My friend insists I was assaulted by one of our male pals who I had a drunken one-night stand with 20 years ago – I don’t think I’m a victim, so why is she gaslighting me?

• Anon UK woman argued with a friend who suggested she’s been assaulted
• READ MORE: I agreed to go part-time at work after having a baby – my partner insists that we still split the bills equally and people are telling me to leave him

A woman has revealed online how she is facing a dilemma- prompting a mix of responses.

A woman has revealed online how she is facing a dilemma- prompting a mix of responses. 

In her post, she revealed that she had met up with a group of her longterm friends, and the topic of one of their mutual male friends had cropped up.

The male friend, who she referred to ‘Alan’ in her post was someone who she had been very close with at intervening times over the years, and at one point, while she was at a very low ebb, had ended up sleeping together, as well as going to bed together at other times.

The male friend, who she referred to ‘Alan’ in her post was someone who she had been very close with at intervening times over the years, and at one point, while she was at a very low ebb, had ended up sleeping together, as well as going to bed together at other times. 

  A woman has revealed on UK forum Mumsnt that she has disagreement with a female friend about whether she had been assaulted by a male friend

In her post, she wrote: ‘A very unpleasant conversation with a friend about a mutual friend took place yesterday. I’d appreciate some help getting my thoughts straight. I feel rattled.

‘I was having lunch with a gang of old friends yesterday. A mutual friend was mentioned, let’s call him Alan. Alan and I were close friends for years since our late teens. 

‘We hooked up sometimes during single periods and at one point or another both of us separately broached the topic of giving it a go for real but it was never mutual or the timing was off. I am very fond of him but in recent years haven’t seen him in person for various reasons.’

Her post continued: ‘In the intervening years my friends at the lunch knew him through different channels. One of them told a shocking story about him. I was utterly horrified and pressed for details. 

‘She seems to have the information fourth hand. It’s about Alan allegedly having sex with one of her friend’s friends when she was too drunk to consent and possibly unconscious (I say possibly as the woman herself is unclear on whether she had blacked out).

‘To note : I know of this woman and her circle. They are heavy drug users and lead chaotic lives. I’ve heard a lot of similar stories circling over the years about some of the other men. 

‘I’ve been talking to Alan a good bit online recently and he has stopped drinking completely and hasn’t taken drugs in well over a decade. I briefly wondered if this was why.

‘I was digesting this news and asked who the source was. My friend was unimpressed at my response and asked why I didn’t believe it. I said it was hard to absorb, I had never had any indication he could be capable of that. He has always been absolutely lovely to me. We would frequently go out for dinner alone or stay in each others houses.’

It was the next part of the conversation which shocked the poster, who wrote: ‘At that point my friend looked shocked and said he had pretty much done the same to me in our early twenties. I had no idea what she was talking about then I remembered and started to laugh.’

In her post, the woman shared a lot of context about the young man’s behaviour and who it had pertained to her over the years 

She then, in her post, shared the background context from 20 years ago, saying she had ‘phoned Alan one day sobbing that I’d been dumped and was heart broken’. 

The post continued: ‘He said he would be straight out. We went to the local bar and lined up a load of shots on the bar. The usual melodrama of that tine. Neither of us remember finishing them and predictably we woke up in bed together. 

‘We were also very embarrassed as we tried to piece together the rest of the evening and kept receiving snippets of info from random people who we had run into.’

Her post continued, discussing what her friend had made of the situation: ‘She said he was preying on me as I was vulnerable. I argued that if anything I took advantage of him and I knew exactly where that night was going to end up. We’d slept together previously. 

‘He actually liked me for real as it turned out and had asked me out properly the following week but I turned him down as was pining for my ex. We went back to being friends afterwards and had a couple of flings over the next ten years.

‘A debate ensued about how we lie to ourselves as we can never accept that we have been a victim. I know this happens but I really don’t think I am.

‘Yabu [You Are Being Unreasonable]: he was a predator even then and you are deluded

‘Yanbu [You Are Not Being Unreasonable]: he may well be a rapist now but that doesn’t change what happened in the past – two mates behaving like idiots and no harm done.’

A number of respondents felt that it was not up to the friend to decide whether the poster had ben assaulted, as it was not her experience, and she had not been there.

Many of the thread respondents felt as though the friend was being strange, and and trying to impose her own feelings on to thesituqtiino                        

One wrote: ‘Sounds like your friend has her own issues with Alan, but she shouldn’t be telling you how to feel about your own experiences. Who knows the truth about Alan and anyone else but it sounds as if this information is too far removed and based on hearsay and therefore nothing you should be expected to come to any conclusions over.’

Another agreed, adding: ‘It’s not up to your friend to decide that you’ve been assaulted. You were there! If you felt OK about it and not traumatised, it sounds like two drunk people ending up in bed, which is not remotely unusual. He may well have assaulted someone else but that’s another story. Sounds like your friend wants to create a drama out of this. If you’ve been relaxed about it up to now I’d trust your instinct.’

And a third felt the same, writing: ‘Your friend is being weird and kind of gaslighting you.’

Meanwhile, a fourth chipped in to add: ‘Your friend is being ridiculous. Surely the person best placed to know if you consented is you. People get drunk and have consensual sex all the time. That is a completely different situation to the other person they were talking about where none of you can know whether that lady consented, and it’s not for any of you to judge.’ 

A fifth felt similarly, and wrote: ‘It doesn’t sound like you were assaulted, from your description, no. It’s odd your friend thinks you were, unless you told her something back then that you’ve forgotten. Or perhaps she just thinks he set you up deliberately, but it’s impossible to tell whether that’s justified without more info.

‘There is no need however to cast aspersions on whether the woman who says she was assaulted by him was or not. You can’t possibly know, but in general people don’t make these things up – perhaps she did of course, but it is wrong to imply that without a good reason. You don’t need to have an opinion about it.’

Some of the respondents seemed unimpressed by the friend getting involved, and using the potential victim’s experience as lunchtime conversation foddrt

Some of the respondents felt much more strongly, saying that as the OP (Original Poster) did not feel she has bee assaulted, she hadn’t.

One wrote: ‘OP’s friend thinks she was assaulted, but OP doesn’t think she was not. OP was there. I believe OP. ‘OP’s friend thinks another woman was assaulted, OP’s friend got it wrong with OP so I think OP is right to question her on this alleged assault as well. Like OP, I would want to hear from the woman her friend thinks was assaulted. That woman was there, so I would believe her over anyone else.’

Another added: ‘Your friend is being ridiculous. Surely the person best placed to know if you consented is you. People get drunk and have consensual sex all the time. That is a completely different situation to the other person they were talking about where none of you can know whether that lady consented, and it’s not for any of you to judge.’

And a third wrote about the woman who has allegedly been assaulted. She said: ‘It might be nicer if you all stopped gossiping about friends of friends sexual assaults when you’re out for lunch.

‘Hopefully someone has actually made sure the alleged victim is OK.’

Source: Read Full Article