“I’m not your BFF”: why it’s OK to have different tiers of friendship

Written by Leah Sinclair

From acquaintances to best friends, there are various tiers to friendship, and sometimes, one friend may be more invested than the other. Stylist speaks to life coach Juliette Mullen about navigating this complex space and unpacking the four stages of friendship that often go unacknowledged.

When it comes to relationships, it’s usually the romantic ones – and the various tiers within them – that are prioritised.

From the talking stage to casually dating and being ‘exclusive’, the different levels of our romantic relationships are often at the forefront of any ‘ship’ people seem to care about – but is that the one that shapes us the most?

After all, our familial relationships are the ones that most of us are first introduced to, and our friendships are the first relationships we actively choose in our lives.

In the words of bell hooks: “Satisfying friendships in which we share mutual love provides a guide for behaviour in other relationships, including romantic ones.”

This is further amplified when we think about how friendship is portrayed in society and popular culture, and how there are often only two types of friendship that are celebrated: the BFFs and the frenemies.

The awkward in-between stages, where you’re friendly but not fully friends or the growing pains of forging a longstanding friendship are rarely reflected in popular culture. Instead, we have been force-fed the ‘ride-or-die’ BFFs or frenemies tropes that have played out in almost every film and TV show.

But identifying the layers to friendship that expand beyond someone being the Monica to your Rachel or the Serena to your Blair can be difficult. It’s often an area that’s less explored than that of our romantic partners and families, despite being arguably the most impactful – and it’s made even harder when one friend is further along or more invested in the friendship than you are.

“Friendships are our first relationship, and just like our romantic relationships, there are different stages to it all,” says life coach Juliette Mullen.

“The four stages are typically an acquaintance, a peer friend, a close friend and best friend.”

Mullen describes an acquaintance as someone you share some common interests with, whether that’s sharing a mutual friend or having similar tastes. “You may interact or network with them, but don’t really consider them to be your ‘friend’.”

“It takes seeing someone just a few times to consider them an acquaintance, but that person may or may not move past this stage in your association with them,” she says.

Peer friends are the ‘talking stage’ level of friendship. It’s someone with whom you have common interests, shared activities and a similar mentality.

“Over time, you may spend time together and even learn a little about each other’s goals, wishes or opinions,” adds Mullen.

“It takes some time to develop a peer friend because it implies that you have encountered that person on numerous occasions and have some type of involvement with them.”

As you discover who does and does not share your values and goals, it’s natural for fewer people to progress past the peer stage. This is what makes the peer friend stage so reminiscent to the talking stage – things tend to come to a halt once you realise the compatibility or connection is lacking.

“A close friend is someone you would consider part of your ‘inner circle’ and with whom you share some similar life goals, values or history,” says Mullen. 

“These are people who know the most about your life and you have likely been through a few ups and downs through the challenges of life together. Close friends are generally those you see and talk to the most often.

“A best friend, however, is someone you have built up a strong level of trust and intimacy with and could share almost everything with,” Mullen adds.

“The development of a best friend relationship takes time and experience together; it cannot happen overnight. It implies a commitment to support one another and requires honesty, loyalty and discretion from both parties. Normally, we have very few best friends as this requires the highest level of trust.”

These four stages of friendship, while clear, are rarely ever acknowledged among friends. How many of us declare when a friendship has moved from peer to close or when a best friend has been demoted to an acquaintance?

“We don’t necessarily think about these stages because they just show up naturally over time,” says Mullen. “However, as life progresses into adulthood, we may make new friends or old ones may change and how we feel in those friendships can be different from how the person on the other side of the friendship feels.”

Whether it’s an acquaintance divulging super personal information or a peer friend who is inserting themselves into your life as if they’re a BFF, navigating a space where your friendship is viewed differently is difficult to process.

“Friendships can at times feel unbalanced when one person isn’t as invested in the friendship, and naturally, some people have a harder time opening up about their personal lives, emotional distress or other difficulties.”

Mullen says that when friendships shift in such a way that one is more invested than the other, it creates a problematic dynamic and “can encourage negative patterns and behaviour that undermines our long-term happiness”.

She adds that while some may feel a need to address the friendship imbalance in their lives it is “perfectly OK” to invest a little less energy into others when you feel overwhelmed, drained or not ready to progress a friendship.

“However, it’s crucial to be open and honest and take time when building a friendship,” she advises. “Communication is important, as it allows you to effectively share feelings, opinions and expectations.”

If you’re interested in progressing a friendship to another level or keeping it at the tier that it’s at, the baseline for it all is to communicate those feelings, especially when you feel the dynamic is shifting and there’s room for potential hurt for one or both parties.

But the truth is, we need different friendships in our lives to thrive. No one person can meet all of our needs and sometimes you have to meet people where they are – even if where they’re at is in a different place to you.

Image: Getty

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