What to do if you and your partner want sex at different times of the day

2022-11-01

There’s nothing more deflating than heading home from work ready to rip your partner’s clothes off, only to find they’re not in the mood.

Countless couples, especially those in a long-term relationship, struggle with feeling turned on at different times – making it harder to become intimate.

Biologically speaking, men tend to crave sex in the mornings, with their sexual desire peaking between 6am and 9am, when testosterone levels are high.

Meanwhile, women want sex most between 11pm and 2am.

We spoke exclusively to Sarah Louise Ryan, an international matchmaker and relationship expert at tailormatched.com, to find out what you and your partner can do to reconnect.

Is sex actually the issue?

Sarah said: ‘Naturally in relationships there will be times where both people have wants for sex, and the other doesn’t, and that comes from many factors around life that can distract us from connecting, or make us feel disconnected from sexual desire,’ Sarah said.

‘Things such as stress, lack of time apart or other outside pressures can cause lowered libido.

‘If a couple is finding that the only place they can’t connect is sexually, then they can address this to spice things up and create ways to consciously reconnect.

‘However, if it seems beyond what goes on in the bedroom, there’s certainly room for discussion and exploration to spark that reconnection.’

Have our sex drives ever lined up?

Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and senior researcher at the Kinsey Institute, said: ‘Early humans weren’t having sex at night until we discovered fire, about 1.6 million years ago.’

Her studies show, ancient man actually had sex in the middle of the day: ‘They would wake up, eat, have sex, and then socialize.’

Although women’s sex drive likely wouldn’t have lined up at this time, there was a need to procreate and the looming threat of predators meant it was quick and perfunctory.

But don’t fear because we now have light switches and plenty of time for pleasure.

The only things we are battling are conflicting work schedules and making time for lengthy foreplay and intimacy.

Compromise is key

Sarah said: ‘If it’s about timing, then both partners should try different ways to leave their comfort zone to create physical reconnection.

‘Ultimately if the goal is to be sexually intimate and somethings not working, then there’s an amount of effort needed to try to hit the sweet spot of reconnection.

‘Scheduling time to spend with each other can definitely help.’

Consider how you initiate sex

Sarah said: ‘Initiating sex should be an active effort to be tactile and intimate with your partner, and not just at the times you would like to have sex that’s penetrative.’

Sarah suggested ‘simmering’ intimacy through the day.

She says: ‘It could be little touches such as holding your significant others hand under the table when having dinner at home, or bigger gestures like joining them in the shower in the morning.

‘It can be kisses throughout the day – not just on the lips, but the neck, back or body, just to say hello.

‘Showing you partner that you see them and want them, not just when you’d like an orgasm, will undoubtedly create that spark of desire that leads to physical connection.

‘If you and your partner have different times of day or the week you feel you want to physically connect, then making an active effort to leave both of your comfort zones and scheduling time away from the home or routine can help create that feeling of want and longing.’

Shake up your routine

Newness is a key way to shake things up in your sex life – but that can still be done in your comfort zone.

‘It doesn’t necessarily mean exploring the kinkier side of things or physically venturing out to seek pleasure at the likes of play parties,’ says Sarah.

It could be something as simple as having sex in a different room of the house.

‘Sex doesn’t have to take place in the bedroom,’ says Sarah. ‘Try a new place in the house and at a different time of the day or week unexpected to you both.

‘Activating or depriving certain senses can be a way to shake things up such as massage with scented oils or using a blindfold.

‘Creating newness creates mystery and that’s what often can spark desire in a relationship where it feels like it’s lost it.

‘Another idea could be sexting your partner at an unexpected time of day – exploring your thoughts, wants, needs and desires – this is a way to communicate what you want, but also to peak your partners attention unexpectedly.

‘Escaping routine can reconnect you both to eroticism.’

Spend time apart

Sarah said: ‘Separateness sparks the flame for desire. It’s eroticism of the mind when we don’t know what our partner is up to 24/7.

‘Having our own interests, passions, hobbies and friends means people can then bring their own stories, experiences and engaging conversations to the table or the bedroom.

‘Wanting to keep learning, knowing, connecting with and experiencing our partner in different ways keeps the flame of desire burning bright.’

Try some self-love

According, to Sarah self-love is important however you look at it.

She says: ‘The more you know your body, your desires, your fantasies, kinks, fetishes, wants, you can become in communicating that with your partner,’ Sarah said.

‘We can not be fully reliant on our partners for sexual connection and release.

‘To be happy with our partners we have to be happy with ourselves and that comes from connecting mind, body and soul with our wants and needs.’

Sarah’s top tips to get that spark back:

Have sex anywhere other than the bedroom to recreate and reconnect to the spark.
Schedule taking turns on practicing each others wants in the bedroom so you can explore more.
Plan play that isn’t penetrative to switch things up and so you’re not both reliant on each other for penetrative release.
Be honest about self love and connection solo – it may even turn your partner on. Schedule time in for self exploration, care and love.
Be conscious about simmering to create connection.
Write a sex menu about what you’d like to try and create time frames to sexually challenge you and your partner to explore more inside and outside of the menu.
Keep your own sense of separateness to spark the eroticism of the mind and mystery that keeps the flame of desire burning bright.

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