Menopause made me realise I hate my husband

Periods were never an issue for me growing up. Naturally, I didn’t love having them, but I never felt any pain and didn’t suffer like some of my friends did. 

When they stopped, at the age of 55, I was glad to be finished with the heavy bleeding and the constant changing of sanitary towels. But it never occurred to me what was next – menopause. I don’t remember my mum going through it and she never spoke about it.

I had no idea it would be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to cope with.

Nor did I have any idea it would make me realise I can’t stand my husband.

After having an arranged marriage, we’ve been together for over 30 years and until recently, our relationship was fine. He was very caring and would often book holidays for us all to go on.

We both had full-time jobs and were busy, content.

Then, when we went into lockdown in March 2020, we both lost our jobs. It turned our world upside down.

It felt as though there was no privacy in the house any more and I was constantly in the kitchen, cooking or cleaning up. I enjoy peace and quiet but my whole family seemed to be on overdrive. Between my husband and the children, it was chaos.

I was worrying about finding a new job, paying the bills and whether the pandemic would stop my children from meeting someone to marry. Or, if they did meet someone, how on Earth we’d afford to pay for the wedding.

But it was my husband who drove me crazy. He started nudging me awake at night to tell me I was snoring, so before long, I was shattered. I can’t remember the last time he asked me if I wanted a cup of tea, or how I was feeling.

And the truth was, I wasn’t feeling like myself at all. I started feeling ill, forgetful, and overcome with hot flushes. Things got so bad, I went to the doctor who took a blood test and confirmed I’d started going through the menopause.

The thought of getting close to him makes me feel sick

At home, I confided in a friend and prayed it would get better, now that I knew what was happening. But it didn’t.

All I could see was how selfish my husband was and suddenly I noticed all he wanted to talk about was himself. We started avoiding one another, going into a different room if the other one came in.

I don’t know if it was because I had the time to reflect back on my life or that I was getting older but I realised I didn’t want to keep putting my happiness last. I wanted to do things for myself. For years, I’ve never questioned anything, just simply got on with it, because, as an Asian woman, that’s what your culture and community expect you to do.

But I no longer wanted to do that.

Even after lockdown eased, things didn’t get any better. Now, my husband spends all his time at his parents’ home or the gym. His behaviour has always been like this but I think I was so naïve before and just stayed silent.

Going through the menopause has made it clear to me that his parents always come first.

He just loves being around his mother and he likes her food. Plus, she’s getting older, so he says he wants to be around in case she needs anything done around the house. I feel like I’m forever coming second.

I moved into the spare bedroom a few months ago and at least I can now get a good night’s sleep. But I’m becoming quite used to not being around him and the thought of getting close to him makes me feel sick.

I’ve started taking HRT but it hasn’t made a difference, and I go to a counsellor, which was a real relief to open up to someone without worrying about what they’d think about me. I’m scared that if I try to talk to my friends or family they’ll just tell me to get on with it. 

I’ve told my husband about starting to go through the menopause, and he says he’s read up on it but he doesn’t seem to be any more understanding towards me and what I’m going through – my mood swings, how depressed I’m feeling. Our relationship is no better, we just ignore one another. We’re completely different people, with nothing in common, and I can’t see a future for us.

I feel silenced and I’m suffering. Sometimes, I feel suicidal and wish I wasn’t here. I try going for walks and spending time on my own, but that’s a short-term fix.

More Asian women need to talk about the menopause and the impact it can have. We need to share stories and experiences and support one another through this.

Because, as I now know, it can be a really lonely place.

As told to Minreet Kaur

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