I'm gutted that my ex-lover's baby is not mine and feel like I've lost a future | The Sun

DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE found out I’m not the father of my ex-lover’s baby, and I’m absolutely gutted. 

I feel like I’ve lost my future and am mourning a child I’ll never meet. 

I’m 39 and single. When I met a woman, 29, at a mutual friend’s party last spring, I fell head over heels for her. She said she liked me too. The problem was, she was in a long-term relationship. 

We agreed to be just friends, but ended up sleeping together when we were drunk. Stupidly, we didn’t use any protection.

Fast forward a few months, and she contacted me out of the blue to say she was pregnant.

She thought I might be the father as the dates matched. She claimed she rarely had sex with her boyfriend and they always used condoms. 

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I told her I’d stick by her if the baby was mine, and asked her to have a paternity test done.

She kept putting it off because she said she was worried it might affect the baby, even though I assured her a non-invasive test was safe.  Eventually, she agreed to do it, and I provided a sample. 

Three weeks later, when she didn’t let me know the result, I contacted the clinic myself.

They told me I definitely wasn’t the father. To my surprise, I wasn’t relieved at all. I felt bereft. I realised I really wanted the child. 

I would have been so happy to provide for that baby financially and emotionally.

And part of me hoped if it was mine, she’d leave her partner for me. 

Now I feel like she used me as a potential sperm donor.

Her boyfriend will never know she had an affair or that the baby’s paternity was ever in doubt. He remains in blissful ignorance – plus he gets her and the baby.

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DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions.

Now you know the baby isn’t yours, and you’ll never be with the woman you fell for either, you’re – naturally – confused and hurt. 

You have lost something you thought was going to be a big part of your life, and you are grieving.

You will have started to imagine spending time with your baby, so you’re now processing the loss of a future, of a dream. 

Some counselling could help you. My support pack about this will tell you where to access it.

This will get easier with time. Now you know you want to be a dad, this is something you can strive towards. 

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