How we'll miss his jolly jibes: HENRY DEEDES on Boris Johnson at PMQs

Captain Crasheroony Snoozefest! How we’ll miss his jolly jibes: HENRY DEEDES watches Boris Johnson at PMQs… for probably the final time

No sooner had Speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle called time than that unmistakable tuft of blonde went whizzing past him like a cockatoo on a zip wire.

Boris Johnson had just completed PMQs. And, by the sounds of it, quite possibly for the very last time.

There was no fuss, no fanfare, no valedictory raise of the arms to colleagues. Just a mad dart for the double doors behind the Speaker’s chair, leaving behind him the faintest of vapour trails.

It’s true that Boris is due to partake in one more joust next week before summer recess. But he repeatedly hinted yesterday that something else was quite likely to pop up in the meantime. 

One last visit to Ukraine, perhaps. Or possibly a convenient bout of appendicitis.

A volley of guilt-tinged cheers accompanied Boris Johnson to his seat. On the benches behind him, the salty tang of disloyalty hung in the air

Could you blame him? War-torn Kyiv or raging gut ache (real or imagined) would surely be preferable to another week in this rancid place, among his party of ruthless stabbers-in-the-back. 

Particularly if it means enduring more of Sir Keir Starmer’s sanctimonious sermons.

Mr Johnson arrived in the chamber bang on midday. For once, he was alone. A volley of guilt-tinged cheers accompanied him to his seat. 

On the benches behind him, the salty tang of disloyalty hung in the air.

Suddenly, a noisy din erupted from one corner of the chamber. A couple of grunts from former SNP leader Alex Salmond’s breakaway Alba party, Kenny MacAskill (E Lothian) and Neale Hanvey (Kirkcaldy), were protesting noisily about something.

Mr Hanvey in particular was furious, his forehead jabbing the air back and forth. He could have been giving instructions on how to deliver the perfect Glasgow kiss.

With the PM out of the way, Starmer concentrated his fire on trying to embarrass the Tory leadership candidates

What their beef was wasn’t entirely clear. Scottish independence? Usually is. Either that or the price of a pint of McEwan’s in the Strangers’ bar has skyrocketed. 

The Speaker was apoplectic. ‘Shurr-up!’ he screamed. ‘Gerrr-out!’ By now, Sir Lindsay’s tonsils were practically doing the can-can.

Meanwhile, Boris just sat there tittering, unperturbed by the commotion. Possibly as he had Nadhim Zahawi on his shoulder. Burly Mr Zahawi is not someone many would take a swing at.

What to say about PMQs? Well, Sir Keir Starmer was boring. Not my words. Most of the Conservative backbenchers shouted it every time he spoke. 

Boris decided he was no longer ‘Captain Hindsight’ but ‘Captain Crasheroony Snoozefest’. A promotion! And a richly deserved one too.

With the PM out of the way, Starmer concentrated his fire on trying to embarrass the Tory leadership candidates.

He made a big hoo-ha about overseas tax avoidance schemes, a none-too-subtle reference to Rishi Sunak and his wife’s complicated tax affairs.

He referred to the millions of pounds of ‘giveaways’ candidates were promising through tax cuts. Giveaways? It’s our money, pal. 

The PM wasn’t getting involved in the comings and goings of his potential replacements. 

As far as he was probably concerned, whoever it turned out to be, they would ‘wipe the floor’ with Starmer.

Would any of the current candidates ‘wipe the floor’ with anyone? Not Penny Mordaunt on yesterday’s showing. 

A journalist at her launch event accused of her of being ‘Theresa May with big hair’. A trifle indelicate. But possibly true.

Once Starmer was out of questions, Boris began his departure speech. He thanked his opponent for the style in which he had conducted himself during their weekly meetings.

‘It would be fair to say that he has been considerably less lethal than many other members of this House,’ he joked.

Was that the faintest, tiniest smirk spreading across Labour deputy leader Angela Rayner’s face? Heaven forbid!

The PM admitted he wasn’t leaving his post at his own choosing. But he remained proud of his leadership. 

He would soon be exiting Number 10 ‘with my head held high’. From behind him there came a steady gurgle of ‘yer, yers’.

When a leader is making their final bow, it is customary for opposition parties to afford them a dignified exit. 

Yet Labour’s front bench reacted with typical ungraciousness. David Lammy began playing an imaginary fiddle. Classy.

As for Tory MPs, they didn’t rise to see him off. Something they may regret should this turn out to have been his final curtain call.

Then again, there may be rather a lot about Mr Johnson’s departure they will regret.

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