How I Parent: 'I'm raising my child completely gender-free'

Welcome back to How I Parent, where we get a glimpse into how the nation is raising their kids.

This week we’re chatting to Leah Borromeo, a 43-year-old documentary filmmaker, who lives in London with her partner Matt, and her three-year-old child, Riley, who she is raising completely gender-free.

Her little one, who uses they/them pronouns, is the first gender-free child at her nursery, but Leah says staff have been nothing but supportive.

‘We came in to have a conversation and talk with other staff,’ she says. ‘And I was really pleased, surprised and happy that they gave immediate support and that they were completely on board with my views.’

Leah and Matt decided to raise their child gender-free from birth, as they share a dislike for ‘traditional gender roles’.

‘You often hear things such as ‘you can’t do that because you’re a girl’ or ‘you can’t do something because you’re a boy,’ says Leah.

‘The amount of restrictions that occur while you’re bringing up children, even from birth, makes me feel that you’re already setting certain kinds of prejudice with this.’

‘We discussed things such as why society tends to pin down certain things on children and try to restrict them, such as blue is for boys, pink is for girls.

‘We want our child to grow up to be their own selves.’

So, what does raising a gender-free child actually entail?

The family use they/them pronouns when speaking about their toddler, who they choose not to identify online. But Leah says broad, equalising language goes beyond labels and choosing a gender-neutral name.

‘When a baby is born, you hear nurses and doctors often say, “Oh, what a big strong boy” or “What a pretty lady,”‘ she explains.

‘I don’t think immediately generalising them in this way is fair. So we avoid that as much as possible by using words like “pretty” and “beautiful” and “handsome” and “strong” all at the same time.’

When picking out clothes and toys, Leah lets her child make most of the decisions and always ensures they have a varied amount of colours and styles.

‘From a very early age, about three months onwards, I would flash patterns and colours in front of my child,’ she explains. ‘They would kick in approval of one or reach out for another. Then that’s what they would wear.

‘Obviously, they don’t know at a certain age what a shopping website is or anything, but now if they say they want a stripy pants or a dress with skeletons, then we will go out and procure it.’

When it comes to household work, Leah says they also don’t do typical gender roles and have adopted a fluid approach.

‘We decided to flip the script of household norms, consciously, and my partner is the primary carer. So he’s the one who does all the cooking and cleaning, and we both work full-time jobs.

‘I think he has done almost all of the nappies and a good bulk of the potty training while I take on the secondary carer role. This usually involves finding activities, sourcing clothes and arranging playdates.’

She also makes sure there are different choices in their playtime, too.

‘We actively encourage everything from playing baseball to riding a bike to doing gymnastics or ballet, singing, and all sorts of other different activities.’

While Leah herself uses she/they pronouns and her other family members are not gender-free, a close friend of hers has also been raising her child in the same way.

‘My friend’s soon-to-be eight-year-old was raised gender-free. But at some point, they came home one day from school and decided on their gender by themselves. Their parents, of course, rolled with them and supported them in this decision,’ she says.

When Leah goes to playgrounds or nursery, most children follow her childs lead.

‘Kids in random playgrounds and soft play areas usually refer to them with whatever pronoun they presume or want to use, and we don’t “correct” them – but we do explain it to parents.’

What we’re teaching our Riley is that it’s 100% cool to reply with “I’m a kid! Or I’m Riley!” or whatever emotion they’re feeling that day.’

‘Ultimately, we’re more into having a child who is more in touch with how they feel rather than someone who is wedded to labels and societal constructs.’

While the majority of people in her life have been supportive of her choices, she says some will always try to give advice.

‘If there’s any kind of unsolicited parenting advice I’d give to another parent, it’s that you will always receive unsolicited parenting advice!’ she says.

‘Be it online, through your Instagram feed or from your relatives or your friends, people just want what they presume to know the best for you.’

‘In my case, I think what we really, really want to do is be one of those families that helps kick open the door of change. Our primary motivation is equity and we can’t really find that equity until we inculcate that into our children.’

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