“I’m a relationship expert – these are the 4 things I want everyone to know about finding love”
Written by Lauren Geall
As Stylist’s digital writer, Lauren Geall writes on topics including mental health, wellbeing and women’s issues. She’s also a big fan of houseplants and likes to dabble in film and TV from time-to-time. You can find her on Twitter at @laurenjanegeall.
Married At First Sight’s Mel Schilling sat down with Stylist Extra to give us her take on how we can all invite more love into our lives in 2023.
Forming relationships with those around us is one of the most natural things we do as people, but it can also prove one of the most complex. This is especially true in the age of dating apps, where forging connections can feel like an emotional obstacle course rife with rejection and red flags.
We’ve all been there: one moment, you’re optimistic, swiping through your feed with reckless abandon, and the next, you feel as if there’s zero chance of ever finding someone you connect with.
If one thing’s for sure, most of us could do with a little bit of guidance when it comes to searching for – and hopefully finding – love. And that’s where leading love and relationship expert Mel Schilling (of Married At First Sight fame) comes in. Having first trained as a psychologist, Schilling eventually went on to become a love counsellor – helping those who want more love in their lives to achieve their goals.
“All of the work I do, whether it’s with individuals or couples on Married At First Sight, is about helping people to retrain their thinking or mindset, mostly focused on their self-talk,” Schilling explains. “The guts of it – of changing behaviour and transforming people’s lives – is starting with the stories we tell ourselves, and in my case, the stories we tell ourselves about love, relationships and partners.”
While there’s no specific formula for finding love, interrogating the core beliefs we hold when it comes to dating and relationships can help us shake off the things that are holding us back in our search. But what else can we do to invite more love – whether romantic or platonic – into our lives in 2023?
1. Connect with yourself
Dating may be fun, but it can also be stressful. Setting aside a little bit of time to connect with yourself and learn more about who you are inside will not only put you in a better position to know what you want, but it’ll also help to boost your confidence and resilience as you start your journey.
“The number one step would be to connect with yourself – and I mean that in a very specific way because there’s a lot of science behind this,” Schilling says. “One very simple way to do this is through journaling. For some people that might be having a little book where you write about your thoughts and feelings at the end of the day or it might be using an app.
“Writing about yourself is a good thing on its own, but journaling can also help you to identify patterns and become more self-aware – something that’s important when you want to find love.”
Journaling and identifying these patterns will also help you to uncover any unhelpful beliefs about love and relationships that you’ve been holding on to – for example, that you’re not loveable or that all relationships are doomed to fail. “At the end of every week, you can go back over your journal entries and look for those themes and core beliefs that are coming out,” Schilling adds.
2. Create a positive love mindset
Get your search for love off on the right foot by letting go of any negativity you might be holding on to and creating what Schilling calls a “positive love mindset”.
“We’re all adults; we’ve all got a history – but starting with a clean slate can be really refreshing,” Schilling says. “That can be letting go of a specific relationship – some of my clients like writing a letter to a past lover and then burning it or throwing it in a bin – or letting go of limiting thoughts.”
No matter how you get there, you want to end up with a better insight into your past relationships and the patterns and situations you’ve been in before.
“You’ve got to get to that point of real insight where you can take accountability for the patterns you’ve had in the past and allow them to drift away, because they’re not going to serve you,” Schilling explains. “That’s why these first two points are about working on yourself – so you can go on to change the patterns and behaviours that have held you back in the past.”
3. Define your personal love ‘brand’
Thinking about yourself and your search for love as a kind of brand might feel strange at first, but it’s a useful way to conceptualise who you are and what you’re looking for.
“In our careers and on social media, we might think about our personal brand, but we never think about what our brand looks like in terms of dating and relationships,” Schilling says. “This can be on a couple of levels. So, on that superficial level you might think about the way you present yourself on dating apps and what that says about you as a person, but on a deeper level, it’s more about what you’re looking for and what kind of person you’re wanting to attract.”
It’s at this point where you’ll need to start thinking about your dating goals, Schilling says. Are you looking for a long-term relationship or something more low-key? What values are important to you? Asking yourself these questions can help you to craft your brand.
4. Get clear about what you want to achieve
Knowing what you want is one thing, but doing the work to achieve that goal is something else entirely. To make sure you’re able to fulfil both sides of the equation, Schilling recommends thinking about whether your behaviours are helping you to progress towards your end goal.
“For example, if you want a long-term relationship, it might be time to set aside any short-term things you’ve got going on – even delete dating apps for a while to figure out what you want,” Schilling says.
“On the other hand, if you’re feeling burnt out and tired – and struggling to keep up with dating as a result – take a break. Just tell yourself you’re going to take a month and get back in touch with yourself and your playfulness – the stuff that really brings you joy. Then, you can re-enter the world of dating with a refreshed vigour after a bit of a timeout.”
Images: Getty
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