ‘I’d have died to protect you from the unjust; the violence; the terror; the uncertainty. I would have died to give you life.’

She later defended the poem and appeared to show empathy for the Russian leader by suggesting that she could have been a dictator herself.

‘I know how I could easily have moved in the direction of becoming a dictator myself,’ McCord told BuzzFeed News.

‘If certain circumstances of my life were different, were I a little less bent toward healing and more toward vindication, I could have been a darkly powerful person,’ she said.

McCord said she was motivated to share the poem after she woke up ‘in anguish’ over ‘the children of the war’ and the young Ukrainians who are experiencing war for the first time.

She told the outlet how she feels for ‘children who grow into adults and become people who do historically horrifying things’ adding that she personally understands ‘early life trauma.’

Poet: Kristen Stewart

Subject: Believed to be about Robert Pattinson

In 2014, Twilight actress Kristen Stewart wrote a cryptic poem for Marie Claire, and described her work as ’embarrassing.’

Kristen is said to have written the poem in 2013, when she was still enjoying an ‘on/off’ relationship with Robert.

While she hasn’t name checked Robert in the poem, it’s hard not to imagine the actress may have been inspired by her relationship with her co-star.

Particularly as in the accompany interview Kristen once again spoke of her affair married director Rupert Sanders, 42.

In 2014, Twilight actress Kristen Stewart wrote a cryptic poem for Marie Claire, and described her work as ’embarrassing’

Kristen is said to have written the poem called My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball in 2013, when she was still enjoying an ‘on/off’ relationship with Robert

When pictures emerged in 2012 of the young starlet canoodling with her Snow White And The Huntsman director, 19 years her senior, it led to the demise of her relationship with Pattinson and the end of Sanders’ marriage to Liberty Ross, 35.

However, a defiant Kristen insisted she would not apologise for any mistakes she has made in the past and in the interview she encouraged her detractors to ‘judge away’.

She told the publication: ‘I stand by every mistake I’ve ever made, so judge away.’

The revelation of Kristen’s fling with the married father-of-two led to a fall from grace and grovelling public apologies for both.

While Kristen and Robert briefly reconciled, they couldn’t overcome the troubles in their relationship and split for good.

Poet: Pamela Anderson

Subject: WikiLeaks fugitive Julian Assange

In 2017, Pamela Anderson boasted about her ‘special relationship’ with exiled WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and advised the US, UK and France to have a ‘threesome’ in a bizarre poem.

In her bizarre verse, Anderson declared that Assange – who she visited at least nine times in six months – was just ‘trying to help’ and should not be ‘illegally detained’.

The former Playboy model also compared the US to a ‘freakish lover or stalker’ who spied on the UK and inexplicably concluded that she wanted to ‘bring sexy back’.

Pamela shared the poem – entitled ‘I Like How You Resist Me’ – on her blog, the Pamela Anderson Foundation.

She started by offering advice to Donald Trump and Theresa May on ‘special relationships’ – based on her ‘own special relationship with Julian Assange’.

In 2017, Pamela Anderson boasted about her ‘special relationship’ with exiled WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and advised the US, UK and France to have a ‘threesome’ in a bizarre poem

In her bizarre verse, Anderson declared that Assange – who she visited at least nine times in six months – was just ‘trying to help’ and should not be ‘illegally detained’

Pamela said that the tense political climate caused by the then upcoming UK election and rising security threats in the US made it the right time to ‘discuss politics romantically’.

‘It is a romantic struggle,’ she said.

‘Things that the USA and UK bring to the relationship are Bad secrecy laws. Keeping Julian illegally detained. Hating transparency and Bombing countries.’

The glamour model referred to the US as a ‘dysfunctional lover’ who ‘spied on’ the UK by reading emails and listening to calls.

Pamela also advised creating a ‘bilateral extradition treaty’ so that the UK and US seemed less like a lord and a vassal’ – or a ‘dominant and submissive partner’.

The mother-of-two also voiced her opinions on political tensions in the Middle East.

‘Agree with other countries to stop arming and destabilising the Middle East. War is a racket.

‘Subordinating safety and human rights to the profit motives of arms exporters is not strong, or sexy,’ she penned.

Anderson added that ‘openness and honesty’ were crucial to any relationship.

‘Other relationship issues to work on jointly: Openness and honesty are a must in any relationship. So, need to get rid of approaching everything with secrecy and cover up.

‘Stop abusing espionage and secrecy laws. Can’t stop? Then get rid of them – and replace them with laws that can’t be abused.

‘Stop shouting and punishing people who offer them help (as if a couple would turn against a relationship counsellor?) – Julian is trying to help,’ she wrote.

The model concluded by writing: ‘I can’t help but think romantically. That is where my compass lays. In love and compassion.

To apply common sense relationship advice might be the key. We must not forget how to make love… But, war.

‘No more war! And no walls! (around countries or embassies). I will stay relentlessly engaged. Like it or not.’

Poet: Daniel Radcliffe

Subject: Prostitutes, Pop Idol and junkie rock star Pete Doherty

In 2009, it emerged then 19-year-old Daniel Radcliffe was a budding poet whose work had appeared in an underground fashion publication.

His quartet of poems, published under a pen name and written when he was 17, are about infidelity, Pop Idol and junkie rock star Pete Doherty.

The most controversial of the four, Away Days, detailed the narrator’s affairs with prostitutes.

A second poem was in homage to Doherty while another took aim at Simon Cowell and the queues of ‘deluded’ fans who line up to compete in TV talent contests.

The final effort was about a man’s attempts to seduce women.

In 2009, it emerged then 19-year-old Daniel Radcliffe was a budding poet whose work had appeared in an underground fashion publication

They appeared under the pseudonym Jacob Gershon, a combination of Radcliffe’s middle name and the Jewish version of his mother’s maiden name, Gresham.

They were published in November 2007 in Rubbish magazine – a satirical annual publication with a circulation of 3,000 which describes itself as ‘a playful platform for fashionable people’.

Introducing Radcliffe’s work, it said it was ‘proudly debuting the work of Jacob Gershon, 17, a very exciting and dynamic young poet’.

The actor let slip the existence of his verse in an interview. He said: ‘I didn’t want to publish it under my name. It’s the kind of thing I look back on and just think, ‘Ahhh!’ ‘

It is perhaps not surprising that Radcliffe has an interest in writing. He was awarded an A grade in English literature when studying at the City of London school.

‘As an actor, there is room for a certain amount of creativity, but you’re always ultimately going to be saying somebody else’s words,’ he said in the interview with the Guardian.

‘I don’t think I’d have the stamina, skill or ability to write a novel, but I’d love to write short stories and poetry, because those are my two passions. There is an art to a short story.

‘I love Raymond Carver, and Chekhov – without making myself sound more highbrow than I am! When I don’t write in form and metre, I become unbearably self-indulgent. It’s what Robert Frost said: free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.’

A spokesman for Rubbish magazine said: ‘Poetry is a key aspect to Rubbish, so it was fantastic to be able to provide the platform for ‘Jacob’ and his debut work.’

Poet: Charlie Sheen

Subject: Angst and drug abuse

His public meltdown and subsequent firing from the hit show Two And A Half Men was the biggest showbiz scandals of the last decade.

But back in the 1990s, actor Charlie Sheen, then-25, was discussing his angst and drug use in a book of poetry called ‘A Peace of My Mind.’

One of the poems appeared to refer to the constant recognition he would receive, including lines: ”Excuse me, aren’t you…?’ ‘Hey, you look just like…’ ‘Oh my God, that’s…’

The poem ended: ‘All eyes held in stare, all mouths locked open in shock, as he pulled the latex Charlie Sheen mask from his head, revealing the rotted skull of President Lincoln.’

One Amazon reviewer using the name ‘John Stamos’ wrote: ‘Charlie is a personal friend of mine, and i have been reading his poetry for years. This collection is the best of the best as far as Chas’s art is concerned… Sheen steals part of ourselves and gives us a chunk of humanity and sheenathan.’

Another of his poems, entitled A Peace of My Mind, features the verse:

Teacher, teacher, I don’t understand You tell me it’s like the back of my hand Should I play guitar and join the band? Or head to the beach and walk in the sand?

Back in the 1990s, actor Charlie Sheen, then-25, was discussing his angst and drug use in a book of poetry called ‘A Peace of My Mind’

Poet: James Franco

Subject: President Obama, Heath Ledger

In 2013, James Franco baffled the internet when he unveiled his poem Obama In Asheville, which he had written to mark the president’s inauguration.

In it, he referenced Obama ‘knowing him from Spiderman’ and also wrote about Katie Holmes and Claire Danes meeting the politician.

And it wasn’t the only poem he has penned over the years.

In 2014, James hinted that there may have been some friendly rivalry between him and the late Heath Ledger.

In a bizarre poem in his debut collection entitled, Directing Herbert White, more than one poem alludes to the Australian actor.

But there is one in particular, called ‘Ledger’ which is clearly an ode to the Perth born Brokeback Mountain star who died in 2008 aged 28.

‘There had been a time. When we were up for the same roles, 10 Things I Hate about You (Based on The Taming of the Shrew), And The Patriot – Funny, you were Australian and so was Mel – You were the knight in A Knight’s Tale…’

The collection of works by the Spider-man star, 36, also includes one poem in the voice of Linsday Lohan.

In 2013, James Franco baffled the internet when he unveiled his poem Obama In Asheville, which he had written to mark the president’s inauguration

Poet: Ryan Giggs

Subject: His ex-girlfriend Kate Greville

In a series of toe-curling online love notes, read out in court this week, Ryan Gigg’s poems to his ex-girlfriend Kate Greville were revealed.

In one particularly explicit poem, read out in court as part of the former footballer’s domestic assault trial, with Giggs’s 66-year-old mother Lynn present, the former Wales midfielder wrote to the PR executive: ‘My darling Kate, Unequivocally our love was fate.

‘I fell in love with you at first sight. I remember cos I was as high as a kite. Those beautiful eyes made me shiver. I’m not going to lie I think of you I dream of you. Can’t help thinking pulling you was my greatest ever coup.

‘That stomach, those abs, those pictures you send so I can keep tabs. You make me feel funny down there. Especially when you’re there and you look up and stare.

‘I am beginning to think you are always right. That’s ok it will keep us tight. I’m gonna end by saying you are my love, my friend, my soul. And most of all you believe in me which makes me as hard as a totem pole.’

In a series of toe-curling online love notes, read out in court this week, Ryan Gigg’s poems to his ex-girlfriend Kate Greville were revealed

Ex-Manchester United star Ryan Giggs (pictured right arriving at Manchester Crown Court on Friday morning) wrote a series of cringeworthy poems to his ex-girlfriend Kate Greville (pictured left) and shared messages in which he made grandiose proclamations of his love during the course of their rocky relationship.

It was sent in response to a poem from Ms Greville in which she wrote: ‘You make my heart flutter because you are a nutter. Every day you do me proud not just because you are well endowed.’

Elsewhere, he compared Kate to Fort Knox ‘because it’s full of gold’.

The court also heard how the former Wales star signed off one text to Ms Greville referring to himself as ‘Giggsy’ – a nickname commonly used throughout his football career – and told her ‘reiterate is a big word for this time of day’ during an early morning texting session.

In another cringeworthy exchange, read out to jurors, Giggs also told Ms Greville he had made ‘scrambled eggs a la chef Giggsy’ for breakfast, and messaged her saying: ‘I think you’re fandabidozi’.

Giggs also wrote an acrostic poem using the first letters of Ms Greville’s surname, including ‘Gorgeous’ for ‘G’, ‘Vivacious’ for ‘V’ and ‘Everything I’ve Ever Wanted’ for ‘E’.

And Ms Greville also wrote her own explicit poetry, including one message which read: ‘I’m counting down the daze

‘I’m thinking of all the ways. I’m going to make that gorgeous c*** of yours raise.’

Many of the messages contained a number of kisses at the end, which lawyers in the case had initially read out by saying ‘kiss, kiss’ at the end of each text.

‘I’m thinking of all the ways I’m going to make that gorgeous c*** of yours raise’: The toe-curling exchanges between Ryan Giggs and ex-girlfriend Kate Greville

Kate Greville to Ryan Giggs

‘I’m counting down the daze

‘I’m thinking of all the ways

‘I’m going to make that gorgeous c*** of yours raise.’

Ryan Giggs to Kate Greville

‘You are the jam in my doughnut.

‘The truffle in my pasta.

‘The salt in my tequila.

Ryan Giggs to Kate Greville

My darling Kate, Unequivocally our love was fate.

‘That stomach, those abs, those pictures you send so I can keep tabs. You make me feel funny down there. Especially when you’re there and you look up and stare.

Ryan Giggs’s acrostic poem to Kate Greville

G is for gorgeous

R is for radiant

E is for extraordinary

V is for vivacious

I is for idolised, by me

L is for legs

E is for everything I’ve ever wanted

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