It’s time to suck it up and face facts: all Millennials are now old

The concept sounded good: a music festival on wine country, surrounded by rolling vineyards and quality booze. When I looked at the line-up, I almost fell off my seat: San Cisco, Client Liaison, Cut Copy, Lime Cordiale … bands I actually knew!

I texted my housemate, a wannabe wine connoisseur, expecting to elicit similar excitement. Alas, I received the most humiliating possible response: “So basically a festival for ageing Millennials.”

For Gen Z, the mere act of holding a phone to your ear is an indicator of advancing years.Credit:Photo Getty

Which, undoubtedly, we are. The youngest Millennials turn 26 this year; too old to qualify for Youth Allowance, get discount theatre tickets or join Young Labor (though not too old to join the Young Liberals, who cut you off at 31).

The oldest Millennials have just turned 40 – solidly middle-aged. When it comes to music, we may not have entered the realm of “Eagles tribute acts at the Dee Why RSL”, but we are teetering perilously close to the brink of the dreaded nostalgia concert.

There comes a point when each generation must accept it is no longer relevant to any serious discussion of what is trendy, cool or fashionable. For Millennials, that time is sadly upon us.

The mere act of holding a phone to your ear to take a call is now an indicator of advancing years. Apparently, Generation Z prefers to yell into their device while holding it in front of their face and video-calling from an unflattering angle.

Phone calls are “cheugy”, the catch-all Gen Z term for cringeworthy, outdated Millennial traits and tastes. It joins skinny jeans, lasagne, UGG boots, avocado toast and using phrases like “doggo” or “I did a thing” (good call, in my opinion).

All of these things we can let go. Perhaps, though, there are some matters on which we should try to hold the fort.

Last week, a truly dystopian contribution to a rival publication observed that Gen Zs can socialise from the comfort of their own bedrooms and find romance at the swipe of a finger. It celebrated a widely documented trend among Gen Zs of drinking less alcohol, and wondered why university students would want to leave home to get drunk at events with strangers.

Well, let me tell you why: because it’s awesome. Drinking with strangers (who don’t stay strangers for long) was probably the best part of university, and more useful than any textbook or tutorial. The mixing between people from different places and backgrounds and interests is fundamental to expanding your horizons – which is the overriding project of a liberal education.

Don’t take it the wrong way: I’m an optimist and believe every generation is more enlightened, progressive and ultimately better than the one before. But I do think it’s in our interests to push back on the assumption that technology will always improve our lives – as we have begun to do with social media giants – and this pernicious idea that the digital world can ever rival real life.

If wanting to socialise over a chardonnay instead of behind a screen makes me old, then pass the Zimmer frame and sign me up.

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