I don't feel 'mum guilt' – and neither should you

Glancing over my shoulder in a coffee shop, I saw a couple of women, both bouncing perfectly content babies on their laps.

That’s when one of them dropped the term ‘mum guilt’ – something I’d never heard before – as the other nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

I wondered what she was referring to. From what I could see, she was doing a great job of mothering.

Just in case you don’t know, I later learned that it’s a feeling of failure or inadequacy as a mother and is something that is regularly talked about in parenting circles, as well as by ‘momfluencers’ on social media.

Whether it’s feeding methods or sleep training tactics, mums can feel guilty about pretty much any aspect of parenting.

But the thing is, ever since my daughter was born in early 2021, I haven’t really experienced it. I think I’m maybe the only one on the planet not to have done.

I honestly don’t have an explanation for what’s made me different. I’ve just never succumbed to the self-doubting torment – and I think other mothers should be kinder to themselves too.

We’re all doing the best for our kids, so what is there to worry about?

In my case, I didn’t feel guilty about giving my daughter Moira a bottle in the evenings when my breast milk just wasn’t enough; I was just happy she wasn’t hungry anymore.

And I didn’t feel guilty about letting her ‘cry it out’ for an hour at five months old so that she could learn to self-soothe – we all got a better night’s sleep as a result!

The only thing that’s even remotely made me feel insecure is when my daughter went to nursery so I could go back to work.

My daughter arrived bang slap in the middle of the third lockdown. The pandemic had taken its toll on my workload and finances so when I was unexpectedly offered a job in the summer of that year, the decision to take it was a no-brainer.

Beyond the financial reasons, I’m not ashamed to say that the prospect of being stimulated by something other than weaning or baby sensory classes excited me.

My daughter was only five months old at the time and the thought of sending her to childcare at that young age introduced the first feelings of maternal guilt. Would being apart for the majority of our day affect our bond? ‘They’re only young once’, as the saying goes. Was I going to miss out on pivotal development milestones?

But those fears were immediately put to bed when I found amazing childminders. A warm and knowledgeable mum and daughter duo, they assured me that they had even looked after three-month-old twins in the past. They told me I was doing the right thing and that my daughter would be just fine.

Those pangs of guilt re-awoke on her first day and I can’t deny I shed a tear as I walked away. After all, I had spent every waking (and sleeping) moment with her by my side since she was born. Being apart for the best part of a day would feel strange.

However, even that was only temporary, as mid-morning, I received a cheery photo of her playing under a baby gym. ‘She’s doing great,’ the caption read underneath.

I breathed a sigh of relief, even if I did spend the rest of the day thinking and talking about her. But those thoughts weren’t centered around the regret of leaving her with ‘strangers’, I just missed her, which is perfectly natural.

When I picked her up that afternoon, she greeted me with a beaming smile and, as I was given a rundown of her day, it was obvious that she’d had a great time. Surrounded by other children and with a mountain of toys and a lovely garden (a luxury in London!) at her disposal, it was hardly surprising that she had enjoyed herself.

By refusing to submit to the inevitability of mum guilt and recognising that she’s happy, I can focus fully on my work, and also start to reclaim a part of my old self, which had been shelved since being a parent. I felt liberated then – and I still do now.

I’d even go as far to say that my daughter going into childcare so early has benefitted us both. Making work-related decisions on a day-to-day basis has given me the confidence to also trust the decisions I make about parenting.

My daughter was an early walker and is now a very chatty two-year-old, and I’m sure that being around other children from an early age and feeling comfortable and supported in her childcare setting has helped.

Thankfully, I didn’t encounter much judgement about going back to work early. Other mums in my social circles were very supportive of my decision and I’ve only been met by one or two raised eyebrows when I explained my situation to new people.

Safe in the knowledge that my daughter copes perfectly fine without me by her side every second of the day, my confidence has grown and I’ve started taking more time out for myself.

I go out for dinner with friends or to an exercise class at the gym and I don’t feel guilty about it, I always come home feeling grateful, energised and with a renewed excitement to see and spend time with my daughter.

Of course, none of this would be possible without my hands-on partner who is more than willing to hold the fort while I’m not at home. I should point out that I do the same for him – I definitely don’t want him to feel dad guilt!

Having a child is a life-changing event and no one should be made to feel bad for how they handle it, whether that means working full-time from early on or choosing not to work at all.

Mums (and all parents, for that matter) should be allowed to keep doing things they enjoy without feeling ashamed that they don’t always have their child in tow.

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