I’m 42 and want kids but quit dating apps after seeing friend’s husbands on them

2022-10-13

Minreet Kaur has always dreamed of having her own fairytale romance, like Kate Middleton and Prince William. As a child she liked to pretend her toys were her children and as she grew up, she envisioned saying 'I do' with her very own Mr Right. But she knows only too well that it's tricky navigating the modern dating world to find love.

The broadcast journalist, who lives with her parents in Hillingdon, West London, shares her story of here and how – after a lifetime as a single woman – she still hopes to one day find her husband-to-be.

“As a little girl I’d spend hours pushing a pram around the house, telling my ‘baby’ we were off to visit Granny. Or I’d line up my teddies and pretend I had a big gaggle of children. ‘I want a whole football team of kids when I’m older,’ I’d proudly announce to my mum, Pritpal.

Coming from a Punjabi family, I assumed that there would be a huge, vibrant Indian wedding, full of joy and colour– with me gazing adoringly at my very own Mr Right.

But now at 42, I have to sadly wonder whether this will ever happen for me.

My mum and dad, Rajinder, were quite strict, so I didn’t have boyfriends at school. I wanted to wait until I met someone special. When I went to university at Brunel, I was shy around men and threw myself into my degree studying multimedia, design and technology.

By the time I hit 20 my brother – who’s five years older – went to America and got married. In the next few years all my friends began pairing off too.

I started feeling ‘left on the shelf’ – in the Indian community people often settle down to marriage and kids quite early. I’d made friends with boys but there was no one I felt attracted to.

I knuckled down with my marketing career and assumed romance would come. But by my late 20s it still hadn’t happened for me. Mum dragged me off to a pandit – like a clairvoyant – but apparently Prince Charming wasn’t on the horizon and I felt dejected.

Aged 29, a friend encouraged me to download a dating app. As a Punjabi woman, the main apps for the Asian community were Shaadi and AsianD8.

She set up a profile for me but my heart wasn’t in it. The chats seemed awkward and stilted, and I’d over-analyse silly things like their noses or haircuts.

I added some nice smiley pictures, ignoring suggestions that I should reveal more of my cleavage or legs to get more ‘likes’. I’d started teaching swimming classes as a side hustle, so I take care of my figure and don’t feel ashamed of how I look. But I knew I wouldn’t be interested in a man who was only swiping right on me because of my body.

During my 30s I tried eight different dating apps. Not just Indian ones, but the mainstream ones like Bumble, Hinge and Elite Singles too. I bought several nice dresses and went on many dates – but overall I hated the experience.

It can feel like a full-time job trying to filter the wrong men out. Every time my phone pinged with a new message my heart would sink. Typically, the guys were more forward than I felt comfortable with. One very good looking man, who was half Indian and half Italian, kept bombarding me with pictures. Thankfully not naked ones – I’ve never been on the receiving end of ‘dick pics’ – but photos of him posing in swimwear. He had an amazing body, but I wondered how many other women he was sharing the same photos with. And possibly copying and pasting the texts, too.

He started demanding more pictures of me. And calling me ‘sexy’ and ‘gorgeous’. It felt inappropriate. He then said ‘Let’s go out for the night and if it gets late you can sleep at mine’. I’m just not that kind of woman – I long for a serious relationship that leads to marriage.

I’ve also seen many men on the apps who I know – through the community – are married. I’ve seen them out with their wives!

I’ve only ever dated Asian men. They often make you feel smaller than them and some look down on you if you’re still single in your 40’s. It’s easier to talk to men outside of your community as they don’t judge you.

I feel prudish and out of sync with everyone else because I don’t believe in casual sex. I want to save myself for marriage. I want a soul mate, I want to be loyal, I want a lasting relationship that isn’t all about sex. I long for children. I wouldn’t ever go down the sperm donor route but if I was financially able to I would consider adopting one day.

Being single can be lonely. I just want an intelligent, funny, smart man with good morals who’ll add value to my life. Someone to holiday with, someone to hug, someone who will support me.

I watch shows like Love Island and find it so depressing seeing women competing for attention. But it does make me think, ‘where is the Asian show like this to help me meet someone!’

I also love watching Married At First Sight and I’d love to go on the show and meet someone who I might otherwise never have had the chance to meet. I even applied to go on the Netflix show Indian Matchmaker.

But I’ve finally decided to quit all the soulless dating apps. It’s not because I’m giving up on love. Instead I’m trying to meet a man organically through activities like running, volunteering and cooking classes.

I panic that it will never happen for me now. Please wish me luck – and if you know of any good men, send them my way!”

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