To share or not to share? 5 women on being honest about salaries, savings and debt in relationships

Written by Amy Beecham

As new research reveals that 5% of us keep our salaries hidden forever, Stylist investigates how women really feel about sharing finances with their partner.     

It’s always been a social taboo, but amid a cost of living crisis, it feels like we’re all talking about money – or the lack of – more than ever. But is that really the case, particularly in our closest relationships?

New research from Capital One has found that more than a fifth of UK adults in relationships only revealed their salary to their partner after a year or more of dating, with 5% keeping it hidden forever.

Almost a third admitted that they also keep information about their credit cards, personal loans and savings a secret from their partner, with 43% refusing to have a joint bank account with their partner, thinking it “overcomplicates a relationship”.

“It’s important that people are more open about their finances, especially when it comes to how they can work together with their partner to achieve their financial ambitions,” suggests Katy Lomax, chief experience officer at Capital One UK. But how do women really feel about broaching the murky subject of salaries and spending, especially with a new partner?

We asked five women to share their honest thoughts.

“Talking about salaries was uncomfortable at first, but now it makes me feel safe”

Katrina, 27, has been with her partner for six years and calls sharing finances “an important part of building a future together”.

“We don’t hide anything from each other, and in many cases, we don’t think of things as ‘yours’ or ‘mine’, it’s a joint-asset mindset,” she tells Stylist.

While it took Katrina and her partner over six months to really talk about money, she says that now it makes her feel “safe” and shows that they’re able to communicate about all aspects of their lives, even the difficult ones.

“I think people keep their salary hidden for numerous reasons, but I also believe that there’s a natural time for it to come up,” she says. “However, if someone I was dating was curious about my salary too early on, I would be confused and maybe see it as a red flag.”

“We get by without him knowing what I earn”

Gemma*, 38, shares that despite the fact she and her husband have been together since school, they’re not completely transparent with each other when it comes to finances.

“I know roughly what he earns, but I tend to round it up in my head and put my head in the sand so I don’t have to worry about what I’m spending,” she explains. “ I don’t always disclose exactly what I earn to him, which I can get away with as I’m a freelancer and my earnings are different every month.”

Gemma says her husband puts the majority of his salary into their joint account to cover bills and mortgage outgoings, whereas she contributes around £200, unless he asks for more.

“Every few months he will tell me we need to stop spending so much, which I find really stressful, so for a week or so I’ll be super careful until I forget about it again,” she admits. “ I find money pretty stressful, so I’d rather not talk about it and just hope everything works out.”

“I know I should be more transparent, but that would mean living in reality and I don’t really want to,” she says. “We get by, and so far don’t have a huge amount of debt, so I’m happy to pootle on.”

“Our jobs encourage us to keep our salaries private, which makes it harder to share them”

Zoe*, 30, insists that knowing what one another earns means that she and her husband can make informed decisions.

“It’s important for us each to be able to contribute as much as we can to our shared life together,” she tells Stylist. “With changes in both our careers over the years, it hasn’t always been easy, but I truly think it makes for a more honest and open relationship.”

“Finances are seen as a private thing so I’m not surprised that so many people are reluctant to open up about money. Jobs encourage us to keep our salaries private so they can undercut others and make more profit, so we consider it to be private information that we could be judged for making too much or too little,” she shares.

“Especially for men, there’s this misplaced societal pressure put on them that money equals value and freedom, so there’s a very real fear that a partner will judge and/or relinquish it if they know their income.”

“I don’t like the idea of losing that final little bit of control that’s just mine”

Ria*, 29, says that the idea of sharing her financial reality with her partner of two and a half years makes her nervous.

“He’s very good with money and has savings and investments, and I just have a flurry of credit cards,” she tells Stylist.

Ria and her partner do talk about money, but she shares that he knows her salary and not her spending habits.

“It’s not something I would have disclosed voluntarily, but he initiated the conversations,” she explains. “ I don’t like the idea of losing that final little bit of control that’s just mine. Now we live together so much is financially connected with us whereas the idea of having to be 100% transparent about what I do with my money makes me feel really uncomfortable.

“Granted, I’m not particularly proud of where my finances are – I’m swimming in a lot of debt and will be for a while – but it’s mine and I’d like to keep individual responsibility for it.”

“We bought a flat together, so transparency was the only option”

Ellie, 30, and her partner of five years have shared their salaries since they met. “We had the same job and earned the same amount,” she shares. However, buying a property together was what propelled her to share the good, bad and the ugly about her financial situation.

“Buying a property with someone you’re not honest and open with money about is a terrifying prospect,” she says. “We’re very transparent even though we don’t have everything in joint names – our combined savings are in my bank account for convenience – we just view all the money as our money.”

For Ellie, being open about money was also important for building a solid relationship, even though it doesn’t come naturally. “We’re often told talking about money is not the done thing, or we feel shame about how little (or how much) we have in the bank,” she shares.“But talking about money can feel really vulnerable as a lot of us also tie our success and value to our finances, as much as we try not to.”

How to talk to your partner about money

As daunting a task as it might be, having some level of financial clarity with your partner will likely take a weight off your shoulders instead of having to manage the money burden alone.

But where do you start? Dating expert Anna Williamson shares her top tips for nailing the awkward conversation.

Schedule monthly money meetings

“Choose a time that doesn’t eat into romantic time,” she advises.“Money isn’t a sexy topic so it’s best to separate romance from finance. The more regularly you chat to your partner about finances, the shorter these conversations become and eventually it becomes as normal a topic as asking each other what you fancy having for dinner.”

Share a joint bank account for ultimate transparency around your money

While it’s not for everyone, Williamson says it’s a huge and healthy step for any relationship.

“A successful relationship is based on trust and honesty, and a joint bank account allows a couple to be more financially open with each other which, in turn, leads to more trust within the relationship. Merging your finances will also allow you to navigate financial pressures as a team and plan for a bright future together.”

Learn to compromise

“Can you afford that additional video subscription or that expensive gym membership? Whether you’re a saver or a spender, you need to communicate your expectations with your partner and establish what is a reasonable level of spending. That way it’s never an issue,” she concludes. 

Images: Getty

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