What *Exactly* is a Parasocial Relationship?

These days, there’s no limit to what celebs and influencers can share on social media. They fill their fans and followers in on all the happenings of their daily lives, from business meetings, to lavish trips, to updates on their families and friends. And while this type of access to all your fave public figures is so cool and historically unprecedented, it’s a double-edged sword in many ways, including the potential development of parasocial relationships.

What’s a parasocial relationship, you ask? Good q. In short, a parasocial relationship is a one-sided social media relationship. Think: You feel so up-to-date and connected to someone on Instagram or TikTok that they actually start to feel like a real friend. And while that connection can feel really special, more often than not, it’s one-sided and can’t actually provide you with the same sense of fulfillment that a real relationship can.

To better understand parasocial relationships, we chatted with Holly Roberts, a couples counselor at Relate. Here’s what she had to say.

What exactly are parasocial relationships?

The term “parasocial relationships” can be traced all the way back to 1956, when Donald Horton and R. Richard Wohl published a paper in the journal Interpersonal and Biological Processes and coined the term “parasocial interaction” to refer to interactions with media (like TV, film, and later, social media) that mimic real-life friendships or connections.

Nowadays, the phrase “parasocial relationship” is used to refer to a type of relationship that is one-sided, often directed toward strangers who may be celebrities or influencers. But, “the usual reciprocal emotional exchange isn’t there,” Roberts says. “There is no relationship because one person is creating something out of nothing.”

For example, maybe someone’s a huge Kylie Jenner fan. Reasonable! But they constantly respond to Kylie’s IG Stories, DM her details about their life, or maybe even invite her out just like they would a real friend. The truth? Kylie’s probably not going to respond. She might not even see the message! So she probs isn’t feeling the same (or any) level of emotional investment in the “relationship,” and thus, isn’t reciprocating that same level of dedication and commitment to her fan.

How do parasocial relationships form?

Parasocial relationships thrive in situations involving members of the public eye. Think: how invested we are in the lives of the Kardashians or our fave K-pop bands, when (no offense!) they actually have zero idea we exist. When we follow individuals and celebrities on social media, we may feel close to them as we learn more about their world, which might encourage us to try to speak to or about them as if we know them IRL.

“An influencer may share intimate details of their life with an audience of thousands. They will talk to their followers as if they were close friends, but their followers aren’t friends, they are strangers to the influencer,” explains Roberts. “This can be a confusing message for some people to understand. If we know so much about someone and they want to share personal things about them, we begin to see them as one of us. They are just like our friends who we know this level of information about.”

However, it’s important to remember that our feelings of intimacy won’t be reciprocated if we do feel compelled to reach out or interact with the people we follow online. They don’t owe us anything, and there isn’t an established relationship. “For some, the boundaries become blurred and the differentiation between reality and fantasy are confused,” says Roberts.

So what’s the scientific link between social media and parasocial relationships?

A study published in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking in 2016 concluded that exposure to celebrities on Twitter resulted in more intense parasocial relationships among teens. Why? According to Roberts, it’s down to the type of information typically shared on these platforms by celebrities or noted figures, which can include opinions and political beliefs, as well as more personal details, creating an atmosphere of intimacy with their followers.

Basically: It’s too easy to overshare on too many different platforms, thus making it easy for people to feel unrealistically connected to people they don’t actually know.

“Social media provides a platform where information is easily shared. More importantly, personal information is freely offered to an audience that wants to be engaged with,” she clarifies. “Beliefs and musings are shared with photos of daily life and exciting events. The things we may have only shared with our close friends are broadcast to an audience of millions.”

Are parasocial relationships bad?

You might be reading this and seeing some of yourself–whether in a big or small way—reflected in the scenarios Roberts describes. But should you be concerned about any parasocial relationships you have in your life?

If you’re someone engaging in a parasocial relationship (rather than the person on the receiving end), know that it’s not necessarily a bad thing–but also remember that this is not a real relationship and that respecting the other person’s boundaries is key. For example, if they don’t reply to you when you message them, don’t continue to make attempts or try to contact them on a different platform or via a different method.

“It can be heart-warming to feel like you have a friend in a celebrity—their experiences may reflect an experience you’ve been through, or they share your views and values and they can be someone you aspire to be like,” says Roberts. “If y0u respect the distance that is present in this relationship then it you can enjoy the entertainment you get from following someone from afar.”

However, there are bound to be problems if you don’t recognize the limits of the relationship or place too much emotional stake on it. “Disappointment and feeling let down are bound to happen because the other person we think is our friend doesn’t respond in the way we expect them to,” Roberts adds. “Rejection will be common, we’re imposing a relationship onto someone that hasn’t asked for it or agreed to be part of it.”

Can parasocial relationships damage your other relationships?

According to Roberts, sometimes a parasocial relationship can lead to unrealistic expectations in IRL relationships. “Our real friends are human and imperfect, but those we have a parasocial relationship with can become a perfect version of who we want them to be—they can do no wrong,” she says. “We may start to have unrealistic expectations of what our friends should do for us that only our hero can do.”

Then there’s the fact that devoting too much attention toward the object of our parasocial relationship can starve our other connections of the same emotional investment. “If the interest becomes a little obsessive or fanatical, then our reciprocated relationships may get pushed to one side or ignored altogether,” Roberts adds. “Too much focus may be concentrated on that person we think we know, which means our emotional energy is diverted away from those who actually need it.”

Remember that any parasocial relationships you have should all be in good fun. If your feelings for a famous stranger seem to be damaging your friendships or romantic connections, it’s probably time to recognize that things are getting out of hand and step away.

How do you stop a parasocial relationship?

If you happen to be on the receiving end of a parasocial relationship, the attention of a stranger might be making you feel uncomfortable or confused. And it’s understandable to not want to come across as the “bad guy” if you tell them you’re not interested in having a conversation with them.

However, just like a breakup or rejecting someone romantically, it’s important to be upfront and clear to help someone in a parasocial relationship with you understand that their behavior won’t be reciprocated. Roberts suggests doing the following:

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