South Park 25th Anniversary: The most depraved things Eric Cartman has ever done
It’s hard to believe we’ve had 25 years of Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Stan and the entire bizarre town of South Park.
The absolutely bonkers show, first created in 1997 by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, is celebrating its 25th anniversary on 13 August, and while there have been plenty of mad moments, there’s usually one character at the centre of the most shocking.
If you’re a South Park fan, it’s probably fairly obvious what Cartman’s number one most depraved, inhumane act was (hint: it rhymes with animalism.)
But the eight-year-old monster has done plenty of other things that, were this real life, would see him kept behind bars in a getup similar to Hannibal Lecter (again, pretty apt reference.)
To celebrate 25 years of South Park, here are Eric Cartman’s 10 most depraved moments, ranked.
Broke Ben Affleck’s heart by pretending to be Jennifer Lopez
One of the most bizarre episodes of South Park ever (and that’s saying something) and also one of the funniest (and that’s saying something).
There’s genuinely no limit to the insane things Cartman will do just to annoy Kyle, and convincing the town – and the world, and Ben Affleck – that ‘Ms Lopez’ is attached to his hand and has a mind of its own is a stand-out.
Pretended to have Tourettes
It’s awful. It’s truly awful. It’s also hilarious. It’s classic South Park.
As bad as Cartman is, generally his worst behaviour eventually leads him to getting his comeuppance – and this time he does in the worst way: by actually developing tourettes while making a speech to a big crowd.
Convinced Butters there’s a nuclear fallout so he can go to Casa Bonita
Cartman may be a genocidal, evil maniac, but he’s also eight years old.
And these things combine in the best way when Cartman essentially kidnaps Butters and forces him to stay in an underground bunker for days, having convinced him that outside is nothing but a nuclear wasteland full of zombies and cannibals.
All so he can go to a theme park for Kyle’s birthday (‘F*** Kyle!’)
Used aborted fetuses to make a pizza restaurant instead of saving Kenny’s life
Cartman gets into the stem cell industry, which is just about as gross as it sounds.
The eight-year-old finds 33 aborted fetuses (God, what even is this show) and ponders how best to use them – could he save Kenny’s life, who has been diagnosed with muscular dystrophy?
Nah, he’s going to use them to replicate a pizza restaurant, obviously.
Gave Kyle HIV
How best to get back at your childhood friend who isn’t suitably depressed that you’ve contracted HIV, and in fact seems to think you deserve it?
You give him HIV, obviously.
It really, really says something that this isn’t at the top of the list.
Removed Kenny’s feeding tube to get a PSP
Cartman really doesn’t care that his friend is brain-dead and on the verge of death – until he learns what Kenny plans to leave him in his will.
Cue Cartman rallying up support across the country to have Kenny’s ventilation turned off, pretending it’s for no reason other than that his friend is suffering.
Nah, it’s to get his hands on a PSP.
Pretended to be mentally disabled to win the Special Olympics
You’d nearly watch this one through your fingers, it is so toe-curlingly shocking.
Cartman decides to win the Special Olympics by pretending to be mentally disabled (Oh God, the registration scene, oh God) but because he’s completely out of shape and decidedly not an Olympic athlete, he comes dead last.
Which he actually is happy with, since he gets a medal.
Tried to launch a non-ginger-genocide
If in doubt: genocide.
Cartman is constantly making fun of red-heads, and when he’s tricked into thinking he’s contracted ‘gingervitus,’ he doesn’t exactly learn it’s what the inside that counts.
Nah, instead he rounds up all the non-gingers and plans a mass execution.
Literally became Hitler
There’s really not much you can say about this – it’s exactly what it says on the tin.
You can tell creators Trey and Matt studied actual video of Hitler speeches for this appallingly evil Cartman moment.
It also says a lot that Cartman’s hero is Mel Gibson.
1: Tricked a kid into eating his parents in a chili
Of course this was going to be number one. What else could it be? What else could possibly be worse than tricking a child into murdering their parents, then tricking that child into eating their parents in a chilli, then revealing everything in front of a crowd and drinking that child’s tears as he realises what he’s done?
And the cherry on top, making that child’s favourite band think he’s a p***y for crying. Because, you know, why not.
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