Identifying your ‘relationship pattern’ could be the key to resolving conflict

Keep getting caught up in the same old fight with your partner? Here’s why understanding your relationship pattern could help you make a change. 

In an ideal world, relationships would be easy – but that’s rarely the case. In fact, building a solid, happy relationship almost always requires work from both sides.

Sometimes, that work is obvious – perhaps you need to sit down and talk through an issue you’ve been having or make a change in your routines to suit each other better – but other times, knowing how to overcome conflict and strengthen your relationship can be a little tricky.

According to the experts, however, there’s one thing all couples can do to help their relationship grow, and that’s going through the process of ‘relationship pattern labelling’ (RPL).

As suggested by a new study in The Journal Of Marital And Family Therapy, RPL not only has the potential to improve the health of your relationship, but also the physical health of you and your partner. But what is RPL? And how can you put it into practice?     

What is relationship pattern labelling? 

Relationship pattern labelling is pretty much exactly what it sounds like – albeit with a series of conversations to accompany it. 

After you and your partner have discussed which pattern you most relate to (see below for the 12 patterns identified by the study), you can use the associated image or metaphor to help each other understand where you are coming from.

In this way, instead of tackling abstract emotional concepts and struggling to understand each other, you should be able to have a constructive conversation that helps you move forward. 

What are the 12 relationship patterns? 

According to the study, the 12 main relationship patterns are as follows:

• Cactus/fern: one partner seeks regular closeness, while the other prefers their privacy.
• Introvert/extrovert: one partner needs time alone to recharge, while the other needs to be with people to recharge.
• Approach/withdraw: one partner seeks connection and interaction with their partner, while the other often feels overwhelmed.
• Emotional/logical: one partner lets their heart rule their decisions, while the other takes a more rational approach.
• Criticize/defend: one partner goes after the other on a regular basis, leaving the other to get defensive. 
• Mutual avoidance: this relationship pattern isn’t made of two sides – instead, it describes a situation where both sides of the relationship don’t want to talk about their problems. 

• Mutual blame: similar to mutual avoidance, mutual blame isn’t made up of two sides, but involves both partners blaming each other for their issues.
• Mountains/molehills: one partner exaggerates the relationship’s problems, while the other minimises them.
• Spender/saver: one partner takes a relaxed approach to spending, while another prefers to be frugal and save.
• Teacher/student: one partner feels the need to teach the other, which leads the other to feel infantilised and undermined.
• Dreamer/realist: one partner loves to fantasise about the relationship, while the other prefers a more realistic approach.
• Conventional/unconventional: one partner enjoys living in the day-to-day, while the other is more adventurous and out there. 

What if my relationship doesn’t match one of the 12 patterns? 

If your relationship doesn’t match one of the 12 patterns, that’s totally OK. More research is needed into how these relationship patterns work and the potential benefits of RPL, and it probably won’t work for everyone. All relationships are different, too – and you may identify with several of the patterns listed above.

With that being said, however, going through the RPL process could serve as a helpful tool to put any issues you’re having into words and better understand where your partner is coming from – both of which are likely to improve your overall happiness and satisfaction in the long run. 

Images: Getty

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