Wait, is cheating on your partner not a big deal now?

Written by Jessica Burrell

From being a criminal offence in Britain pre-1857 to being celebrated in 18th century France, our view of adultery has varied wildly historically. But where are we today? 

It’s hard not to shed a tear when Emma Thompson’s character in Love Actually begins to suspect her husband’s extra-marital affair. It’s a heart-wrenching scene that taps into every adulterous cliché: an older man seduced by a younger woman at work while his long-suffering wife is at home making papier-mâché lobster heads for the kids. And Joni Mitchell is playing in the background.

Had this happened in the UK before the 1857 Matrimonial Causes Act, it would have been considered a crime. In some places across the globe, it still would – punishable by death, even. But even without such extreme measures, infidelity seems to be the subject of widespread, almost universal, disapproval. Traditionally, it’s considered a catastrophic event that represents the greatest betrayal, the word ‘adultery’ itself deriving from the Latin for corruption.

But traditions can change. Now, divorce is not only widely accepted but considered likely (around 50% likely, with a near 10% increase in UK divorces in 2021 compared to 2020) and consensual non-monogamy is on the rise. Is it possible that our understanding of cheating is shifting towards something more relaxed? 

The data certainly suggests that attitudes to relationships are changing. Reports show that one in three Brits say they do not believe in monogamy, and over a quarter of people would consider an open relationship. Meanwhile, our definitions of cheating have evolved to become complex and highly personal; some may consider liking a person’s picture on Instagram a betrayal, while those in open relationships might think sex with other people is fine, but would be devastated by an ‘emotional affair’.

Travel back in time to 1981 and adultery was the key cause given for heterosexual divorces in England and Wales, but in 2021, it was among the least recorded reasons (lower than 10%). It’s unlikely that cheating is happening less, and it’s far more likely that people are taking less of a hard-line stance on it, with interpretations varying more widely than in the past.

Across the Atlantic, where vehement public outcry tends to follow celebrity cheating scandals, one recent high-profile affair – between Good Morning America presenters Amy Robach and TJ Holmes – has received an unusually positive response, with fans tracing on-screen chemistry and rooting for the couple. Amid the UK’s political turmoil, two prime ministers in a row (Boris Johnson and Liz Truss) occupied number 10 despite the fact that they were both rumoured to have had extra-marital affairs. Though of course, we need only look to Matt Hancock to see that infidelity still has the ability to upend political careers. 

It’s much harder to gauge the rates of infidelity among mere mortals, but most experts agree that the structure of modern life has made it easier to engage in it. There are whole websites, such as Ashley Madison, that are devoted to facilitating affairs, and with the rise of the internet, people are communicating more freely than our predecessors could have ever imagined. It’s possible that the visible prevalence of infidelity in popular culture and everyday life is making us, if not more relaxed about it, then somewhat desensitised to it.

“Through the media and the internet, we’re much more exposed to it now,” says Liz Ritchie, an integrative psychotherapist from St Andrew’s Healthcare. “Rather than a nation that accepts cheating more, I think we can say we’re a nation that has created more effective coping mechanisms around the emotional and physical distress it can cause.”

This distress is particularly acute in the case of extra-marital affairs, where entire family units are affected by cheating. In many ways, it was the fact that marriage came to be considered the pinnacle of romantic love that cheating became such a high-stakes emotional offence in the first place. Until the romantic ideals of the 19th century inspired people to marry for love – rather than merely to meet religious expectations, rear children or, in some cases, usefully unite families – marriage was little more than a practicality for most.

Curiously, as we became increasingly secular, our reaction to cheating seemed to become more puritanical. In 1983, when the British Social Attitudes Survey asked participants about extra-marital affairs, 59% of respondents described them as ‘always wrong’. When the question was repeated 30 years later, in 2013, this had grown to 65%. 

This would have been incomprehensible to the court of Louis XV in 18th century France, who were delighted when the married king fell for his married lover. “To marry for love was judged an entirely irresponsible eccentricity as well as a wasted strategic opportunity,” explains a piece from The School of Life, founded by philosopher Alain de Botton. “The idea that a person should spontaneously want to have sex with their spouse once children have been conceived was deemed bizarre and – in essence – perverted.”

That may sound like a quirk of history, but cultural reactions still vary, as Esther Perel explains in her book The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. “Across the globe, the responses I get when I mention infidelity range from bitter condemnation to resigned acceptance to cautious compassion to outright enthusiasm. In Mexico, women proudly see the rise of female affairs as a form of social rebellion against a chauvinistic culture that has forever made room for men to have ‘two homes’.”

Others view it as an unfortunate inevitability, or even a force for eventual good. “In some cases, cheating might actually help to improve a relationship because it makes couples deal with their problems,” says psychologist Mairead Molloy. “Sometimes the relationship that comes out is stronger, more honest and deeper than the one that existed before because people finally step up to open communication.”

Whatever the societal perspective, cheating persists. As Perel notes: “Despite its widespread denunciation, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.” And the underlying issue remains: cheating involves a betrayal of trust, a deception that we fundamentally abhor. But understanding it, and perhaps exploring new definitions of it, does not mean justifying it in its traditional guise.

“We are serial monogamists and adultery is part of our mating repertoire,” argues doctoral relationship researcher Limor Gottlieb. “The problem with it is deceit. That’s why many couples today choose to be in CNM (consensual non-monogamous) relationships. Research shows that CNM couples are much better communicators and their relationships are built on honesty and respect.”

While CNM may not be for everyone, the ideal of clear boundaries should be. And while we may never be able to truly ‘relax’ about infidelity, our willingness to consider different kinds of romantic relationships – or draw inspiration from those who do – may make communication within them clearer.

Ask anyone if they’re relaxed about cheating and they’re likely to say no. But in an era that appears to be swinging back to a less puritanical outlook, the line they take will be based upon their own more nuanced understanding. Expressing that understanding clearly to a partner (or partners) is the key. 

Images: Getty

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