I spent everything on my ex-husband's medical bills – now I'm HOMELESS

2023-04-30

DEAR JANE: I spent every penny I had paying my ex-husband’s medical bills because I still loved him – now he’s gone and I’m HOMELESS at 55… Best-selling author Jane Green gives some ‘brutal love’ to a woman with nowhere left to turn

In this week’s agony aunt column, Jane offers advice to a woman who feels like she has nobody to lean on for support
She also shares some guidance for a confused wife who has started fantasizing about her doctor – despite being happily married for 38 years
Do you have a question for Jane? Email [email protected] or ask it below

Dear Jane,

I am 55 years old and have lost everything I had. I spent over four years and every penny I had trying to keep my ex husband alive. We were divorced, but I still loved him. When he nearly died from congestive heart failure, he had no family to help; but I was able to and I did.

The last year of his life he was in the hospital five times. As you know, healthcare expenses in the U.S. has been the ruin of many people, families – and now me. I lost my house because I couldn’t afford his care and the mortgage.

A year later I was laid off after 13 years with the company. The severance package covered me for six months, but I was not able to find a job in that time.

Then in February 2022, my best friend and I were in a hit and run that nearly killed me. I had eight broken ribs, a collapsed lung, I had a broken wrist that required a steel rod to repair, and four broken lower vertebrae with compressed nerves.

Dear Jane, I am 55 years old and have lost everything because I spent over four years and every penny I had trying to keep my ex husband alive

I was in the hospital for 12 days and they tried to find a rehab facility that would take me without insurance, but nobody would. So I’ve been staying with my sister, brother-in-law, and my nephew (who is 37 and has schizophrenia). But I had to surrender my dogs because I could barely walk for three months after the accident and my brother-in-law did not want them in his house. They were all the love and comfort I had left in the world.

My brother-in-law is hateful to me and my nephew. And I won’t tell my sister what is going on because he is good to her.

Because of my injuries, I can barely stand long enough to cook a meal or do a load of laundry. So I applied for disability, and was turned down.

All of this has caused heartache and hardship.

My son has been sending me money so I don’t have to be a total burden on my sister and brother-in-law, but I feel just as much a burden to him. He never calls me, never replies to my texts. When he does it sounds like I’m annoying him.

International best-selling author offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her weekly Dear Jane agony aunt column

One way or another I have got to get out of here soon and I don’t know where I’m going to go. I’m in a house with three relatives and feel incredibly lonely, and I feel like I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Everybody says God has given me a second chance, and every day I wonder a second chance at what? This is not how I pictured my life to be right now.

I don’t have anyone to talk to and I hope you might know of something that might help.

Sick of Life

Dear Sick of Life,

Oof, this is a hard letter to read, and what a terrible time you have had. I am so sorry for your pain, and the circumstances you find yourself in.

There is a part of me that applauds you for your selflessness, looking after your ex-husband as you did, but there is another part that wonders why you went to such lengths for someone you were no longer married to,

Sick of Life, as devastating as your situation is, I can’t help but wonder if you are suffering from martyr complex, a recognized psychological pattern where you put others’ needs before your own.

As admirable as the behavior of a martyr may seem, always putting others first often then leads to victim complex, where it feels that bad things always happen to you, that you have no control, and are subsequently unable to take personal responsibility for your life.

Being a victim means you get attention, and probably sympathy from all those around you. But it also means you don’t have to be accountable for your life. Your self-worth comes from the pity and attention of those around you.

I see that you have the best intentions for those around you. You have proven yourself capable of being deeply devoted to helping someone — now, what if that someone was yourself? If you were tasked with helping someone in your situation, what would you tell her to do? What loving care would you offer her? What advice? Now see if you can’t do that for yourself.

Sick of life, I am giving you some brutal love right now: nobody can fix this except for you. You need to start using the many resources available to you and putting yourself first, for you are the only person responsible for your happiness, and your life.

I don’t know where you live, so I don’t know the specifics, but I do know that many cities have medical clinics that provide care to the homeless, as well as job training and placement programs, helping you to find employment. Additionally, there are organizations that offer counseling and mental health services to the homeless.

Please reach out to local nonprofits and organizations that provide assistance to people in need of housing, and in need of mental health counseling. Organizations like Women in Need, Healthcare for the Homeless, etc. You will find them all online.

I encourage you to find counseling and help, and start taking the action to look after yourself properly. I wish you well.

Dear Jane,

Dear Jane’s Sunday Service

Fixing other people, jumping in to help, being the first to show up if someone is going through a hard time can make us feel valued and loved.

Often, it’s less about the people needing help than how good we feel when we are fixing, the reflection we see in other people’s eyes, adoring us for stepping in to help.

But the first person we must look after, always, is ourselves. Once we are looking after us, we are able to set healthy boundaries, and know the difference between appropriate help, or a psychological need.

I have been happily married for 38 years – and I dated my husband for 11 years before our wedding.

I recently had four abdominal surgeries. I’m doing well but find myself fantasizing about my surgeon.

He is funny, smart and attractive. Something about him just makes me feel so connected in my mind and body.

He is married and so am I. I don’t know why I have these feelings about him but feel as though there is some kind of sexual tension between me and him.

Paging Dr. McDreamy

Dear Paging Dr. McDreamy,

First of all, you’re married, not dead.

It’s completely normal to find yourself attracted to another man, particularly a man who is funny, smart, attractive, and whose only role in your life is to take care of you and make you feel better.

My God! You’d have to be dead not to fantasize about him. Frankly, after your description, I’m starting to fantasize about him too.

But, this is a fantasy, and as kind as he may be, as good as you feel around him, know that this is because it is not real, and because of the very specific role he has in your life.

The good thing about fantasies is that they are almost always a disaster should they come to life, and the good thing, hopefully, about your particular situation, is that your surgeries will come to an end, as will, I suspect, the fantasies.

Enjoy the fantasies, but do not, whatever you do, act upon them. The last thing you want to do is overstep a boundary and ruin a wonderful medical relationship.

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