I think my wife is a secret lesbian and is using me as a 'beard'

DEAR DEIDRE: I BELIEVE my wife is a secret lesbian, using me as a “beard” so nobody suspects her sexuality.

I think she is having an affair with a woman she met in her choir, but she denies it.

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We have been married for eight years. I’m 46 and she’s 42.

I feel like I am being played for a fool and it hurts me deeply.

Our relationship has never been passionate or even very affectionate — although she seemed very keen to get married.

Now I think it’s just because she wanted children. We have one son, who is seven.

My wife has always insisted on having sex in the dark and only likes positions where she can’t see or kiss me.

She’s never initiated sex.

I was her first serious boyfriend and I can’t remember her ever saying she found a man attractive.

Yet she often comments on how fit women are.

She has never enjoyed socialising with me, preferring to go out with her girlfriends and do her own thing — like her book club or, more recently, the choir.

That’s where she met her new “best friend”, who dresses in a very masculine way, is single and, in my view, obviously a lesbian.

They spend all day chatting online and go out together at least twice a week. They’re even planning a holiday together.

I am so convinced about my suspicions that I’ve confronted my wife.

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I told her I would understand if she was gay, and we could try to make it work for our son’s sake.

But she outright denied it and refuses to discuss it.

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DEIDRE SAYS: What’s important, regardless of her sexuality, is that she is not treating you with either love or respect.

She sounds controlling and selfish. She won’t communicate, has an entire social life without you and won’t kiss you during sex.

It doesn’t sound like either of you is happy, or getting much out of this marriage.

Ask yourself why you’re still with her. If it’s just for your son, then understand you can be a good father regardless of whether you’re with his mum.

In fact, if he is picking up on the tensions at home, that can be worse for his confidence.

My support pack, When Parents Fall Out, explains more.

If you do want to make this work, try talking to her again and explain your current situation isn’t working for you and is making you miserable. Insist she’s honest.


Kelly kisses Amber during their girl’s night

I forced myself to sleep with my husband to stop him from leaving me

My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to do this productively.

Think about relationship counselling. You can find support, alone if she won’t go, via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).

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