Hayden Panettiere shows prioritizing your mental health can make you a better parent

What makes a “good parent”? What makes a “bad parent”? And why are people criticizing Hayden Panettiere’s motherhood as the latter?

The “Nashville” alum, 32, has been candid about her ex Wladimir Klitschko having primary custody of their daughter Kaya, 7, as she works through her mental health struggles.

In a joint interview with “Good Morning America” and People published July 6, Panettiere opened up about sending her daughter to Ukraine to live with Klitschko in 2018 as her depression and alcohol addiction worsened.

“It was the hardest thing I could do,” she told People. “But the best thing for my daughter was to make sure she was OK, take care of myself and make sure I could be a good mom to her. And sometimes that means letting go.”

https://youtube.com/watch?v=jR39DVA39Ho%3Ffeature%3Doembed

‘I didn’t want to be around me’: Hayden Panettiere opens about addiction, postpartum depression

Experts in mental health, addiction and postpartum depression admire Panetierre’s choice. But commenters on Instagram riddled the comments section of Panettiere’s last birthday post for her daughter with insults about her motherhood.

“We just have to divorce ourselves from the assumption that a mother’s care and love looks a particular way,” Dorianne Mason, Director of health equity, reproductive rights and health at the National Women’s Law Center tells USA TODAY. “We have to divorce ourselves from this suffering mother narrative.”

Mason adds that Panettiere’s story “demonstrates that care and love may look like seeking support that you need to stabilize your life and thrive … maybe that means that your child is in another stable and loving environment while you do that.”

Hayden Panettiere: Postpartum depression didn’t make me a bad mother

The most recent U.S. Census Bureau report about custodial rights, released in May 2020, concludes one in four children have one of their parents living in a different household with cisgender female parents having around 65% of custodial time. The report has no specific statistics on trans men or nonbinary parents.

Although statistics favor people who can give birth having primary custody, our healthcare system, understanding of postpartum depression and stigma surrounding substance abuse fails to support them.

Understanding postpartum. What is it and how do you support the caregiver?

Postpartum depression is long–lasting depression following the birth of a child. Symptoms include helplessness, feelings of worthlessness and difficulty bonding with your child, according to the Mayo Clinic. Prior existing mental health history and addiction are factors that make someone more likely to suffer from postpartum depression, the organization notes. Nearly one in seven child-bearers suffer from the illness, per the American Psychological Association.

Postpartum depression is a hormonal imbalance, says psychotherapist Crystal Burwell. It doesn’t go away with “feel good” activities if you’re not addressing the “depletion of serotonin and dopamine in your brain,” she adds.

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Virginia Williamson, Collaborative Counseling Group founder and licensed marriage and family therapist, says stigma largely plays a role in people facing postpartum not seeking help. She adds that patients with longstanding relationships with their physicians are more likely to be open about their symptoms.

“There’s an expectation that we should be happy after the birth of a child and that it’s a miracle and that we should be joyous, and there’s also an unrealistic expectation about how quickly we should be able to bounce back both physically and emotionally,” Williamson says. “Especially if someone is not bonding with their child or worst–case scenario having harmful thoughts toward their child, it’s a difficult thing to admit.”

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Is there a link between postpartum depression and addiction?

Panettiere said she maintained sobriety while pregnant, but began to slip back into alcohol addiction after Kaya was born.

“I didn’t know where the alcoholism was ending and the postpartum was beginning,” she told “GMA.”

The “Bring It On” alum added: “People around me were more concerned about my usage of alcohol than they ever were about the postpartum depression.”

Experts say there isn’t enough research to suggest that postpartum depression and addiction have a direct correlation, but prior existing addiction can be exacerbated after giving birth because it was already an established coping mechanism.

Separate from addiction, Williamson adds, “We still have a culture of this ‘wine o’clock’ and ‘mommy’s juice’ and there’s acceptance around women using alcohol to cope with parenthood.”

Burwell says she’s often seen clients who had already been on antidepressants or used substances socially prior to pregnancy to a degree that was “not necessarily a problem” and “functional.” While “a combination of therapeutic approaches” are great when a patient has to go off of antidepressants, they are not a replacement.

In the midst of postpartum, “drinking or substance use can ramp up,” she adds.

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The U.S. healthcare system does not always support people who give birth. How can you set yourself up for success?

Experts agree that the “individualistic” way we look at parenting in the U.S. combined with a lack of accessible resources for people who give birth compound in a way that negatively affects both parent and child.

Williamson notes that the “it takes a village” mentality of parenting is beneficial, but not often practiced in the U.S.

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Mason adds: “We don’t really live in a country that’s supportive of mothers … We don’t guarantee health care before you’re pregnant, while you’re pregnant or after a pregnancy. We don’t guarantee child care. We don’t guarantee paid leave or paid sick leave.”

Even people who are highly resourced are discouraged by the difficulty navigating the mental health care system and from the stigma that the parent is “not a good mother” or “the impression that they’re a bad person,” Mason says.

Women, especially women of color, are less likely to be believed when it comes to any pain they experience, so Mason strongly suggests patients “really push our providers to recognize their own bias and to ensure that people don’t feel like they are being dismissed.”

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How does separation affect a child?

“Addiction sets up an environment that’s not safe and children need that civility and dependability,” says Burwell. “They need for things to be predictable in their life, especially in that 0 to 5 age range, where developmentally they’re learning.”

She adds: “That trauma can also lead to addiction later in life, because of the environment as well as the genetics. It is a mixed bag and it looks different for every child.”

Williamson notes that children also have a tendency to blame themselves thinking their behavior caused the addiction.

For Panettiere, she said being a “good mom” to her daughter meant “letting go.” Over the past year, she’s also sought treatment. Experts commend her. “Letting go can feel like a failure, but I always say sometimes you have to take a step backward to be able to move forward,” Mason says.

While commendable, separation still has devastating effects for everyone involved. “It’s a hard decision because the child is going to be impacted either way … separation is traumatic for anyone,” Burwell says.

If your or someone you know is struggling with substance use disorders, you can call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. The service is free, confidential and available in English and Spanish.

Those looking for treatment for perinatal or postpartum depression should seek a women’s health specialist with perinatal psychology training. Postpartum Support International can connect moms or loved ones with trained professionals. Connect with them online or by calling 1-800-944-4773.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Hayden Panettiere, and why the ‘suffering mother narrative’ is harmful

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