Is it really better to be the bigger person?

Written by Leah Sinclair

It’s a term we’ve all heard at one point or another – so we’ve spoken to two therapists about whether it’s actually good for your own personal boundaries.

How often have you been told or told someone else to be the bigger person? Chances are, it’s something you’ve experienced, one way or the other.

Whether it was your parents pleading with you while you were arguing with a particularly annoying sibling, or a friend asked you to do so after a massive blow-up, being told to be the bigger person is a phrase often uttered when someone knows you’re not in the wrong but is hoping you’ll be willing to go above and beyond to make up with the other person.

And while it’s something that is normalised in society, the way people perceive what it means to be the bigger person can lead to misunderstandings, being overlooked and boundaries being crossed, which can have an untold effect on your own wellbeing and relationship dynamics.

“Being the bigger person requires good management of your emotions and the ability to choose which battles are worth fighting,” says Carly Webb, a therapist and founder of Vitus Wellbeing. “But it’s not always commendable to overlook someone’s poor behaviour.”

Being the bigger person often requires an individual to step outside of their own ego and beliefs and to prioritise peace amid discord – but there are times when this action can negatively affect you.

“If you’re feeling uneasy, unsettled or uncomfortable with another person’s behaviour towards you, it’s important to address that in some way,” says Webb. “Your body will tell you if it’s unhappy through breakouts, stomach upsets, changes in appetite, disrupted sleep, headaches and more.”

She adds that communicating those frustrations is another option when being the bigger person doesn’t quite cut it. “Your health and wellbeing are incredibly important and should be protected,” she says.

While being the bigger person can show maturity, others might also see it as an opportunity to test your boundaries, which is why it’s important you can balance keeping the peace while not being seen to be a pushover.

One way to do this is by working on your own emotionally regulation and control, according to principal psychologist Dannielle Haig.

“This is my first piece of advice to anyone looking to maintain their boundaries and have them implemented. By understanding yourself, you will clearly and instinctively know where your boundaries lie, and this is important because they need constant maintenance. No one will build or maintain your boundaries for you; it’s a solo expedition that we must do ourselves. Once you know your boundaries, then you will clearly know when to say ‘no’ to others and ‘yes’ to yourself.”

Boundaries are a key aspect of any interaction with people, particularly in disagreements when those boundaries can be pushed.

Maintaining them while also not allowing others to take you down emotionally and mentally is not easy, but it’s at the core of being the bigger person – it allows you to know where you stand and ensure others know that too without being hurt by their words and actions, something which can be easily misunderstood.

“We seem to see the bigger person as the one who lets everything go without consequence, rather than the one who communicates clearly but kindly when they’re being disrespected,” says Webb. “It’s empowering to stand up for yourself, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue to have a relationship with someone who has hurt or upset you.”

So the next time someone suggests that you be the bigger person, don’t think it means someone else’s behaviour is going unchecked and your experiences matter less than keeping the peace.

Instead, see it as an opportunity to communicate where your boundaries lie but don’t allow that person to affect your day, mood or energy. And at the end of the day, you can always forgive but not forget.

“If someone can’t understand why you’re hurt or upset and won’t respect your boundaries, then that person probably won’t be a positive addition to your life,” says Haig. “A valuable but difficult lesson to learn is that no one is responsible for your emotions – only you.” 

Image: Getty

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