This is the first Christmas since cutting off my parents that I feel happy

After exchanging a gift with my flatmate, eating a basic meal and sharing a bottle of wine, the rest of my Christmas Day last year was empty. 

As I went to sleep early and stared at my bedroom ceiling, I’d never felt more alone.  

That’s because two weeks into December 2021, I tested positive for Covid-19.  

It meant I couldn’t see my friends, which is what I usually depended on to make that particular month bearable. I’ve done it for years since cutting out my alcoholic parents, who cared more about themselves than me. 

I didn’t even receive a ‘Merry Christmas’ text from either of my parents. I hadn’t done so for four years, and it usually didn’t bother me – but that year, the loneliness hit me particularly hard. 

At least I had my cat. I got her in 2020 during lockdown and she changed my life. It sounds ridiculous to some people but she’s like my child, she has given me something to wake up for everyday. She’s the only family I need. 

After trying to reach out to a couple of family members and not having a response, this was the final wake-up call that I needed to realise that I had to let it go. The last straw.  

Looking back, it’s changed my life for the better. 

I grew up in the Midlands with my nan. The court awarded her full custody when I was around three because both my parents were alcoholics. 

I don’t have many memories of them from when I was young and – to this day – I don’t know if it’s because I was so young or because of the trauma.

My mum couldn’t go a day without a drink and she couldn’t look after herself, so she always relied on her partners. My parents haven’t been together since I was about three and my mum went from one toxic relationship to another. 

When things were going well in the relationships she would still drink daily but in a controlled way. However, as soon as she fell out with them she would binge drink to the point where she would often end up in hospital.

I only knew this because my nan would tell me and ask if I wanted to visit.

My dad, on the other hand, could go days without drinking but often chose not to. When he drank, he was a completely different person, unreasonable and aggressive. 

Degrees of Separation

This series aims to offer a nuanced look at familial estrangement.

Estrangement is not a one-size-fits-all situation, and we want to give voice to those who’ve been through it themselves.

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When I was in nursery, I remember him turning up at the school gates trying to take me home, but because he was drunk, they called the police. It was difficult seeing other people’s parents at the school gates and being the odd one out. 

My nan wasn’t very loving, and she struggled with mental illness but she did her best in raising me. We weren’t close, and I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about things. 

She would avoid speaking about my mum and, when I used to call my dad, she used to put the phone down and say she didn’t want to hear his drunk slurs. When he was sober she would invite him to dinner with us, but he rarely came.   

When it comes to siblings, I have a half-brother on my mum’s side, as well as two sisters and a brother on my dad’s side. They are all older than me, but it has been decades since I last saw them. I only know about them through Facebook and we rarely speak.   

My auntie, on the other hand, was my best friend. We spoke every day. She was the most selfless person I’ve ever met.   

She had six cats and she treated them like her children. She taught me the importance of being kind to both animals and people. Unlike my parents, the love she had was unconditional. She would always put my needs before hers, whereas my parents would always put themselves first. 

My auntie was actually the reason I moved to London for university. On the day I got the text that I’d been accepted, she said she couldn’t imagine not having me around because we’d been together our whole life. 

I felt so anxious and kept telling her I couldn’t do it, but she said to me that I needed to go and follow my dreams. 

In my third year of uni, I was at work one night when it was three days before Christmas. My dad had tried to call me but I missed it. 

He insisted by text that it was urgent. When I called him back, he told me that my auntie had taken her own life. 

I felt numb and detached from reality for a while afterward. This exacerbated my loneliness and because I wasn’t close to my parents, I didn’t know how to speak to them about it – it was very awkward. I blamed myself for not being there, and not going back home to visit her enough. It destroyed me.   

Less than a year later, I was on my way to my graduation when my dad called me to say that my nan had died. Although it was somewhat expected, I was still very upset and broke down in tears on the train.

I remember my dad turning up at the school gates trying to take me home, but because he was drunk, they called the police

After graduating, I moved back to my hometown for two years because I was struggling to afford rent in London. 

Despite living within a mile of my mum and dad, I barely heard from them. We exchanged texts here and there but I didn’t ever see them. As the years went on, it was as though we just grew further apart. 

After my nan died, I asked my dad if I could live in her house because I was on minimum wage and struggling to pay my rent and bills. He ended up selling the house and keeping every penny, which felt like a betrayal. 

It wasn’t about the money, but the principle. This turned me quite bitter and I couldn’t seem to let go of the anger for a while. 

During this time, his alcohol problem had become worse than ever and he ended up squandering the money he got from my nan’s house towards drinking. He would not stop ringing to verbally abuse me, so I had to cut him out of my life.

At this point my mum’s support amounted to a couple of texts; she said her boyfriend did not want her to see me. I was sick of her choosing men over me when I really needed her so I had to cut contact with her as well. 

I felt as though I had nothing left in me – all I’d experienced was constant loss and betrayal from my family. This breakdown caused me to suffer from anxiety and depression, lose all my confidence and stop eating. 

It got so bad that I decided to move away and go back to London to study for a master’s degree. Since doing this four years ago, I have not seen or heard from my family.   

After the bleak Christmas I had last year, I texted my mum asking if we could talk as I was feeling quite low, but she didn’t respond. I was disappointed but not surprised. 

So after spending the majority of my 20s working through family trauma, I have come to the realisation that life is short and you have to make the most out of what you have.   

Although I still have bad days, especially this close to the holidays, I can say that this is the most content I’ve ever felt in my life.  

I have worked through my emotions and understood that I don’t have to be defined by my trauma. I have so much to be grateful for. I have amazing friends who I know I could call in a time of need. I have my health and independence, as well as a good job and the best work colleagues I could ask for. 

For so long, my negative mindset was clouding this but now I’ve realised that I had to lose everything to start to rebuild my life and make it better. It has all been for a reason.  

I’ve since developed healthy behaviours, such as regularly going to the gym, and not suppressing the negative feelings I experience. This has helped me in so many ways. 

I now feel much healthier with much more energy, my sleeping pattern has improved and I have undisturbed sleep. But most importantly, my confidence has grown tremendously.   

I have managed to get two degrees and my job entails helping people every single day, despite no one ever helping me. I have learnt how to love myself and no longer seek external validation. 

I will be spending this Christmas alone with my cat. She is my best friend and is also something I’m extremely grateful for. 

Content in my own company, I will also be making a full Christmas dinner and I have bought myself some gifts.

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