'Keir Starmer's PMQs entrances are growing more grandiose every week'

‘Keir Starmer got a right old tonking even after his grandiose ring walk’: HENRY DEEDES says Labour leader’s PMQs entrance was more carefully co-ordinated than a Tony Blair Christmas card

Boxer Tyson Fury may not yet fear a challenge to his ostentatious ring walks, but Sir Keir Starmer’s entrances to PMQs are growing ever more grandiose by the week.

Time was when the Labour leader used to arrive a good ten minutes early, find himself a quiet corner and carefully cram in a bit of last-minute revision. Nowadays, he prefers to saunter in at the last possible moment, all laid back and Daddy Cool.

More recently, he even allows a couple of his shadow cabinet to swim along in his slipstream as they milk the adoration of Labour’s grateful backbenchers. Yesterday, walk-on honours fell to Angela Rayner and Rachel Reeves who dutifully sashayed in behind Starmer, catwalk-style, smiles wider than those of the slinky senoritas one used to see on Sale of the Century.

The whole scene was meant to look spontaneous, but it had been more carefully co-ordinated than a Tony Blair Christmas card. It was intended to send a signal to the House which said: ‘Look at us everyone, we’re bright an’ shiny and ready for power.’

But when Blair was in opposition he was buttressed by such reassuringly weighty figures as Gordon Brown, Jack Straw and Robin Cook. The sight, as far as I am aware, of the likes of Bridget Phillipson or Jonathan Reynolds (who they?) making up the numbers along the opposition front bench does not set the voters alight. Or set the Downing Street teacups rattling for that matter.

‘Keir Starmer’s entrances to PMQs are growing more grandiose by the week. The Labour leader used to arrive a good ten minutes early, find himself a quiet corner and carefully cram in a bit of last-minute revision. Nowadays, he prefers to saunter in at the last possible moment’

Nor do Starmer’s performances at these weekly ding-dongs exactly scream prime minister-in-waiting. If anything, he seems to get worse as each week goes by. Yesterday, he got a right old tonking. And on a day when the entire country had ground to a heavy standstill over public sector walkouts this was some achievement.

Sir Keir chose to swerve the strikes completely. Possibly because he still can’t work out whether he’s for or against them. ‘Twas ever thus, apparently. A former legal colleague of Starmer once told me he remembered him as being utterly incapable of making decisions.

Instead, he chose to try to reheat the row over former Tory chairman Nadhim Zahawi’s tawdry tax affairs, an issue which for most people had long disappeared in the rear-view mirror. Like Christmas. Or dry January, thank God.

Sir Keir didn’t think so though. As a lawyer he never tires of retracing all the who-did-whens and who-said-whats.

Rishi Sunak pointed out Mr Zahawi had the paid the price for his iffy accounting errors. His political career was now caput. Finito. Let’s all just move on.

Starmer tried one of his cumbersome changes of tack. Result: A customary screech of brakes and crunch of gears. Always reminds me of watching a lorry attempting a three point turn in a tiny pub car park.

Before we knew it, he was then harping on about bullying allegations levelled at the man sitting next to the Prime Minister, his deputy Dominic Raab.

Mr Raab is currently the subject of an investigation which is expected to take weeks. Yet the Great Prosecutor had already decided he was guilty as hell.

‘Rishi Sunak pointed out Nadhim Zahawi had the paid the price for his iffy accounting errors. His political career was now caput’

Sir Keir disappeared into morbid mode. One complainant apparently claimed Raab had left them suicidal.

As he spoke, Raab shook his head dismissively. Incidentally, it was notable that the PM had made sure there was a good six inches between them on the government front bench.

Sunak pointed out relations among Sir Keir’s own tender flock were hardly fragrant. He reminded the House that Labour MP Rosie Duffield had recently compared being in the party to an ‘abusive relationship’ after she was shouted down by colleagues when she spoke out against trans rights.

‘If he can’t be trusted to stand up for the women in his party, he can’t be trusted to stand up for Britain!’ Rishi screeched. Tories cheered. Labour’s front bench was suddenly one long galère of horrors.

From that point, Starmer was gulping desperately for air. A freshly hooked trout flapping on the riverbank. He wailed about the vast cost of Boris Johnson’s Partygate legal fees which the taxpayer was going to have to cough up for. He branded the PM ‘pathetic’.

But all too little, too late. The accusation that Labour has a ‘women problem’ had left an inky dye all over him. It’s going to be very hard to wash off.

Twenty minutes later, as MPs dispersed, Starmer and Rayner departed the chamber together. No words were said this time, no glances exchanged. Next week, Ange might wish to pass walk-on duties to another colleague.

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