It doesn't matter if your baby is breast or bottle fed – why shame mothers?

I feel like banging my head against a brick wall. I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. Again.

Yes, that’s right: the breastfeeding conversation.

A couple of weeks ago, TV presenter and journalist Stacey Dooley – who is soon to welcome her first child – made a comment on her Instagram page that she hadn’t bought a steriliser yet, but did have a ‘completely impractical bag’. 

Almost immediately, some of her followers were quick to jump on the suggestion that she may be planning on bottle-feeding her baby.

‘If you’re breastfeeding you won’t need a steriliser… problem solved,’ one chimed in. ‘Breast is best,’ another (extremely annoyingly) wrote, followed by the hashtag ‘#normalisebreastfeeding’ – while a third commented: ‘I breastfed for as long as possible hence no need for that s**t’.

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Now, I’m sorry, but where exactly did Stacey ask for their advice? I must have missed that bit. 

It is absolutely no business of anyone else’s how Stacey – or indeed, any woman – chooses to feed her baby, as, thankfully, many of her other followers pointed out.

The fact that she wants a steriliser doesn’t even mean that she is planning to bottle-feed, either. Many parents use them to clean breast pumps or bottles they have expressed into, and even dummies.

But even if she does plan to formula feed, you know what guys, that is alright!

No doubt about it, breastfeeding is a truly amazing thing. I have watched friends in awe who have fed and sustained the babies they bore and birthed with their own bodies.

There is no denying that it provides incredible health benefits, and it is a wonderful way to bond with your baby.

However – and this is a big however – it is not for everybody. Some mums simply can’t, and others choose not to.

After nine months of pregnancy, some women simply want their bodies back for themselves – and they shouldn’t be shamed for that.

Former The Only Way Is Essex star, Amy Childs – who is pregnant with twins – recently admitted in her OK column that she wasn’t going to be breastfeeding.

‘It’s not for me. I couldn’t do it with Polly, I was devastated because there is so much pressure but you have to do what is right for you as a new mum and ultimately that’s what is right for the baby,’ she wrote.

‘When I had Polly, I had loads of messages saying, ‘you need to breastfeed’, and for me, I’ve decided I’m not going to, and that’s where we’re at. I know I’ll get trolled but I get trolled anyway – you’re never going to please everyone so you’ve got to do what’s right for you,’ she added.

Amy’s right. The pressure to breastfeed is overwhelming. It can lead to so many mums feeling like a failure, rather than enjoying those first few precious days with their newborns.

Breastfeeding didn’t work for me

And often – as in Stacey’s case – it’s usually other mums who are piling on that pressure. What happened to sisterly solidarity? It doesn’t seem to count when it comes to baby feeding.

Breastfeeding didn’t work for me. When my son Theo was born, he simply wouldn’t latch on – despite numerous midwives and health visitors attempting to help both of us, he just couldn’t, or wouldn’t, do it.

He was even checked out for tongue-tie – he didn’t have it. To this day, I still have no idea the reason why.

Instead, I expressed my breast milk and topped him up with formula. An anxious new parent, I kept track of how much milk he’d drunk, and whether it was breast or bottle.

For some reason, I really wanted his first and last feed of the day to be breastmilk, so I’d wake up at 5am and, desperately trying to keep my eyes open, fill a bottle.

Sometimes, when I was out with my friend who’d given birth a month earlier than me and whose daughter took to breastfeeding like a duck to water, it did sting a little. But I did what I could, for as long as I could.

I managed to keep it up for 10 weeks until my milk eventually dried up.

It’s an achievement I’m still proud of to this day, and I have absolutely no regrets. I really hope Theo gained the boost to his immune system that breast milk is meant to give.

Do I feel we could have been emotionally closer if we had succeeded in breast feeding?

Judging from the way he snuggles into me when I read him his bedtime story, reaches automatically for my hand when we’re walking alongside one another, or runs over to me when I pick him up from school to tell me about his day, I genuinely don’t think so.

In fact, I found the fact that my husband Tom could share the exhausting load of night feeds to be of massive benefit.

At least one portion of the night, I’d be able to get some uninterrupted, much-needed rest and the next day, when he went to work, I’d feel ready and able to look after my little one alone.

When Immy came along, she latched onto my breast immediately. I remember the relief, thinking, ‘This is what it’s meant to be like.’

But again, it wasn’t that simple. She’d get so distracted, she’d never really settle on the breast for more than a few seconds and would be on and off me for hours – not ideal when I also had a toddler to look after.  

Because I was so used to expressing from Theo, I started doing that again to ensure she was getting enough in one go and, after a few weeks, I started topping her up with formula. It was just a combination that worked for us again. 

But as long as babies are fed and looked after, does it really matter how a mum feeds their little one?

I really have no idea how mums who exclusively breastfeed manage it all on their own and I take my hat off to them.

Just as I take my hats off to all mums – breast and bottle feeders alike. Raising a child is an incredibly hard job and however we decide to go about doing it, we should all support one another. Without the side order of judgement.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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