The ‘password child’: Are they your favourite?

As if parents needed yet another crime to be guilty of, in waltzes the “password child”.

What or who, you may ask, is the “password child”?

“That child may not feel particularly self-confident in situations… and that can impact their peer relationships,” says psychologist Alina Morawska of children who perceive their parents favour another child. Credit:iStock

I call it a parental nightmare in the shape of a viral meme.

The Urban Dictionary defines it, slightly less dramatically, as the child who is perceived to be the family’s “obvious favourite” because their parent uses their birthdate or name for their online passwords.

Or, as one of my three kids recently put it: “You’ve got his name?”

My kid had looked over my shoulder and saw me typing in their sibling’s name as my password to a favourite shopping website.

Before I got busted, I had never considered this could be construed as evidence of favouritism. Regularly referring to one kid as “darkness incarnate” behind their back, and another as “Shmooky”? Sure. Avoiding one child for months because they roll their eyes when you walk by, in favour of spending time with the child who doesn’t? Also, yes. But a password?

Countless kids have taken umbrage. It all began with a random Tik Tok in late 2021, in which a woman mocked parents who say they don’t have a favourite child by posing with one arm flexed, like a bodybuilder, with the phrase “THE PASSWORD” splashed across her torso. Cue more than 10 million views in seven months, and an explosion of countless other similar videos in its wake.

There are now 48.8 million Tik Tok videos related to the phrase “parents I don’t have a favourite child”, many devoted to the “password child”.

Who needs it? Parents were already up to their armpits in accusations founded on the minute decisions we make each hour.

“Once I said ‘I bless you’ to Mark, and Daniel was like, ‘You never say bless you to me!’” says one friend of her two sons.

“She thinks because I think he’s smarter that I excuse things and let him do things,” says another friend about her daughter.

“He gets chosen for things, like the debating team, and I think there’s a bit of jealousy,” says my friend, noting that she doesn’t actually think he’s smarter than his siblings.

Whatever happened to the good old days, when kids weren’t constantly accusing their parents of favouritism?

Just kidding. They never existed. At least according to an evolutionary biologist from Harvard University who argued, in 1974, that children have evolved to compete with their siblings for parental attention so that they’re aware of any favouritism, a signal that crucial resources for their survival were being given to others, rather than them.

So, are our passwords now another stuff-up we need to worry about? Have those of us who’ve chosen our kid’s name been negligent, emotionally?

Perceived favouritism from a parent is something parents need to take seriously, says Associate Professor Alina Morawska, director of The Parenting And Family Support Centre at The University of Queensland.

“Primarily because of the impact it would have on the child’s sense of self-confidence and who they are,” she says. “So that child” – who perceives they’re being treated unfairly – “may not feel particularly self-confident in situations, they might not engage terribly well with others as a result. And that can impact their peer relationships.” Not to mention their relationship with their parents and siblings.

But the impact on a kid discovering they’re not the password child depends on how they found out, says Morawska.

“The simple response would be, ‘You’re the first born, I chose your name because you were there and I haven’t changed my password in the last 25 years’, which is a dumb thing to do anyway, [but] that’s a very different thing to saying, ‘Look there’s three of you, and because you’re the most important to me, I’ve chosen your name as my password.’”

In other words, don’t panic. (Unless you did the latter.)

“You’d never say it’s just that one thing is going to wreck your [kid’s] life forever kind of thing… assuming we’re talking about non-traumatic events,” says Morawska. “[It’s the] common daily patterns of interactions, they’re the ones that are going to make a difference to children’s outcomes in the long run.

“Parents do need to ensure they’re communicating to all of their children that they are loved for who they are as unique individuals, and that might look differently because of who that child is and what they’re interested in,” says Morawska, noting that sometimes one child may be allowed certain privileges because of their age or developmental stage. “But that doesn’t mean they’re loved any less.”

Our kids will always find something to bitch about our parenting, even if we’re getting other stuff right. It’s their genetic legacy.

Just ask my friend whose daughter accuses her of favouring her son.

Is her son the password child, then? I ask.

“No,” says my friend. Her daughter is.

“She is quite chuffed,” says my friend. “It’s her great pleasure.”

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