New Year's Resolutions – Who has the monopoly on flouncing off?

CRAIG BROWN: New Year’s Resolutions – Who has the monopoly on flouncing off?

YOU RESOLVE: To achieve a state of perfect calm.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Feeling slightly less anxious.

YOU GET: Woken up with a jolt at 3.26am fearful that your best friend has gone off you, you forgot to ask your colleague how his mother was, you didn’t pay the Dartford Crossing charge, your front tooth is a bit wobbly, your car is overdue its MOT, that scurrying noise in the kitchen might be a mouse or even a rat or a fox, people might think you’re stand-offish, you put on 5lb over Christmas and basically your life is in free-fall.

YOU RESOLVE: To lose a stone.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Losing a pound.

YOU GET: A Deliveroo consisting of a thick-cut pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and bacon, a bar of Fruit & Nut, and a family pack of smoky bacon crisps.

A Deliveroo consisting of a thick-cut pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and bacon, a bar of Fruit & Nut, and a family pack of smoky bacon crisps (file image)

YOU RESOLVE: To enjoy a civilised game of Monopoly with all the family.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A game of Monopoly that doesn’t end with someone stomping off in tears.

YOU GET: Furious that your brother refuses to let you off paying the rent on his four houses on Park Lane, you say: ‘Well, in that case there’s simply no point in carrying on playing’ and flounce out of the room, slamming the door.

YOU GET: Furious that your brother refuses to let you off paying the rent on his four houses on Park Lane, you say: ‘Well, in that case there’s simply no point in carrying on playing’

YOU RESOLVE: To develop your artistic side.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Buying a set of crayons and doing some studious colouring-in.

YOU GET: To doodle a Hitler moustache on a photo of a former member of Take That.

YOU RESOLVE: To make the British public see you are a man of honour.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Convincing the public that celebrating your daughter’s birthday in the Woking Pizza Express meant you couldn’t possibly have made it to London in time for a night out.

YOU GET: Stripped of your title, your military affiliations and your patronages.

YOU RESOLVE: To spend much less time online

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Spending a little less time online

YOU GET: To Google, ‘How to spend less time online.’

YOU RESOLVE: To let go of all your grudges.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Nursing the odd grievance.

YOU GET: Onto your computer and immediately send an email beginning: ‘Like most of your friends, I’ve just about had enough of your appalling behaviour . . .’

YOU RESOLVE: To complete your brand new 2,000-piece jigsaw puzzle.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Starting your brand new 2,000-piece jigsaw puzzle.

YOU GET: Bored of turning all 2,000 pieces face-up, so decide to switch on the television and watch an old episode of Gogglebox instead.

YOU RESOLVE: To create a National Health Service fit for the 21st century.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A National Health Service fit for the 20th century.

YOU GET: A National Health Service fit for the 19th century.

YOU RESOLVE: To prove once and for all that you didn’t leak your friend’s private messages to the media.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Proving once and for all that there were probably mistakes made on both sides.

YOU GET: A bill for £3 million.

YOU RESOLVE: To be the next Margaret Thatcher.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Being the next Theresa May.

YOU GET: To be the briefest and most disastrous Prime Minister in British history.

YOU RESOLVE: To be the next Margaret Thatcher. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Being the next Theresa May

YOU RESOLVE: To climb Ben Nevis.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Climbing Snowdon.

YOU GET: Puffed out climbing the escalators at Selfridges.

YOU RESOLVE: To celebrate New Year in a suitably festive manner.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Getting a teensy bit tiddly.

YOU GET: Photographed face-down in your underwear on Manchester’s curry mile wearing a pair of cardboard antlers on your head.

YOU RESOLVE: To count your blessings.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Counting your savings.

YOU GET: To count the loose change in the second drawer down in the hope of finding enough money for a packet of Fruit Pastilles.

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