I’m a relationship therapist and this is the one argument all couples need to have

Written by Joanna Harrison

Couples therapist Joanna Harrison encounters this argument regularly in her consulting room – and that’s no bad thing, she says. 

It’s a couple’s first session with me and, as always, I begin by asking them why they have come to a couple therapist for help. Like so many of the people who have sat in those chairs before them, the answer comes down to one thing. “Well, we are struggling to communicate,” says the woman. “It’s true; we’ve stopped being able to talk about even the little things without having an argument,” her partner agrees without hesitation.  

This struggle with communication is the number one issue I address in my work as a couple therapist. In fact, so much so that it’s the first issue I chose to explore in my book Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have, which came out earlier this year, because improving this aspect of a relationship is the foundation for sorting out all other issues. Whether it’s resentments about carrying too much invisible load or feeling like you’ve lost the spark in your sex life, it all comes back to looking at the way that a couple communicates. 

This isn’t a revelation. It’s something most of us have probably recognised in a relationship at some point. But probe what may seem like a trivial argument over the washing up and you can see that they’re really about communication and, if seized, an opportunity to get better at it. It’s in these moments when we so often get each other wrong, even with the best of intentions, and we’re left with an angry feeling of “you never listen to me”. It’s this feeling that so often underlies the arguments that couples have with each other and, as my client said, gets in the way of talking about “even the little things.” 

Let’s take, for example, a situation that is familiar to me from my consulting room. A woman in a relationship is feeling overwhelmed by her Christmas to-do list. She’s feeling anxious about getting Christmas sorted in the way she wants to for her family in time. It means a lot to her.She tells her partner that she is feeling anxious, and he says, “You don’t need to feel anxious. Just cut yourself some slack – we don’t need to get it all perfect.”He can’t then understand why there seems to be a bit of an unfriendly atmosphere, and why, when he asks her if she wants to go out next Thursday with some friends, she doesn’t answer and seems to be cross. A bit of an icy feeling is left between them.

What has happened here is that she tried to communicate her difficult feelings, her anxiety; her partner, with the best intentions, tried to make her feel better about it. She interpreted his reaction as dismissive and this opened up distance between them.

My view is that these sorts of arguments are inevitable between couples. We are going to get it wrong with each other. We are going to bring different communication styles to our relationships, and different concerns that we are trying to get across. When a couple has an argument like this, I think it can give them an opportunity, if they can dare to be curious, to learn something important about each other. 

What if, when she told her partner that she was feeling really anxious, he had asked: “What do you think that’s about?” So often all that is needed is curiosity. In this scenario, he might have learned how she feels about her workload in the relationship – an important area to stay attuned to – and she might have learned about how she can make him upset and fearful by reacting coldly in arguments.

It’s not hard to see how getting this sort of thing wrong again and again can erode good feelings between a couple. My main piece of advice for a couple (assuming their arguments aren’t making one or both of them unsafe, in which case, it’s important to seek professional help) is simply to take the time after an argument to think – together – about what it was really about. 

“What was it that made you so upset?” is an easy question that can help someone really learn something about their partner. It’s one worth asking next time an argument arises. 

Here are some golden rules when it comes to addressing arguments about communication

Timing is everything. Don’t spring a difficult conversation on your partner – it’s bound to make them feel defensive. Put time aside to check in with each other and this will make it easier to bring up difficult feelings.

Be aware of your tone (and the impact it has). You may not think you sound critical to your partner, but if they hear you like that (and it reminds them of someone critical in their past), it’s going to trigger them every time.

Remember that you don’t have to agree with your partner to acknowledge what they are saying.

Always bring curiosity to a conversation. Asking what something means to someone, rather than telling them what you think something should mean, can be surprisingly fruitful and can really boost feelings of intimacy and affection. 

Joanna Harrison is on Instagram @joannaharrisoncoupletherapy and her book Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have And Why The Washing Up Matters (Souvenir Press; £14.99) is out now.

Images: Getty

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