I’m still haunted by final conversation with tragic mum – now I’ve had a baby it breaks my heart, says Lottie Tomlinson | The Sun
WHEN Lottie Tomlinson lost her mum Johannah Deakin to cancer, she thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse for her family.
But just three years later her younger sister Félicité, known as Fizzy, died from an overdose aged 18, leaving Lottie and her siblings devastated once again.
The trauma left the influencer, 24, worried that she wouldn’t be able to cope and be there for her siblings, including One Direction singer Louis.
“I was so scared of anything else happening to the family. We've just been through these two tragedies, it makes you think it's going to happen again, what else is gonna happen,” she said.
“So I wanted to make sure that they don't have to deal with anything like that with me.”
Lottie opens up about her decision to have grief counselling and how the family have dealt with losing their mum to leukemia in 2016 onSue Ryder's Grief Kind podcast.
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Johannah, 43, left behind six children, then aged between two and 25.
Lottie claims she, then 18, and her siblings weren’t offered any mental health support afterwards – something she believes could have made a big impact.
She said: “When my mum died, there was never any conversations about getting any help. And looking back, that was quite shocking to me… especially the fact that she had cancer.
“It was a medical illness. We were surrounded by a lot of medical professionals, and there was young children involved, and there didn't seem to be any sit down conversations where it was like, 'Do we want to sort out getting some help'. So I never had anything when I lost my mum.”
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Tragic sister
8
8Lottie explains how her sister Fizzy fell into depression and started abusing drugs – which dragged her into a downward spiral.
Despite the family’s attempts, including sending her to rehab, Fizzy anciently overdosed on a lethal cocktail of Alapraxolam, Oxicodone and cocaine in 2019.
The horrendous tragedy was the trigger Lottie needed to get herself into therapy and address her grief.
“It was only when I lost my sister that I thought, you know, she ended up losing her life, she might have been okay if she would have got the help she needed,” Lottie said.
It was only when I lost my sister that I thought, you know, she ended up losing her life, she might have been okay if she would have got the help she needed
“So that became very apparent to me in my head. And I was like right, I need to make sure, although I feel like I can cope with it on my own, why don't I just get some help, so that it will give me a head start.”
For years Lottie had been beating herself up for how she was handling her grief. She felt guilty if she felt cheerful, or if she struggled to get out of bed because she felt overwhelmed.
“I think as the years have passed, and I've got, you know, I've kind of dealt with the grief better, I've realised that allowing yourself that day to feel happy, you need to celebrate those times,” she said.
Final conversation
Lottie’s heartache resurfaced in August last year when she and partner Lewis Burton became parents to Lucky, as her mum wasn’t there to share in the joy.
She revealed that children was one of the final things she spoke about with Johannah.
“She knew how much I wanted to be a mum. It was always something that we spoke about," she said. “And it was actually something that she said… we didn't have many conversations when she was ill.
“But towards the end… there was a few conversations had and one of them was actually her voicing that she was sad that she would never get to see me have a baby.
“I think that's a conversation that's always stuck with me. I know how much she wanted to be here for this.
That's a conversation that's always stuck with me. I know how much she wanted to be here for this
“And you feel like you've been robbed of that, because you just want your mum to see your children, don't you, and you know how much they would have loved it.
“I think you then have to come to terms with it again.”
Despite the heartache of not having her mum by her side as she gets to grips with parenthood, it has made her feel closer to her mum – who gave birth to her eldest, Louis, at 18 – than ever.
She said: “When I look at Lucky I feel like I'm in her shoes a little bit because I know she must have had those feelings towards Louis when he was born. It's quite a nice feeling.
“And it's funny because Lucky actually looks a lot like Louis did when he was a baby. If you look at the pictures compared, it's quite scary how alike they are."
Kind fans
Due to Louis' stardom, the family had to deal with a very private trauma in the public eye as fans rushed to rally around.
While Lottie claims the family initially found the attention from fans unsettling, she has since come to realise it helped her and her siblings though a difficult time.
“I always say I only see it as a positive now because we had so much support,” she said.
"Those few [unkind] comments that might have affected us for a moment, they don't compare to the support that we've received… they're so invested in [Louis] and us and they kind of feel that loss with us.
Those few [unkind] comments that might have affected us for a moment, they don't compare to the support that we've received
“You can tell how much people care, and I think we've always found a lot of comfort from that.”
While the family's grief hasn't necessarily got easier in the years since Johannah and Fizzy's deaths, they are learning to cope.
One thing Lottie finds helpful is talking about her loved ones with other people.
“I still want to be able to talk about my mum – just because she's not here doesn't mean I don't have a mum at all,” she said.
The family make an effort every year to get together on the day Johanna died to celebrate her life.
They head up north to their grandparents', Len and Jen Poulston, who put on a spread and the family share their memories.
While the day is tinged with sadness, Lottie said celebrating is a better reflection of who their mum was.
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She added: “We try and see it as an opportunity to celebrate them as people rather than looking at it as the day that she died.”
Listen to Lottie’s full interview on Sue Ryder's Grief Kind podcast, available on all podcast streaming services on Wednesday 28th June. For more information or support, please visit www.sueryder.org
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