The Big Happiness Interview: How to know when to leave a relationship

‘If you could look at my DMs, 90% are questions about love,’ says Vex King, best-selling author and Instagram sensation.

“Someone will message me: “Oh, my boyfriend Brad did this over the weekend…what should I do?” But I don’t know who Brad is and I don’t know the full context of the relationship.

‘It inspired me to write Closer to Love, a book on love and relationships that applies to this generation and empowers people to make their own decisions by building self-trust and self-awareness.’

Author of the Sunday Times bestsellers Good Vibes, Good Life and Healing is the New High, Vex has sold more than one million books worldwide and spent 123 consecutive weeks in the Sunday Times top 10.

In Closer to Love, he applies his ground-breaking philosophy of self-love to the world of relationships, helping readers forge deeper and more meaningful connections.

‘The core message in the book is that the best relationships are built when we build the relationship with ourselves first,’ he says.

A headline speaker at Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place Festival this summer, Vex talks to metro.co.uk about love and happiness:

What are the most common love problems that people struggle with?

People want to know why they keep attracting the same dysfunctional relationships and why the cycles keep repeating. Those in relationships usually want to know how to deepen the love that they have with their partner and how to rekindle the flame. The most common question is ‘should I give up on the relationship?’

What advice would you give to someone who is making that decision?

The idea of ‘giving up’ has negative connotations attached to it. It’s as if we failed somehow. But the truth is that some relationships just don’t work out. Back in the day, we would enter marriage and stay put because divorce was always frowned upon. But now we’re living in a completely new generation and divorce is accepted so I frame it as ‘knowing when to walk away from a relationship.’

So how do you know when to walk away from a relationship?

Some things to consider are: Are you both mutually committed to the relationship? If it is one sided and one person is overextending themselves to keep it alive, it’s unfair, and will create an imbalance. A relationship is about reciprocity.

The other thing to consider is if the relationship toxic or unhealthy. If the relationship is emotionally or physically abusive, then it’s important to leave the relationship as abuse is intentional and can cause serious damage. If it’s unhealthy due to say subjectively ‘bad’ behaviours, it’s important to ask yourself if anything is being done about it? For example, is your partner devoted to changing their bad habits for the sake of making the relationship healthier? If they’re not, you can only accept them for who they are. And if that doesn’t work for you, then you would have to consider moving on.

Ask – are you both working on the shortcomings of the relationship? If you are having ongoing arguments, are you both actively trying to resolve the differences, even if that means seeking external help. If you’re not or if you’ve exhausted all avenues, that might be a sign that you’ve both outgrown the relationship. And that’s okay.

Finally, you have to ask yourself how you feel about the relationship in general. Ask yourself, if you feel safe in the relationship and does it lift your spirits? Does it feel more like a blessing than a burden? I think it’s important for us to tune into our intuition, because then we’ll know whether the relationship is causing more harm than good, and what decision you need to make.

Often we can stay in a relationship because we are scared of making that decision.

Yes, even though we may know we need to make the decision, it can be quite scary to walk away. There’s a psychological term. It’s called the ‘sunk cost fallacy’, where we’ve invested so much into something that we feel like we have to see it through. But you have to ask yourself – are you spending more moments unhappy in a relationship that isn’t working without facing the reality of what is going on? As tough as it is, sometimes we just have to face up to it and act on the decision that we need to make.

How do we improve a relationship?

Recognise that your emotions and reactions are your responsibility. Instead of blaming the other person for how you feel, focus on identifying and expressing your own emotions in a constructive way that won’t damage your connection.

Use ‘I’ statements. Instead of saying, ‘You did this to me, or you always do this’, try saying, ‘I feel frustrated when this happens…’. That way you’re showing that you take ownership of your own emotions.

Dr. John Gottman, a marriage counsellor, talks about the four bad communication styles which can predict breakup or divorce. And one of them is defensiveness. When the other person expresses their own feelings or concerns, try to listen to them without being defensive.

Instead of dismissing or denying the reality and perspective, try your hardest to understand where they’re coming from, and validate their experience. That is a complete game-changer. We all just want to be seen, heard and understood. But when we become defensive, we deny people to have that right in the relationship.

8 red relationship flags: Proceed with caution

1. There is love bombing at the beginning of a relationship and then suddenly it stops and is replaced with criticism or manipulation.

2. There is distinct lack of empathy where your partner can’t ever seem to want to try to understand your point of view.

3. Your partner dismisses or minimises your emotions.

4. Your partner has a high need for control and they believe they are right all of the time.

5. When you don’t comply with your partner’s way of doing things, they show anger, stonewall or ghost you.

6. Your partner tries to manipulate you to get their own way by using guilt or fear.

7. When you express your needs, your partner does not take them on board or disregards them completely.

8. You feel mostly deflated in the relationship.

What do you when you tell someone how you feel and they dismiss you and tell you you’re wrong?

If you are arguing and your partner is highly triggered, it can be difficult to get through to that person in the moment. They may not be trying to see things from your perspective, they’re simply trying defend their point of view and shift the blame back to you.

It’s extremely important to enforce a boundary such as: ‘I’m trying to express how I feel to you. If you’re unwilling to listen in this particular moment then unfortunately I’m not going to carry on this conversation with you because I feel disrespected and feel like you don’t want to see and understand my point of view.’ And if they can’t respect the boundary, then the consequence may be that you withdraw.

You’re hoping that once they’ve jumped out of fight and flight mode, and they have calmed down, that they can come to their senses and apologise and say: ‘sorry for how I behaved earlier, I am now in a better place, and I’m willing to listen to you.’ And that’s the only thing you can do because you can’t control whether or not someone’s going to listen to you or not. All we can do is enforce those boundaries and even before conflict happens or the conversation takes place, you can actually start with that boundary and say: ‘I’m going to express how I feel and I need you to listen to me. If you’re unwilling to listen to me, then unfortunately, I can’t have this discussion with you.’

If someone really wants to work on the relationship and respects your needs and your values, they will respect your boundaries. Unfortunately, if they don’t, then maybe you’re misaligned.

You’re appearing at the Happy Place Festival this summer. What are you talking to Fearne Cotton about?

How to build a loving, healthy relationship with yourself and others.

How do you do that?

You start with yourself. There are three key components. First, practice self-care. Take care of your physical, emotional and spiritual needs by engaging in activities that nourish and replenish you. This can include things like exercise, healthy eating, meditation, hobbies etc.

The second step is to explore yourself. Reflect on your beliefs and where they come from. And if they’re hurtful or helpful. When I started building a healthy relationship with myself, I realised that a lot of the things I believed were not only harmful but were things that I adopted from people that I thought were authorities in my life, for example, a parent or uncle and auntie, and it was things that not only limited my potential in life, but they were things that weren’t grounded in reality or necessarily true. Self-exploration and inquiry helps you to discover who you really are.

The final step of creating a healthy relationship with yourself is the hardest – healing from any pain created in your past. That is an ongoing journey and you’ll go back and forth with that. Some days, you might feel like you’ve made tremendous progress. Then you might feel like you’re back to square one. But whether it’s trauma or just repressed emotions, it’s important to embark on the healing journey, because it really helps you understand and love yourself.

Vex King will be appearing at Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place Festival at Chiswick House And Gardens, 15+16th July And Tatton Park, Cheshire, 2nd and 3rd September 2023.

Vex King’s new book Closer to Love: How to Attract the Right Relationships and Deepen Your Connections (Bluebird Books For Life, £16.99.) is out now.

Source: Read Full Article