My best friends death was like losing a parent – people just dont understand

2022-10-23

"Even though it’s been five years since she died, it’s hard for me to talk about the loss of my best friend Niki Power without crying. We’d been soulmates for a quarter of a century, ever since we’d met on the bus to college aged 17.

The grief we feel for a best friend isn’t recognised in the same way as when we lose a close family member or a partner. There’s still a stigma around it, yet I think it is just as painful.

I’ve shared so much with Niki over the years. We partied together, cried together when I lost my dad, watched each other get married. Now I don’t have anyone to share those memories with. We’ll never be two little old ladies laughing about the crazy things we used to get up to.

We grew up close to Ringwood in the New Forest, and from the moment we first met, Niki and I just clicked.

We started at the same college in Brockenhurst. On the second day on the bus, this girl asked if she could sit down next to me. I said, “Yeah, but don’t expect me to talk to you because I’m not in the mood.”

The next day she did the same thing, and I laughed. And that was it. We were best friends.

We loved going clubbing in nearby Christchurch or Bournemouth. Our anthem was Dreamer by Livin’ Joy. If Niki had lost me in the club, when that song came on she always knew to look for the nearest pole, as she knew I’d be wrapped around it, dancing!

We were always laughing, we loved being young together. When she got married in her early twenties, I was her bridesmaid, and she was there when I married my wife Rose, 47, in 2007.

But there was always a cloud on the horizon. Niki’s mum realised she’d inherited polycystic kidney disease from the paternal side of the family when she began passing kidney stones at a young age.

Although we had fun nights out, Niki did need to be careful. Medics warned her not to have children, because of the potential build-up of calcium deposits and pressure the baby would put on the kidneys.

But she was determined she wanted to be a mum, and went on to have her son Elliot, 22, and then Owen, 19. She made me godmother to both of them, and it’s been so brilliant to watch them grow up into fine young men.

As her condition deteriorated, Niki received a new kidney in her early thirties, but we were all devastated when it only lasted two years. That meant she had to go on dialysis.

For 10 years, I had to watch my best friend crumble. It was heartbreaking. You could see the illness taking hold. She’d often say to me, “I’ll be in a wheelchair by 40 and dead by 50.” And she was right – she was in a chair at 39, and died two years later aged 41.

She never lost her sense of humour or her spirit. Even in hospital, she’d tell me off for being down, and she’d regale the nurses with tales of what we’d got up to.

But she also texted me a few days before she died to tell me how lucky she’d been to have a best friend like me, so she must have known she was near the end.

At half past seven one Saturday morning in August 2017, I woke up to a phone call telling me she was gone. I screamed, and Rose ran up the stairs and started cradling me. I was a complete mess.

At the funeral a few weeks later, I gave a eulogy and helped carry her coffin too.

Niki absolutely loved baking and at the funeral I read a poem about baking and friendship, and I put a yellow rose on the coffin as that represents friendship. That was so hard but I started a journey with her and I had to see it through to the end.

I miss her so much and struggle when I have a bad day or just want to tell her something.

If I was struggling I’d pick up the phone for a chat. I knew that if I needed anything, she’d be there for me and vice versa, and there’s not that many people in your life you can feel like that about.

Rose has been an incredible support and I’ve tried to channel my grief into something positive. I’m so close to my godsons, which is a real privilege, and we’ve had matching tattoos in Spanish as Niki loved Spain.

I watched her fight so hard for so long, I’m determined to raise awareness for Kidney Research UK.

In 2018, we did a cycle race around the New Forest with my godsons and their dad. When I crossed the line, I broke down in tears. Now I’m doing the 850 Cycle Challenge, cycling 850km over 85 days around Devon, to represent the 850 million people living with kidney disease.

I want to tell people what it’s like to lose a best friend. For me, it was as heartbreaking as losing my dad. It’s a different relationship, but it’s still a great loss. I try to cling on to the happy times that make me smile, like the time we went to France on a day trip and got drunk on the way home with Côtes du Rhône, a baguette and a block of Brie.

I miss her every single day. She was the bravest person I knew. Niki and I were always there for each other and no one will ever replace her."

To support Kerry’s fundraising, donate here.
To find out how you can help transform life for those living with kidney disease by taking on a Kidney Research UK challenge, visit here.

Cruse runs a free helpline with trained bereavement volunteers offering emotional support to anyone affected by grief. Call 0808 808 1677.

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