JANET STREET-PORTER reveals the horrors awaiting Matt Hancock…

Matt Hancock faces a brutal trial by TV when he enters the jungle (and that’s before he tucks into kangaroo penis): I’m a Celebrity survivor JANET STREET-PORTER reveals the horrors awaiting him… and why she’s REALLY going to enjoy it!

Matt Hancock has made the biggest mistake of his life by choosing to appear on I’m a Celebrity, TV’s most popular reality show.

The accolades have been pouring in: he’s been dubbed ‘a total prat’ (by a fellow MP), ‘halfwit’ (his former wife’s best friend) and accused of having ‘no shame’ (a local councillor).

And those are the kindest ones.

When told he might be eating a kangaroo’s penis, one Tory MP said he felt sorry for the kangaroo.

Instead of sitting in parliament voting on a host of emergency financial measures to stop Britain going bust, Matt Hancock has chosen to surround himself with buckets of eels, tanks of snakes and streams of vomit – perhaps more preferable to meeting members of the public angry at his handling of Covid.

For many of us, the grim autumn evenings have suddenly become bearable. The heating might be turned off, we might be sitting under a duvet and clutching a hottie, eating own-brand flabby crisps with watery soup but our misery will seem bearable compared to the horribleness Matt is going to suffer in the jungle.

Matt Hancock’s fate is in our hands: Politicians have become pariahs in our society and an interminable Tory leadership election resulting in the brief reign of Liz the Lettuce has not done our elected leaders any favours.

Matt Hancock arriving at Brisbane Airport for the new series of I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!

My border terrier Badger has more chance of winning I’m a Celebrity that the Hapless Hancock

 Matt Hancock (pictured with Gina Coladangelo) has made the biggest mistake of his life by choosing to appear on I’m a Celebrity

The accolades have been pouring in: he’s been dubbed ‘a total prat’ (by a fellow MP), ‘halfwit’ (his former wife’s best friend) and accused of having ‘no shame’ (a local councillor)

What better way to let them know just how fed up we are with their antics than making Matt Hancock become our court jester in prime-time television?

He is naively hoping the experience will rebrand him as a man of the people, someone in touch with the younger generation.

What a joke. My border terrier Badger has more chance of winning I’m a Celebrity that the Hapless Hancock.

I can’t wait for the fun to start because the result will be ritual humiliation for the Former Health Secretary. He might have gone out of his way to flaunt his he-man physique, finishing the London Marathon (and raising money for dyslexia charities) in a decent time, stripping off for an impromptu swim in the Serpentine in the summer, but none of that will give him an advantage surrounded by the petty intrigue, mind-minding boredom and endless repetition he will have to endure in the jungle, a slave to his puppet masters Ant and Dec, completely at their beck and call.

Exhibit any sign of weakness and the public rise up and vote to ensure you have to submit to punishment all over again. Not something Matt will be familiar with in his former roles as a boss at the Department of Health, the Treasury and as Culture Secretary.

No red boxes to plough through every evening – just a can of worms (literally).

I’ve had plenty of experience as a former contestant. I was the last woman left standing in 2004, when the show was won by comedian Joe Pasquale.

I was bitten by snakes and attacked by camels. I slithered downhill in mud and lost all dignity. Starving, I managed to catch some eels in the river using a spare pair of knickers to ensnare the slithery creatures. I bashed them with a rock, skinned them and turned them into supper. No one would touch them, so I ate the lot. I cooked every night for a bunch of miseries, one of whom farted continuously in my face. I had to listen to Paul Burrows droning on about his ‘simple life’ as butler to Princess Diana. And heard how the Queen’s corgis wee on the posh carpets in those royal palaces.

Mr Hancock playing at a charity football match in 2018. He has defended his decision to fly to Australia

I was ordered to the camp hut and secretly told by the producers that my fellow contestants had to be prodded out of the sleeping bags and start performing. Tears and sick are what drive up the ratings, not slumbering blobs.

As a campmate you need shed-loads of tolerance – not something macho Matt has ever exhibited in his dealings with the public where he always seems 100% confident that he is right and everyone else is on a lower plane.

As I discovered to my cost, once conscious, the other campmates never stop talking, complaining you scratch, pick at spots, try and make your hair look decent. The executives want disappointment and disagreements, so daily tasks are designed so contestants will fail to win enough food, which always ends in tears and tantrums.

How will our former Health Secretary cope? Matt is famously thin-skinned. He famously lost his temper live on air with broadcasters Nick Robinson and Piers Morgan twice in one morning. To survive Down Under, he’s going to have to bite his tongue and be humble.

Can this Alpha male morph into pliable creep overnight? I very much doubt it. His discomfort will be our guilty pleasure.

There’s a simple reason for the success of I’m a Celebrity – barbaric blood sports have been popular for thousands of years.

The Romans paid Gladiators to fight unarmed slaves in the Colosseum.

In medieval Britain they burnt witches and chucked villains in the village stocks to be pelted with cow dung.

Any dissenting nobility had their heads cut off and stuck on sticks outside the Tower of London as entertainment for the poor.

Nowadays, I’m a Celebrity fulfils the same task.

The cast list includes people who might think they are a bit special- brought down to earth when they are forced to share a toilet, chop firewood, carry water, cook on an open fire and go without salt, sugar, coffee and basic comforts.

This year’s line-up was already a corker before hapless Hancock was added to the mix.

Mr Hancock has flown more than 10,000 miles for the new series of I’m A Celeb, shown landing in Australia 

Mike Tindall seems a likeable chap, a former sports star who must be a favourite to win, although there must have been a prior agreement that he would not embarrass the Royal family. Jill Scott is also bound to do well.. After her amazing performance at the World Cup, I don’t imagine much will faze her.

Will Boy George be allowed to wear his make-up during those ghastly trials where bugs are dropped on your face? Without his trademark slap we may have difficulty in identifying the feisty singer unless he breaks into song. George gave up drink and drugs some years ago and is a much nicer person these days, but he’s still famous for his savage put-downs. If Hancock ‘reaches out’ to Boy George in a desperate attempt to embrace popular culture, I suspect he might get his hand chopped right off.

I’d also advise Matt to steer clear of another campmate, my fellow Loose Woman Charlene White. Charlene cried on television recently remembering losing her beloved great aunt Doll to Covid, being unable to hug family members at the funeral. Like millions of us, Charlene was furious that she stuck by the rules only to discover that others in the government did not.

Maybe the only solution for Matt is to take a vow of silence before he enters the camp.

Somehow, I don’t think this master of self-promotion is capable of that.

I fear he’s in for a ghastly awakening.

And I (for one) am really going to enjoy it!

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