Our relationships counsellor answers your problems

Our relationships counsellor answers your problems: I’ve always felt inferior to my dead brother

• READ MORE: He is poisoning our daughter against us

Q I am 82 and miserable. Although I’ve been happy with my second husband for 30 years, I’ve always suffered from low self-esteem and loneliness. This has become worse recently due to my relationship with my daughter from my first marriage. We divorced when she was two and she never saw her father again. 

I love her and her two teenage daughters dearly but always feel I’ve been kept at arm’s length. They used to visit my husband and me, but we were never invited to theirs. Now she’s stopped coming and I feel I know nothing of my granddaughters’ lives. My daughter would ring each week but because I didn’t want to be a bother I never called her. 

An 82-year-old woman reveals that she has always had low self esteem, which is now effecting her relationship with her daughter. She thinks it is because she is the shadow of her brother who died before she was born

However, a few months ago, I emailed to say that I didn’t feel up to talking. Things have been strained since. I have always had mental health difficulties. My eldest brother was 13 years older than me, but I also had a brother who died of polio aged six. 

My mum desperately wanted another child so had me. Although I know she adored me, I always felt guilty that I could never be him or make up for his loss and that, had he lived, he might have made more of his life. It’s left me with an inferiority complex. I live in a close community and am very happy to see people if they knock on my door. But I never knock on anyone else’s door because I find it difficult to believe that they will want to see me.

A It is so tragic that you grew up in the shadow of your dead brother and felt like just a replacement for him. Despite your mum adoring you, I am sure her sadness must have been palpable. Even young children can absorb such pain and feel, wrongly, that they are somehow to blame. 

Not only that, in your longer letter you say you had to cope with a distant and difficult father and warring parents. Sadly, because you have always felt that you don’t belong, you believe you are a burden. Hence your not ringing, but waiting for your daughter to call you. 

Nor will you knock on others’ doors for fear of being a nuisance. In fact, you fear rejection so much that in order to avoid the hurt you get your own rejection in first. But your daughter is also carrying a legacy of pain – being unwanted by her father. So while you thought that by not calling her you avoided being a bother, she might have been hurt that you never rang. 

You’re also, of course, facing old age and that can cause depression and anxiety. These are complex issues so I strongly recommend counselling to talk it all through (see mind.org.uk for how to find a counsellor). 

You can also ask your counsellor to help you write a letter to your daughter to explain how much you love her and her family and want to be closer. People often respond well to letters – especially when you emphasise how much you love them. 

HOW DO I GET MY HUSBAND TO HAVE SEX WITH ME? 

Q I am in my early 60s and have been married for 33 years. My husband and I have two children who are now adults but, when younger, our son’s problems put a huge strain on our marriage. 

He went through a very troubled period and took a lot of cannabis. Mercifully, we managed to get him through it. Now that our children are independent, my husband and I get on much better again. 

Except for one thing – we don’t seem to have sex any more. It’s as if we have forgotten how to be with each other romantically. We were so in love when we first met and I really miss that. 

I’m sure that my husband must, too, but I really don’t know how to talk about this with him. We seem to be shying away from addressing the subject through politeness.

A Sadly, it is quite common for couples to feel a distance between them when their children leave. This may be especially true in your case because you’ve both been so focused on helping your son with his troubles. 

All your attention was on him and there was little time for you as a couple. Plus, emotional distress is generally not conducive to good sex. However, this can be fixed and the groundwork is already there – you are getting on much better, which in itself is an achievement. 

So please, put politeness aside and talk to him. It is the only way to change things. You could start by reminding him of how happy you both were in the early days, and tell him how much you miss the physical side of your relationship. Once you start talking, I am sure your husband will be only too glad to help rekindle your sex life.

Source: Read Full Article