How to bring up safe sex conversations with a partner

Having safer sex is something we all know we should do, but not all of us practice it as well as we should.

Some people may feel that bringing up the conversation of safe sex is a ‘mood killer’ while others may make an assumption that their partner is already on contraception.

Both of these outcomes aren’t ideal, so figuring out ways to bring up safe sex with a partner – new or long-term – is key for your relationship and health.

It goes without saying that even when you’re being responsible, taking precautions and communicating clearly, there’s always a degree of risk that something unplanned or undesired might happen due to sex.

Being upfront about this helps you plan to minimise that risk, and deal with things pragmatically with less blame, shame or fear if something does go awry.

So we spoke to Durex’s sexpert Alix Fox about how to bring up or start a conversation around practicing safer sex together – without it being uncomfortable.

If you’re mature enough to have sex, you’re mature enough to talk about it

Alix says: ‘Discussing safer sex can admittedly feel daunting.

‘However, it’s essential to look after both the health of you and your partner or playmates; if you’re grown up enough to have sex, you’re grown up enough to tackle talking about it.

‘Great communication is at the heart of great sex, so having “the safety talk” can be the perfect way to get that ball rolling and establish a precedent of constructive conversation around intimacy… before any other type of “balls” enter the equation.’

But how and where can you broach the topic?

Alix adds: ‘I would recommend choosing a time when neither of you has to rush off, and a quiet, private location where you both feel comfy – maybe on the sofa with a cuppa.

‘Trying to avoid the bedroom can make things feel less vulnerable and pressurised, or on the flipside, help you resist the temptation to skim over important subjects too hurriedly because you’re horny.

‘The loud ol’ “horn section” can have a habit of drowning out even the most instrumental of topics.’

Try the aptly named C.O.C.C. Approach

Alix has developed something called ‘The C.O.C.C. Approach’ to this type of sex discussion.

She explains: ‘I keep Compassion, Curiosity, Optimism and Caution at the front of my mind.

‘This means that I try to think kindly about what might be concerning my partner; I reflect on how things may feel from their point of view and consider what might be triggering for them or where they may need support or bolstering.

‘I try to keep an open mind and ask questions before making judgments.

‘I remind myself that everything I’m learning has the potential to make sex better for us, so really, it’s a positive conversation to have even if bits of it are tough in the moment (and it might be playful and exciting, too).

‘And if I’m not 100% sure about something, I’ll suggest we find out more about it rather than making assumptions or taking guesses and chances.’

You should know their STI status

Alix says, with any partner, you should know their STI status.

She adds: ‘When they were last tested, and whether they’re living with any long-term conditions like herpes or HIV.

‘If either of you have had sexual partners since your most recent test, or there’s any chance it was too early for a contracted STI to show up (chlamydia and gonorrhoea can usually take a fortnight before they show on tests, for example, while syphilis can take up to four weeks), you might want to consider testing together.’

Don’t perpetuate stigma

It’s important to be mindful of the language you use, to ensure that your sexual partner doesn’t feel judged or degraded – otherwise this will stop them from being open with you.

Alix sayas: ‘It’s better to describe having a negative test as “being clear” rather than “being clean”.

‘Having an STI doesn’t indicate that someone’s dirty, and terms like “clean” perpetuate stigma.

‘If you’re someone living with a long-term condition yourself, it might be useful to have some reliable online resources to hand, like the Herpes Viruses Association or Terrence Higgins Trust , that can help you explain your situation and how you need to avoid intercourse during a herpes outbreak.

‘Or, for example, talking about “U=U” (if you don’t know what this means, pop on over to the Terrence Higgins website for more information).

‘I would recommend pinging your partner some links so they can educate themselves in depth in their own time, too.’

You can still have pleasure and protection

If you’re considering the kind of sex where a pregnancy is a possibility, you’ll need to talk about birth control.

Alix continues: ‘Don’t forget that condoms (including internal condoms, AKA femidoms) are currently the only form of contraception that gives protection against both STIs and pregnancy, so asking what style of condoms you both prefer using is a great question that again considers pleasure as well as protection.

‘No matter your respective present STI statuses, I’d recommend using condoms with any new partner, especially while you’re still figuring out where things between you might be going.

‘Establishing whether your intended dynamic is monogamous or open, and whether you each see your connection as a burgeoning relationship or a less committed, more casual affair are also vital matters to discuss during your safety chat.

‘For me, having “safer sex” nowadays extends to my emotional wellbeing as well as my physical security.

‘While feelings can sometimes change, if you’re on a radically different page to your prospective partner about what a sexual encounter would mean to you, and what you’re hoping to get out of it, it might be best to avoid heartache and get out before getting it on.’

It’s not a one and done conversation

Alix stresses that talking about safer sex isn’t a ‘one and done’ conversation, and you may well need to revisit the topic even if you’ve been with someone for decades.

She says: ‘It might become necessary to change the contraception you’re using – for example, a particular hormonal method may stop being suitable because of side-effects, interactions with other medications a partner has begun taking – or contraindications such as the development of migraines or certain types of cancer.

‘Herpes is one STI that may lay dormant in the body for months if not years, then pop up unexpectedly.

‘In general, using the C.O.C.C. Approach, and making it a regular, normal thing to discuss how you’re feeling about sex is an important part of making sex feel better all round, as you and your needs and desires evolve both as a couple and as individuals.’

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