I’m single and I hate it – I feel repulsed by empowering single girl messages

2023-01-04

Stacy Thomson, 43, lives in St Albans with her 16-month-old son Milo.

She’s not in a relationship and conceived via solo IVF. But while some women find that being single and raising a child on their own is empowering, Stacy, who’s a Dating App guru, doesn’t agree. Here’s her story…

"This might sound harsh but, here we go… I’m sick and tired of reading all the ‘single and happy’ quotes on social media. I feel totally disconnected when I see supposedly ‘empowering' messages from those celebrating single life. I’m almost repulsed by them.

I’m single. And I don't want to be single forever – I’m unapologetic about that. I refuse to conform to the idea that 'everyone who is single doesn't mind'. I do mind.

Okay, so maybe I'm being dramatic, but the fact is this: if you dare to admit that being single isn’t your dream – or your goal – and that you'd actually like the opposite, you’re labelled as unhappy, lonely, or lacking some form of love for yourself.

And this is relevant to all genders – men have even less permission than women to voice their desire to be in a relationship.

So, let's break this down. Firstly, I am happy. Or rather, I’m content. I'd even go as far as to say that my own independence and satisfaction with life is the reason that, at times, I lack the motivation to find a partner. It can be hard to find the mental and emotional space amongst all the work noise – or even come up for air to think – never mind focus on finding someone to ride the inevitable storms with.

Having spent the majority of my adult years as a single person, I also feel that, each year, it gets harder to find someone who makes all of the 'effort' (perceived or not) worthwhile. My life is pretty good, after all.

I felt the same way when I decided to have solo IVF. If it wasn't for the fact that my eggs were literally dying, I wasn't in desperate need to have a baby. I wasn’t crying into my pillow, or getting overly concerned about being alone, raising a child solo.

But I actually found my single status the most troubling when I was going through the IVF process. You’re sold a 'love story' of family and while hormones inevitably played a part, I felt I'd failed at finding someone to love me and stay.

That love story did not include me having a baby on my own or injecting myself; it didn’t include me being put to sleep to have my eggs collected, nor having embryos transferred into me via a tube. It also did not involve me going to scans alone, or having my little boy via C-Section. To me, I was overwhelmed with grief for a life I thought I would have… not only had I 'failed' at having a baby the way I always thought I would, but here I was having a C-Section, too.

I sobbed as they took my eggs from me, and sobbed again when they gave me my epidural, consumed by self-pity, and sadness.

Rationally of course, life is good – I am fine, and Milo (who is now 16 months) and I are doing perfectly well.

I've found a job that I love, I have some great friends and a supportive network. However, I'd be lying if I said I was never lonely.

Certain things p**s me off about being single – I'm tired of paying more than anyone else for the privilege, especially when typically I earn 50% less household income than those who are part of a couple. I'm talking gyms, council tax, hotels, train tickets and meal delivery services – they’re just a few examples. Despite having to pay the ridiculous cost of renting (all by myself…) it’s impossible to save for a deposit, never mind afford a mortgage. Not much you can get 'round here on a sole salary, even if it's a decent one.

I, like many, have settled too comfortably into my 'singleton' status. So, as we approach Dating Sunday, on 8th January, I'm going to shake it up for 2023. The day is the 'Dating Olympics' for those seriously searching for love. With an estimated 65% increase in new singles joining dating app platforms and an expected 20% increase in matches, so the pressure is on.

I feel increasingly more motivated to find the right person. But I won't be falling into just any old relationship – they’re hard to get out of once you’re in them, after all. I’ll choose wisely when it comes to who I’ll be spending my life with – it is, after all, perhaps the greatest decision I will ever make."

Stacy Thomson is the Founder of REDDI, a private members-only 'relationship app' dedicated to those who are tired of hookups and situationships, and are ready to find a healthy relationship which leads to family in the future.

Currently free to those who apply and are accepted before the end of January 2023. From February onwards, 3 or 6 month subscriptions will apply, and applications will only be accepted from those who’ve either been referred by a current member, or in possession of a REDDI ‘Golden Ticket’.

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