Bring on The Middle-Aged Bachelor in Paradise

Apollo whispers \’sorry\’ to Elora during Bachelor in Paradise rose ceremony.

As I watched Bachelor in Paradise resentfully in exile, having been banished to my bedroom by my appalled children (something about "sexist crap" and "you’re embarrassing yourself, Mum"), I became annoyed.

Firstly, when did my kids become such paragons of television virtue? They weren’t so intellectually rigorous when they were watching The Avengers the other day.

And secondly, why were there no single people my age in Paradise? Middle aged people are all over dating sites. When we will get our moment in the (Fijian) sun? We need a Middle-Aged Bachelor in Paradise. It may, however, come with some challenges…


Middle-Aged Bachelor in Paradise opens with Rob, the thrice-divorced real estate agent, inviting Karen, 44, for a swim.
“I’m not ready for Rob to see my C-section scar,” Karen confesses to camera. “His ex-wife was 26!”

“Karen looks great,” Sarah, 45, says in a voice over. “But my varicose veins are really bad in this heat. I’m going to keep on my Capri pants.”

“Guess I’ll swim alone,” says Rob cheerfully. He strips off his shirt to reveal a beer belly, man-boobs, and hairy back, and begins stretching by the pool.

“He has really nice feet,” Karen murmurs.
John, 44, is deep in conversation at the bar with Dina, 42.

“So how long have you been separated?” Dina asks him.

“Ages,” he says. “Forever. Nearly two weeks.”
“Hmmm,” Dina says. “Do you think you’re ready for a new relationship?”

“Oh totally,” John says. “My ex is a psycho. Absolute bitch. You wouldn’t believe the shit she did…”

As John rants, Osher appears with a date card, which he hands to Alan, 58. Alan chooses Janine, 52, as his date, and she agrees. But in a shock Middle-Aged Bachelor in Paradise twist, Janine takes to her bed with a hormonal headache, forcing Alan to take Lisa, 49, as his second choice.

“No worries!” Alan says. “Lisa is also a woman and she’s single, so I’m excited!”

“I was hoping for a date with Rob,” Lisa tells the camera. “He’s more my intellectual equal.

But I’ll give Alan a go.”“Oh no, I couldn’t possibly date Lisa,” Rob says, looking mildly horrified. “She’s way too old for me. The oldest woman I’ve ever dated was 41.”
“How old are you, Rob?” asks a producer.
We flick back to Dina and John, still at the bar.
“My wife was abusive,” John is saying. “Hardly ever had sex. Like, maybe twice a week? And she hated my friends…”

We cross to Alan and Lisa on their date at the beach. Alan’s back is sore from sitting on the sand, so they request chairs.

“I make pastries,” Alan says, once they are settled. “I own my own business. Making pastries.”

“I’m a university lecturer,” Lisa says politely.

“My kids are really excited to meet you,” Alan continues. “I will treat you as my princess.”
“I don’t really relate to the princess paradigm,” Lisa says. “I have a PhD in feminist theory.”
“Great,” says Alan. “What’s your favourite pastry? My kids will love you.”
We cross back to the resort, where Sarah is on the love seat, deep in conversation with Matthew, 47.
“So why did you become an accountant?” she asks, leaning in and fluttering her eyelashes.
“I like to be depreciated,” Matthew says cheekily, and grins.

Sarah laughs uproariously, and then freezes.

“Excuse me for a moment,” she says, and rushes into the bushes.

We move back to John, who is still raving, and Emma, who is chugging Pina coladas.

“She turned the kids against me,” John is saying. “She’s such a cow. And she blocked me on Instagram…”
Sarah emerges in a fresh pair of Capri pants.
“I did a little wee when I laughed,” she tells the camera. “It happens a lot these days. Lucky Matthew has a sense of humour!”

But Matthew is now on bar stool, chatting to Karen. “I like to be depreciated,” he says cheekily.
Alan and Lisa return from their date. They both look flushed.

“Yeah, we had a great time,” Alan tells us. “My kids will love her.”

“No, Alan is not my type,” Lisa snaps at a producer. “And can someone get me some iced water? I’m having a hot flush.”

Osher returns, with the shock announcement that tonight’s rose ceremony has been cancelled.
“Unfortunately, Rob has just exited Paradise,” he tells the group sadly. “His wife called, and it turns out that he wasn’t quite separated after all.”
Karen looks crestfallen. “He had really nice feet.”

“The good news,” Osher continues, “is that three more people are entering Paradise!” He gestures to the gate, which opens to reveal the new arrivals.
“But they’re all women!” Lisa cries.
“Yeah, sorry,” says Osher. “We tried to find single blokes but it’s slim pickings out there.”
John looks the new arrivals up and down. “That chick looks just like my ex-wife,” he says. “She was a psycho. I’m out of here.”

Matthew approaches the women and holds out his hand. “Hello ladies,” he says cheekily. “I’m an accountant. I like to be depreciated.”
Alan settles on the love seat next to the blondest of the women. “Will you be my princess? My kids will love you.”
Back by the pool, Karen and Sarah down shots.
“This is bullshit,” Karen says.
“Total bullshit,” Sarah agrees.
“Want a swim?”
“Hell yeah.”
They strip off their clothes and jump in the pool.

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