I lied to my husband for years about wanting kids

2023-04-10

DEAR JANE: I’ve lied to my husband for YEARS about wanting kids. Now he wants a family… so how do I tell him I don’t EVER want one? Top author Jane Green offers frank guidance to a despairing spouse

Best-selling writer Jane Green addresses a woman who doesn’t know how to tell her husband she doesn’t want children – after lying to him for years
She also responds to a reader who is stuck in a toxic relationship with a man who still loves his ex-girlfriend but refuses to leave
Do you have a question for Jane? Email [email protected] or ask it below

Dear Jane,

I have been married to my husband for four years, together for six. When we first met, it seemed like we were aligned on so many different things when it came to our futures – where we wanted to live, what we wanted to achieve, how we wanted our relationship to look.

Pretty much everything, except for one issue: kids. My now-husband was clear from the get-go that he wants children, but for me, it’s always been something I’ve wavered about.

I don’t need kids in the way that so many women do, I don’t feel any kind of maternal yearning, and I always thought I’d just wait and see what happened. If kids ended up being part of my future, fine, but I wasn’t going to be upset if they didn’t. So I always just went along with my husband’s feelings about it and figured we’d work it out if and when it came up.

But over the past few years, I’ve been leaning further and further away from the idea of having children. Which would be fine, if my husband hadn’t become increasingly enthusiastic about the idea – asking regularly when I’m going to come off my birth control so we can start a family.

I have no idea how to tell him how I really feel about kids. Because really, I didn’t know how I felt when we got married. But if I tell him now, I’m terrified that he’s going to leave me. And if I don’t, and I go ahead with his dreams of having a family, surely I’m going to resent him – and the kids – for the rest of my life? Please help.

From, Up In the Heir

Dear Jane, I have lied to my husband about wanting children for our whole relationship – and now I’m terrified he will leave me if I tell him the truth

Dear Up In the Heir,

However much you were in alignment when you met, you’re very much out of alignment now, and there’s no way forward until you sit down and discuss it. Until you do, you have no idea how your husband will react.

International best-selling author offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her weekly Dear Jane agony aunt column

He wants children, but he may be willing to make that sacrifice once you tell him how you feel. You do not want children, but you may be willing to think about it if you and your husband were to honestly and openly discuss what having children entails and what you envision each of your responsibilities being.

Right now, there is a huge block in your marriage, and there’s only so long you can kick this particular ball down the road. I would argue that your marriage has a much stronger chance of survival if you sit down, take a deep breath, and explain how you have been feeling.

Skirting around the issue only makes it bigger and more powerful. And, given the incredibly important nature of this discussion, you may also want to consider working with a couples therapist who can help you in having a positive and productive dialogue

Generally I find that the things we fear aren’t nearly as terrifying once we confront them. Whatever the outcome is, you will be fine. You have always been fine.

And if you are truly on very different paths, with differing visions for your lives and future, then it may be that you come to the shared conclusion that separating and allowing each other to fulfill each of your desires is the only way each of you will find your own happiness.

But neither of you can move forward, together or alone, until this discussion is had.

Dear Jane,

I have been dating this guy for three years. He’s still in love with his ex but refuses to be with her. He lives in my house and barely contributes to the home.

I want him to leave and get out of my life. We do not have sex, that connection is gone. We do not do anything together that couples do… We don’t get out for breakfast, we don’t go on dates, bowling, nothing.

I used to make breakfast for us to enjoy together on weekends as we both work Monday to Friday, but I no longer do. We used to cuddle on cold nights as it’s winter here in Canada, but that’s stopped too. I just don’t want him in my house.

From, Tied Down to Toxicity

Dear Jane’s Sunday Service

Once upon a time I heard that carrying resentment was like drinking a bottle of poison and waiting for your enemy to get sick.

Resentment is a corrosive, destructive emotion. Anytime we start resenting a person, place or thing, the only one who will ultimately get hurt, is us.

If you are resentful of a situation, change it. If a person in your life is causing you to feel that way, let them go. Living without resentments allows for a life filled with joy.

Dear Tied Down,

This isn’t a relationship. This is you being a surrogate mother to a great big man-baby. I can’t blame him for this, because good Lord, he’s had it easy.

A home that he doesn’t pay for is reward enough, but add to that breakfast on the house, cuddles on cold nights and a companion for when he wants to go bowling… no wonder he’s still living with you.

This, my dear, is not dating. It’s a dysfunctional pairing that is masking as a relationship in words alone. I wonder what you are getting out of this other than perhaps companionship?

The only reason I can think for keeping someone like this around is loneliness. It seems that you are getting nothing out of this other than another body to house and feed.

And, as long as you are with him, you are ruining your chances of meeting anyone else.

The very fact that you think you are dating this man, when you are not, makes it clear that no-one else will be inching their way in.

Tied down, it’s time to tell him to leave.

You are not his mother, you are not responsible for where he ends up. What you are responsible for is your life, your house, and your happiness. However lonely you may be once he leaves, far better for you to be on your own, building up a life with friends and potential new relationships, than carrying around the resentment you feel.

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