‘My new man says there’s something wrong with me because he can’t satisfy my needs’

2023-01-16

InLalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.

With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.

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Dear Lala,

I split up with the father of my children three years ago after a toxic and abusive twelve-year relationship. After being single for three years, I recently met someone and we’ve been messaging. My ex hacked my Instagram and messages and found lots of things including previous messages I’d sent to you about no man ever being able to make me orgasm. This has triggered him into escalating harassment and chaotic and verbally abusive behaviour in front of the children. I have reported him to the police and am seeking support from Women’s Aid to get a non-molestation order. To say I’m broken is an understatement.

With all this going on I kept talking to the new guy as friends and then we ended up sleeping together on three occasions. But because I didn’t orgasm, he put a lot of pressure on me. He said that it’s causing him stress that he hasn’t brought me to climax, and this leaves him unsatisfied and unhappy.

The pressure for me to orgasm is intense and it’s making me feel like there is something wrong with me. I have orgasms by myself but never with a man. This new man seems to think that I am the one who isn’t normal because all other women seem to have them every time. This isn’t my biggest concern right now with everything going on but feeling like there is something wrong with me after finally trusting a new man after everything my ex has put me through just feels like a kick when I am down.

Update Four days after sending the original letter the sender sent another saying: He has now told me he wants to stop seeing me because I make him feel like a failure and because he can’t finish unless I do so he’s constantly unsatisfied. He says he’s a traditional man and it’s his job to wait for me before he finishes and I have caused him a lot of stress with this.

Lala says…

Well, I sincerely hope that you have blocked, deleted, and are ready to move on because this man is ridiculous. And someone needs to tell him that 75% of the women he’s slept with were probably faking it 90% of the time– if not more. He’s basically angry at you for not faking an orgasm because that is what he is used to. I commend you highly, it would have been far easier to fake it to make him stop. Far too many of us do, though I wish we didn’t, you didn’t, and I salute you.

You have been dealing with a lot. Both during your relationship with your ex and because of the continued abuse from him now – I’m not surprised that you struggle to orgasm when you have so much emotional stress to deal with when he’s around. I’m not surprised you struggled with either of these partners.

An orgasm isn’t just a physical thing. Your mind needs to be in the right place too – as the new guy is proving when he says that he can’t finish because you haven’t. You need to feel safe and sexy; the conditions need to be right beyond the physical sensation. If you’re thinking about something else, worrying about what you look like, being overly focused on orgasm rather than pleasure, worrying about your safety, are in the midst of abuse, or feeling under pressure, it’s unlikely that you will cum.

There is nothing wrong with you. This is common for so many women, the female orgasm gap is a real thing for women who sleep with men. You can clearly orgasm, you’ve done it alone. The issue is in your mind, not your body. Firstly, as most women who sleep with men know, you don’t need to orgasm to have enjoyable sex. If you’re having a good time even though orgasm isn’t coming naturally, then as long as you’re happy then there is no need for your partner to worry, the important thing is that it feels good. But of course, it’s valid that you want to.

You had a lucky escape with this one, don’t try to practice on him. But in the future, when things feel more stable in your home life and you can lose your mind and relax into intimacy, you might meet someone lovely, and it might well happen. A decent partner would not put pressure on you or make you feel broken for not being able to cum, a decent partner would do what you needed them to do to create the conditions that you need, they would also understand why the stress of your ex might be impacting on your sex life and be patient about it.

I always recommend Beducated for anything like this. Beducated is a sex education platform who I’m currently partnered up with (though this is not a paid ad, I just recommend them highly). Watch some of the videos yourself or with a partner and get more deeply in touch with your sexual self and your sexual knowledge. I’d also recommend listening tomy podcast with Dr Karen Gurney – @thesexdoctor on Instagram (available on all podcast platforms) where we discuss questions about the female orgasm gap and only being able to orgasm in one position. Orread her book ‘Mind The Gap’. I’d also recommend reading‘My Broken Vagina: One Woman’s Quest to Fix her Sex Life and Yours’ by Fran Busche and having a look at my ‘Orgasm Gap and ‘Clitoris’ highlights on Instagram.

All these things will help you. But as you said, right now you are facing harassment and stress from your ex so you have a lot on your mind. Focus on you for now, get that support from Women’s Aid to get things in place to make you feel safer. Focusing on you could involve exploring making yourself orgasm, being intimate with yourself helps when it comes to intimacy with others. When you’re ready make it your mission to explore. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you just haven’t found the right partner yet. You have plenty of fun ahead. So, stick to not faking it, it helped you to filter out this fool! Block, delete, move on.

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