Speed-watching TV shows? The slower the better for me

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There’s a new version of speed reading; it’s called speed viewing. According to new research in the UK, a quarter of people now stream television at a higher playback speed at least some of the time – usually 1.5 times faster. If they play the program at normal speed, say the respondents, they find themselves bored and unable to concentrate.

My advice is to choose a better TV program, but they’re adamant it makes things more interesting. I’m told the same thing is happening with podcasts. My favourite podcast is The Rest Is History, which makes me wonder what the fall of Rome would sound like if described over a period of 74 seconds by two chipmunks called Tom and Dominic.

Some things just don’t need to go fast.Credit: iStock

It’s each to their own, I guess. If I’m bored by a TV show, I do the ironing at the same time, which achieves the same end. The advantage of my method: I’m left with pressed shirts for the week.

Speed viewing is just the latest manifestation of the trend described by Robert Colville in his 2016 book The Great Acceleration. According to Colville, everything has been getting faster. Chickens grow four times more quickly than 50 years ago. Walking speeds increased 10 per cent in a decade-and-a-half. In cinema, the average length of a shot has declined from 10 seconds in the 1930s to less than four seconds.

He has a point. There’s now a certain agitation to everything we do.

Try getting out of a lift at a shopping centre or airport; suddenly, the old etiquette is gone. Everyone wants to get into the lift, instantly, before permitting anyone to leave the lift. It makes no sense, of course, as there is now no room in the lift for the incoming people, leading to a tangle at the door, but the idea of waiting for 10 seconds before entering is just too much to endure.

And speaking of airports, how about the people who, once the plane lands, want to stand in the aisle for 10 minutes, their heads cricked under the bulkhead, someone else’s carry-on bag banging into their legs, all on the off chance they’ll be able to exit the plane four seconds sooner than might have otherwise been achieved?

What are we meant to do with this time that we’re saving – with our speed walking and speed watching?

Or there’s the button at the pedestrian crossing. One pedestrian, me, is waiting to cross the road. I have already pressed the button. The next person who arrives also presses the button, no doubt assuming I’m the sort of gormless idiot who spends his days standing next to pedestrian crossings, enjoying the view, with no intention of crossing. Then a third person rolls up and presses the button for a third time. In fact, they use a stabbing technique, so it’s really the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth time.

Do they mistrust the two people already standing here? Or are they convinced the lights operate on some sort of voting tally and the more times they are pressed, the quicker they’ll change? My theory: they have been sent insane by the need to wait two minutes before crossing the road and so take it out on the button. “Two minutes!” they must think. “I’m pretty sure the fall of Rome happened faster.”

At fast-food chains we are asked to pre-order, using the QR code, as our fast food has apparently not been fast enough. Amazon delivers the next day, so you don’t have the indignity of waiting two days for your desired item. Microsoft offers to finish my sentences, just to save me a second or two, but only if I’m in the middle of typing a cliche, which seems a reward for indolence.

And, of course, if you’re a Sydney motorist, the gap between the light going green and the person behind leaning angrily on their horn has now dwindled to 0.00004 seconds, one of the shortest periods known to science. It’s not so much the speed of light as the speed of lights.

There are things, of course, that are worthy of speeding up. I’d like a visit to the dentist to go at double speed. I’d like my commute at five times normal. And when hanging on the phone to the bank, hoping for assistance, I’d like to time-travel to the end of the horror.

All the same, what are we meant to do with this time that we’re saving – with our speed walking and speed watching? Will we really invest that time in curing cancer, or being mindful, or saving the planet? Or will it be just another 10 minutes watching a download at speeds so fast it’s incomprehensible?

If the speed-reading craze of the 1970s was any guide, each increase in speed leads to a decline in understanding and enjoyment. A good book needs reading slowly. Even better: read the best bits aloud, rolling the words around in your mouth. It shouldn’t be treated like a slalom course – just get through all the twists and turns as fast as you can.

Personally, I’d like to slow everything down. I might start by rewatching Alvin and the Chipmunks, but on half speed. It might finally make sense.

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