Why being the ‘kinkeeper’ in your family could be taking a toll on your emotional wellbeing

Written by Leah Sinclair

From being the family member who plans all the gatherings to helping everyone keep in touch, being the kinkeeper is no easy feat. We speak to lifestyle coach Kiran Singh about what it means to be a kinkeeper and how it can affect your emotional wellbeing.

Many of us take on different roles within our families – some of which we accept with pride, while others are thrust upon us, leaving us with little choice in the matter.

Whether you’re the ‘fun auntie’ or the ’black sheep’, these labels tend to do more harm than good, and there’s one in particular that can take a toll on our emotional wellbeing.

You might not have heard of ‘kinkeeping’, but it’s a position many of us can relate to. The term, initially coined in the mid-1960s, is related to the emotional burden often placed on women in the family, as they take on the role of being the one to help enable and assist family communication, plan family gatherings and help the family keep in touch.

The role of the kinkeeper recently came to light in a viral TikTok, where a 19-year-old creator, known as @thought_dumpy, shared what she learned about kinkeeping and how it can be the “root of stress in most women’s lives”.

In the clip, which has received over 1.2 million likes, the TikToker compares the kinkeeping concept to a theatre production. In this analogy, the actors are the men who get all of the praise, while the backstage crew are the ‘women’ who do all the invisible work behind the scenes and never get the recognition.

The kinkeeper concept encapsulates how women are often given (or take on) a role that focuses on facilitating the needs of others while rarely getting the same energy poured back into them. Instead, the focus is given to others – in particular men – while women’s work goes unnoticed.

“The role of being the kinkeeper can be challenging because of the time and financial commitments, along with the emotional demands,” says lifestyle coach Kiran Singh.

“Those who take on the kinkeeping role are likely to be balancing many different demands in their own lives at home, at work and in their communities, leaving little room to focus on themselves.”

Alongside its time-consuming role, kinkeepers are expected to find the time to help the family maintain its ties and try to make everyone get along. “They may also find themselves caught in family disagreements and conflict,” adds Singh.

While the idea of being the kinkeeper can be appealing to some, from being in the centre of family activities to the one helping maintain family relationships thrive and stay strong, it’s inherently rooted in archaic gender roles. It leaves little room for emotional labour to be shared among the family equally. Instead, it’s already bestowed upon women to take on this role.

 “This role is often placed on women because of our perceived nurturing nature,” says Singh. “But it’s not a role that should be limited to us.

“If you have found yourself in the kinkeeper position and want to spread the load, one or more people can step forward to take on the kinkeeping role to help the family become better connected.”

Speaking to your family and opening up this discussion isn’t easy – especially if you’ve found yourself playing the kinkeeper for years.

But opening up the lines of communication is key to changing the family dynamic and allowing there to be room for growth in the family and within yourself.

Image: Getty

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