Gender bias sneaks up in surprising ways. Here’s how parents can avoid it

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These days, most parents understand the importance of equality between our sons and daughters, but with new research showing we’re more likely to give our sons a property leg-up than our daughters, it begs the question: are there other unconscious differences in the way we raise boys and girls?

As an adolescent counsellor, Erin Mitchell is only too aware of the challenges facing young people in today’s culture.

Erin Mitchell at home with children Levi (left) and Nina (right).Credit: Sam Mooy

So, when dealing with her son Levi, 15, and daughter Nina, 14, she’s at pains to keep a level playing field. They have similar curfew boundaries, do a range of household chores and each have a weekly one-on-one hang-out with each parent.

“I think it’s hard to avoid gender biasing altogether … when you’ve got forces of a whole society and culture against you,” says the founder of Teen Seen, who teaches parents how to navigate adolescence.

But even as she overtly tries to disrupt gender bias at home, Mitchell still has to check herself, such as when she realised she’d automatically encouraged her son towards sport and her daughter towards music.

“We were like, ‘Oh she takes after [my passion for music]’, and fostered that and unwittingly perhaps not encouraged [sport] as much … but it turns out she’s actually quite sporty too,” Mitchell admits.

“I feel there was an inherent bias there that ‘boys are good at sport and I should nurture that’. So, we’re trying to correct that now.”

Other research shows that girls tend to be paid more pocket money than boys, which could be symbolic of them taking on more domestic duties earlier.

“Stereotypes about gender – about what girls and boys should be like, be good at and about what careers they should follow – can work to limit aspirations and reinforce gender biases,” says gender researcher Associate Professor Lauren Rosewarne.

How to reduce accidental gender bias in your family

• Do a stocktake of household labour. “Do you need to do some sort of inventory of domestic duties and the division of labour?” Mitchell asks. “Should mum be mowing the lawn and dad bake the cake? Are there roles you’ve slipped into without giving it any conscious attention? Children learn a lot by watching.”
• Hold space for feelings. “Whether it’s nature or nurture,  girls tend to be good at sharing but boys don’t do it as much [and feelings] stay in,” Mitchell says. “Be aware of the way you encourage emotional expression with your boys and make sure there’s no difference. And instead of ‘Don’t get so angry’, be curious about what’s behind their anger – is it that they are afraid of something?”
• Talk about gender messaging. “Monitor and screen gendered marketing,” Mitchell suggests. “If you [see it], call it out and have [that discussion] part of your family values.”
• Keep the hugs going. “We tend to give our daughters a lot of physical affection, but at around 12 years of age, we tap the brakes on giving our sons a cuddle and lying next to them,” Mitchell says. “I’m really passionate about encouraging and teaching empathy and softness [in] our boys and discarding these masks of masculinity.”

Mitchell is not surprised that there is a “gender gap” in the proportion of men and women getting parental help to buy property.

“I think it speaks to that outdated view that males have that role of providing and protecting – I think well-intentioned parents feel that they should support or perpetuate that role and responsibility of men,” she says.

For sexologist Bridget Scholes, it was her eldest child, Venus, now 17, identifying as non-binary that led to a lot of unpacking of the language she uses with her four children, including sons, Jude, 15, Felix, 14, and daughter Frankie, 13.

“I used language like, ‘You’re a good girl’ and ‘you’re a good boy’, but [I’ve learnt] to be aware of your language – what makes them a good girl or a good boy?” she says.

“My responsibility isn’t to raise a female or a male child, it’s to raise a happy individual.”

Mitchell believes the most monumental challenge facing parents of boys and girls is to encourage the same level of emotional vulnerability in each.

“There’s a lot of ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘don’t worry mate’ but sometimes it’s a really good idea to cry or to worry about something,” she says.

“If you were to ask me, where do we need to shift the needle and counterbalance the forces of society? I would say it’s around healthy emotional expression of vulnerability in young men.”

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